Category Archives: Message

by

His life preserver

Friday, December 7, 2012
7:05am Phil   
Good morning girl. Happy Friday. I hope its a good one for you. Have a fabulous day!
8:32am Phil
I told The Beach Gal goodnight last night. Nothing. I can’t keep this up. No food, no sleep. Have decided if I get the chance again to jump. If not, will just have to get through. Going to make more of an effort to tell the people I love that I love them. Going to talk to my Mom more. Have to get out of this funk. This is why people jump out windows. This shit is awful, pain, regret, sorrow and it all just swirls around and drags you deeper and deeper into depression. Fuck!
8:43 am TEXT: Phil: Not my best look.  🙁
 [Photo of him in a sweatshirt not smiling.  Never see that.]
          
8:50 am TEXT Phil: Put on my cape and clown mask and presto!  The Officer.
[Photo of him in uniform smiling]  
8:54am Phil
Listening to Andy Williams, lonely street, followed by Ed Ames, my cup runneth over with love. Not helping.
9:35am
Good morning! Mired in payroll…sending you good thoughts and a pummeling back rub. Can you get a pro massage? They can be good at releasing tension.
10:52am Phil
Work was horrible. Had to reel myself back in. My problems are not theirs. My back is fine. My head is so horribly twisted. I get it in my head. The Beach Gal is lonely, feeling unappreciated. Friend introduces girl to guy. Guy is fun, makes her laugh, is attentive and there. It’s unreasonable to expect girl to walk away from the guy she is having fun with. Makes sense till the fun guy finds fun elsewhere. Maybe that won’t be the case. Maybe he will be the best thing that ever happened to her. Maybe, he appreciates her. Who knows. My brain functions in over drive. What happens if guy turns out to be a shitbag and broken-hearted girl needs a shoulder to cry on. I know the answer to that too. I hold her close and let her cry and try to comfort. Not sure we can ever be again and I think that’s why it hurts so bad. I thought I much stronger than this. Turns out, I’m a big pussy.
11:26am
Are you about done with those work meetings? Not gonna miss them, I bet. 
Massage isn’t about your back… it’s being touched, relaxing and working on the muscles, releasing endorphins, similar to exercise. Worth a try? You must have expert massage therapists close by. Pamper yourself. 
Try not to linger in “what if” land. That way, there be dragons! Deal with today, plan based on what you know, what you’d like, so you’re ready. Gosh… you have feelings. Sometimes they make you feel so good! And other times… ugh. It’s a roller coaster. But you are alive, healthy, with choices, moving toward better days! Make her feel like a priority, give her a real choice.
You’ve balanced an incredible load of the military, the family… without much help. But things are changing. You can be different. Show her. Stay in touch. Spend some money on her. Make a plan to see her. This is the rest of your life…. worth the effort? 
Hugs, kid. Pussies are good things… I adore cats! 😉
12:42pm Phil
She won’t see me or communicate with me. Tears her apart. She needs me to be out of mind. If I push too hard she will unfriend me. Has done it before and I don’t want that. Then I have nothing.
1:31pm
I’m sorry. but I think if the talk is on a new level, it could be different. But I don’t know her. I just know you, and how I would react. Use your wall, then. Put up things for her?
1:47pm Phil
I do that as does she. Problem has always been that my wife fights dirty. She forces photos of the two of us and then makes sure she posts them and tags me. I used to not let anyone tag me but that got to be such a constant fight. She has always suspected The Beach Gal was still very much in the picture and it was her way of saying Fuck You. It ate The Beach Gal up every time. This love shit is tough. Much easier to live with someone you tolerate.
1:48pm Phil
The photo today is for her. She will know and she will giggle. I love that little giggle.
2:04pm
Very good! You’ve got it! Ah… your wife’s tricks. I noticed that. They used to be knives in my heart and then I…transcended. Now they look pathetic. And I like them – they give me a chance to see your smiling face! I think…wow… she doesn’t know how she’s helping me! …I also notice how you aren’t touching her or looking at her. hee hee hee. I’m so bad.
3:00pm Phil 
How is it you saw that and The Beach Gal could not pick up on that? I never touch her, never look at her on purpose. My way of sending a message. 
She just said hi! Wonder what this is about?  Probably getting ready to unfriend me or something. The way the day is going. Be a perfect end to a suck ass day
3:03pm
You heard from her! Yay! No jumping to bad conclusions! *fwap!*
           
3:03pm Phil
She saw the photo
3:04pm
Yay!
    
3:08pm Phil
Made my day! First time I have really smiled.
3:10pm
It is amazing how a few little words from the one you love can turn the day around.
   
3:10pm Phil
Oh my God, crying tears of pure joy. What has happened to me?
3:22pm Phil
Lord, think I got it bad
3:58pm Phil
Where did you go you amazing sweet thing 
3:59pm
Are you typing in the right window? 😉
4:00pm Phil
I was talking to you. 🙂
You have been my life preserver. Literally talked me off the ledge
4:06pm
Glad to help.  Can’t have you going off the deep end!
4:09pm Phil
LOL! Pretty intuitive you are
I’m never surprised at what you pick up on.
Sent a little bracelet as you suggested. Arty thing.
[he attached a URL with a photo of it]
4:17pm
Oh! That was very special looking. Excellent.
4:36pm Phil 
It’s her favorite painting.
Not sure where we are going but hope is a powerful drug.
4:37pm
Perfect! 
Yes indeed.
4:38pm Phil
How’s your foot babe? Getting any better? I worry about you.
4:40pm
It seems a little better today. New PT person is rough, hurts like hell, but it gets better after.
4:43pm Phil
That’s a good thing. PT is a bitch but it works. I’m going to go have a beer and relax. Christmas party tonight. I think I’m going to have a good time. Andy Williams singing Lonely Street again and I’m smiling enjoying his sweet voice
4:54pm
Sounds like a great plan! I’m outta here. Only two weeks until vacation! Hope I can keep from strangling my boss… So glad you are feeling better. Rock it, kid!
4:55pm Phil 
Love you Sass. Enjoy the evening! 
[photo of him in a suit and tie]
9:24pm Phil
Thank you
         
11:42pm Phil
Hope your evening was good 
11:42pm
Quiet. Did you party hearty?
Had an amazing eggplant parm…
11:45pm Phil
Was a fun evening. I don’t party that much. Has to be the right people and none of them were there. Love eggplant parm! Yum. Think I will sleep peacefully tonight
11:45pm
Oh good! Sleep is the best thing.
Except for… never mind.
11:46pm Phil
LOL! I agree!
Such a crappy day turned out to be special. Life is a funny thing
11:47pm
Why special?  
11:48pm Phil
Chatted all night. 
11:48pm
Ah… nice.
           
11:49pm Phil
Still no idea what that means but I got a “night babe” with a big heart
I’ll take it
11:50pm
wow!
         
11:50pm Phil
That’s a good thing, right?
11:52pm
Sounds very sweet.
Long way from f-u earlier in the week!
11:52pm Phil
A little angel told me to keep communicating, little things.
11:54pm
Does she notice that you’re different?
11:55pm Phil
I think so
She needs attention and I have been giving it to her.  Simple things. Slow and easy.
Not over whelming her.
11:58pm
Very good.
12:30am
Sleep well, sweet man.
12:43am
Off to help a co-worker. They’re car was stolen!
by

Patience

Thursday, December 6, 2012
7:09am Phil  
Sushi looks yummy! Slept well last night, hugging my pillow. What an emotional roller coaster of a day. Who knows where it will lead? Maybe no place but everything is on the table and we talked about much and it was good I think for both of us. A multi year, long distance relationship that has been on again and off but not really. There were breaks where we did not communicate for many months and then it would suddenly all start up again like a forest fire. We at least had the opportunity to say what needed to be said and no matter how it turns out, we’ll both be ok. I have had several weeks to think and look at this from every angle. Hurt and pain will open your eyes. 
I have a work breakfast this morning. Gonna have oatmeal, weight still falling off. Almost twenty pounds since the 26th. I’m ok today, no matter. I hope your day is a good one Sass.
7:26am
Good morning! So glad you slept! Dashing around prepping for cleaners. Whee!
7:28am Phil 
Will see what today brings. I’ll be ok, whatever it is. So much raw emotion, good god. I was shaking. 
Have a fun day. I am going to attempt to have a productive day without a heavy heart and my head so messed up I can’t function.
11:49am Phil 
No coms today. So much emotion yesterday. Torn one way then the next. It’s up to The Beach Gal.
I said my piece and she will decide how to move forward. She has to choose, then I need to act and we see what we do. Not sure she has the confidence to choose me, lay her heart out again. That will be it, no turning back. Then you try to heal and life goes on. Ill have a giant regret but I will get through and continue on.
11:59am
Don’t borrow trouble. Wait and see! Are you still looking at out next year?
1:14pm Phil  
Yes dear, I hear you. What I am doing. Yes I am. I am just ready. I knew I would be and I knew I would know when it was time and it’s time.
2:56pm
I hope she falls into your arms soon. I want you to be happy! Wow… never thought you’d be ready to leave the military! Hope that will make it easier. Do you know what you’ll be doing after this assignment? 
I spent the morning writing an official response to the warning my boss gave me and trying not the throw up. My union rep will help edit it. Fun fun.. NOT. Ah, well. Must work! 
Hope sleep helped and you are having a productive day!
3:42pm Phil
I’d like that but I’m not sure that will happen. She may decide she does not want me. I’m not that lucky. Have no clue what to do post-military. Just starting the transition process. I am having an active and productive day. Good luck with your response.
10:12pm Phil
How did your day turn out? Busy one for me. Trying to get interested in the game and failing miserably
10:33pm
Hiya! Had a quick dinner at a local bar – you would’ve enjoyed! Deviled eggs, Mexican corn on the cob, handmade chips and a peppy onion dip, and gumbo right on the edge of too spicy with shrimp, sausage, chicken and okra! Yum! 
Quiet evening… Hubby off at his project. Bopping around the net looking at naughty stuff.
10:33pm Phil  
Exhausted. Completely drained. I’m just emotionally done.
10:34pm
Sorry kid… wish my arms could reach 1K miles… I’d wrap them around you and rock you to sleep singing a soft tune.

10:35pm Phil  

Ahhhh. Dinner sounds good. I had a little roll with a piece of ham. Just don’t feel like food.

I could use that. Just need to be held. Not gonna happen.

10:38pm
So no words from her today?
10:39pm Phil
No nothing. I need to come to grips with the loss cause I think she is gone. Emotions overwhelmed us yesterday but that was yesterday.
10:41pm
Did you write?
10:42pm Phil
This morning. Nothing back.
10:45pm
Good.
10:46pm Phil  
Gets too much, feelings so raw. So exposed. I was shaking like a leaf. All I could do to hit the keys.

What’s good?!

10:46pm
That you wrote… keep the channel open.
10:46pm Phil  
Yeah but she did not.

I won’t again. Not going to stalk her.

10:47pm
You don’t know why not. You’ve left me hanging for days sometimes…
Write a little bit every day if you are thinking of her.
10:48pm Phil
True.
I know
I think of her all day. I don’t think she wants to hear it

10:49pm

Has she ever said stop?
10:50pm Phil  
I think she said her piece and she has chosen the new guy
No
10:50pm
You don’t know that.
10:51pm Phil  
No, I guess not
10:51pm
And from what you’ve said, she may and then in a month, it will be different.
10:53pm Phil  
I don’t think this dude is a keeper. Bar fly, will use her till he wants something different
10:53pm
Then be patient…
10:54pm Phil 
I know
10:54pm
It is tough, when a woman is so lonely, to pass up the guy who is right there.
10:55pm Phil  
I know that too. She just needs attention and companionship and to have a little fun. Don’t blame her for that

I’m not there. I’m over here. I’ve been so good. I don’t touch my wife. No desire. I just want The Beach Gal.

10:59pm
I hope when it becomes clear you can be there, that you’ve learned your lesson, that you mean it this time and you’re coming to stay… she will take you in.
 Work toward that… slow, loving, sweet… like you are.
11:00pm Phil  
The Beach Gal has nobody. Her friends are shitbags. Kids too busy for her.
11:05pm Phil
I meant it this time. My early out was for us. Been putting money away for us. Had to be out of this job. What I have learned is that a lot of stuff I got worked up about, did not matter. Just did not. Should have called her every day to tell her I love her. Just called on Saturday. Stupid on my part. Knew she needed more than that. She did not feel like a priority. My bad as she said.
11:06pm
So be there now. Just a little. Every day.
When can you see her?
If you can touch her…
11:09pm Phil  
I won’t fuck with her head or heart cause I was stupid. She won’t hurt this guy. He is making her laugh and paying attention. She will contact me if he gets stupid. I’ll pick up the pieces
11:11pm
Giving her what she has longed for for years is not messing with her.
You have a pattern of backing off, not saying, not going after what you want… break that!
11:12pm Phil  
I know.
11:12pm
I can’t believe I am trying to give romantic advice… ha ha.
11:13pm Phil
Just don’t want her to say leave me the fuck alone
11:15pm
If she does, I want you to be able to say that you said and did everything you could. I’ve just seen so many people… heard so many stories… where people don’t speak up and the other person never knows…I want you to be the guy who lives happily ever after!

This love stuff is every day if you’re doing it right… always thinking of ways to make her smile. You’re good at it!

Not expecting anything in return, just thinking of things to brighten her day.

Is any of this helping at all or am I just a pest?

11:21pm Phil  
Just don’t know. Will see
11:22pm
Fair enough. I’ll go back to rubbing your feet.
11:24pm Phil  
With lotion. Only had one person do that for me ever, or massage my shoulders.  The Beach Gal.
Being met naked with your favorite drink is a treat too! Can’t believe I fucked this up
Gotta try to sleep. Won’t be easy
11:27pm
I’ll go back to praying for you. Sweet dreams, kid.

Of course, now I get to think about your shoulders… yum. My favorite part. And that word… naked. Thanks, mister.

11:45pm Phil  

Nite Sass. Think I need the prayers.

by

Naked sushi

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

10:13am Phil
I was doing great.  An ok day.  Pulled up The Beach Gal’s Facebook because I can’t help myself, not much there.  I see she is hidng new phoots from me and I am sure almost all of her posts. Means those are photos of her and Mr. new.  Again, just hurt, opened it all up all over again. I’m so damned stupid.
10:55am
Hiya, kid.  Did you sleep?  Eat?  First… you don’t know what you’re not seeing.  Second… stop looking!  I know… that’s tough.  But let the damn wound heal.  Stop picking at it!
Go talk to some subordinate, make his or her day.
11:12am
So what does your wife think is going on with you?
11:21am
It’s 53 degrees! Daydreaming about you here… going for a walk on the beach in Gloucester, eating chowder and lobster, smiling in the afternoon sunshine.  If only I could walk!  
11:56am Phil
Slept a little, still not eating.  I know but I can’t help myself.  My wife has not even picked up on the fact that I have been so miserable, so withdrawn.  She is not a particularly sympathetic person and probably just thinks it’s a work thing, not that she would ask. I guess it’s nice out here too.  I don’t much care.  I’m not even interested in football this week.  Could care less.  Parties galore and much merriment and I don’t want any part of any of it.  I am usually such a Christmas person. Sucks.
2:21pm
Done with the weekly staff meeting. Whee!  We had a guest speaker.  I was thinking that you’d like to pick his brain.  It amazes me all the research being done and no one is changing based on it.  
My mind boggles at how different I am from your wife.  Course you’d probably say I notice too much, am too sympathetic and want to hug you too much!  I do hope the Christmas spirit and other people’s merriment will infect you.  I’m very glad to hear you’re not leaning on alcohol… that could be very bad.  It’s good you have a mask to put on.  
Not interested in football?  Get to a doctor STAT!
3:59pm Phil
I would never do that with booze.  I drink cause I enjoy it not to get hammered or avoid life.  Life is too short to take that route.  Not my style.  I will ache and slowly the ache will fade.  I will remember and smile.  I will always regret not doing more. I love that free spirited girl.  She would have been horrible as an Officer’s Wife but she’s amazing fun and we would have had so many great times outside of the military. I like to sit on the front porch naked.  Not worry that anyone might notice.  Just hang out, sip a drink, laugh.  My wife would not do that if I held a gun to her.  I used to love to skinny dip in my pool.  Only in the pitch of dark for her. I’d do a nude beach in a nano second, climb in a hot tub with other people. So would The Beach Gal.  I am going to miss that so much and I’ll never get it again.
4:02pm
Ah… the days you’ve had!  I do not believe you will never have fun again.
4:12pm Phil
I’ll have fun, I manage to find it but damn that girl was something. Every day is a little better.  This afternoon was horrible but now a little better.  Goes in waves of miserable depression, nausea, etc to just a heavy heart. I need to will myself to have better days. I can do that.  I’ve done it before. Swam for forty minutes today, feels like my arms are going to fall off.  That’s a good distractor.  Lost more weight and still dropping.  Takes me a couple of months to get back on track from this and I will end up 30 lbs lighter which is ok.
9:39pm Phil
Lots of discussion tonight. Nice. Probably won’t amount to much but nice
9:40pm
Oh?  With whom?
9:41pm Phil
The Beach Gal
9:41pm
Wow.  I was expecting that.
9:42pm Phil
You were?
9:42pm
Yup.
9:42pm Phil
Why?
9:43pm
Common pattern.  And you are irresistible. 
9:43pm Phil
Chatted most of the afternoon and evening
Common pattern?
Do we end up naked on the porch for the next 40 years?
9:45pm
Ha ha
9:46pm Phil
Irresistible, no but I do think I’m a good man
9:46pm
Gist of the chatting?
9:47pm Phil
I love her, almost at the end of military tour, free to make moves. Kids will get over it
9:48pm
Her reaction?
9:51pm Phil
At first, too late, I won’t hurt this good new guy. Won’t do this again. Tonight very different, very loving
9:51pm
Interesting
9:51pm Phil
Hm?
9:52pm
Told ya… irresistible!
I am proud of you for fighting for what you want
9:52pm Phil
Emotional tie has always been so strong
9:52pm
I understand
9:53pm Phil
Always done for every one else, never me
9:53pm
Hide the knives
9:54pm Phil
Don’t know yet what happened if anything but it was so nice
Huh?
9:55pm
I hope your roller coaster ride is over… that you can swing up and stay up with her!
9:55pm Phil
What’s that mean?
9:55pm
When you tell my wife…hide the knives. 
9:56pm Phil
Oh, yeah no shit. Don’t want anything from here. Just my clothes and tools.
9:57pm
and the plants
9:57pm Phil
The Beach Gal is a pretty wild roller coaster. Need a harness for that one but worth it
Will grow new ones
9:58pm
Fun to plan, eh?
10:00pm Phil
Been planning. Have all these ideas but got so bogged down with work, I have not been sharing.
10:01pm
Do tell!
10:02pm Phil
Much to do. Have to rebuild our trust in each other. Doable but takes time, work, love
10:02pm
Sure
Did you mention naked on the porch?
10:04pm Phil
The house. Knockout walls, expand, put in tiki bar, hot tub, bigger kitchen. And naked on the porch. It’s a stoop so you are right there by the road, cars going by
It’s very cool. I pretty much wander around naked any way
10:05pm
So back to the Beach.
10:05pm Phil
It’s wrong on every level but so hot and so much fun
10:06pm
Not wrong.  Your house, whatever!
I am so happy for you.
10:07pm Phil
Will be at the beach for awhile. Where The Beach Gal’s place is. Mile from the beach. Great waterfront bar, nice uncrowned beach where you can also be naked
10:08pm
Wow
You have a one track naked mind tonight!
10:08pm Phil
Wow?
We never wore a lot of clothes around each other
10:09pm
Nice
10:11pm Phil
Ha ha. I’m not particularly shy about that. Why I work hard in the gym
10:11pm
Sorry… I got lost in thinking about that.  Back now.
10:12pm Phil
What? Me naked?
10:12pm
la la la….
10:13pm Phil
LOL.
I can get that way pretty quick
10:22pm
Tempting…
10:23pm Phil
Ha ha,
10:24pm
Trying to behave.  Not confuse you further. 
10:26pm Phil
Ever had sex on the beach? Not the drink? Wow! The threat of getting caught, the sound of the surf, then run into the water
10:27pm
la la la…not listening! 
10:28pm Phil
Lol
Really don’t get sand where you think
10:30pm
I promise… if a guy offers, I will do it.
10:31pm Phil
It’s amazing! We were on a beach were we not?
10:39pm
Were we?  Other than Cancun in our minds…
10:40pm Phil
There was a beach in gloucester
10:50pm
Mmmmf…. sorry… got lost again. 
11:36pm
   
Very interesting sushi party photo! Always did want to try this on you with lobster maki… Bet you could get into this.
11:37pm
Sleep well, sweet man. I mean it… sleep.
by

Sheep

Tuesday, December 4, 2012
7:51am Phil  
Good morning, another bad night, lay awake most of the night, still not hungry. 
I have come to the realization that I fucked this up. I let her slip away and I have no one to blame but me. I’m stuck in a marriage with my room mate and buddy. We have fun together. We get along, we share a home but we almost never touch. I have been searching for something my entire life. I guess I still am. I want that soul searing-connection,  that absolute need to touch, to be near another person. I had it and I let it slip away and now she is someone elses and I have only me to blame. I am heartbroken, sad, filled with sorrow and I don’t have a clue what to do, how to proceed, how to carry on. I just don’t know how to move on. I’ve never felt this, ever. I am sorry to dump my crap on you. 
How are you Sass? How is the foot doing? Sounds like project was fun last night. I hope the work issues get resolved. I know how badly it sucks to be in that environment. Hope your day in good.
8:13am 
Good morning! Dashing to work. Thank you for letting me know how you’re doing. It helps me feel useful! Foot hurts, job sucks, need a hug so bad and can’t get it, …but project helps! Another meeting  tonight!
    
8:23am Phil

I know how you feel about the hug. I get hugs from the dogs, not the same. I need to hold on to someone and cry till I have no more tears in me to cry. I need to get it all out. Keeping it inside is just bad. 

I hear you. The foot would drive me bananas. I am down 14 pounds since Thanksgiving. Physically feeling spunky again, very close to passing a low for me and that’s good. The reason for the loss sucks. Some how depriving myself makes it easier. No booze, no food, no sleep, really does make it easier
1:14pm 
Hey, kid. Hobbling off to find lunch. Tell me you have done the same? You are scaring me with this deprivation! Take care of yourself… need your strength and best brain!
         
1:14pm Phil  
 Hey girlie! How’s ur day?
1:23pm Phil  
I had tiny sammich. Still not hungry. Not much interested in anything. trying to stay submersed in work, work out as much as I can. Staying far away from any alcohol. I don’t need anything to depress me more than I already am. I eat enough to survive. Nothing tastes good or looks good so I pick the most nutritious thing I see and eat enough to sustain. I drink water and coffee, not much taste to either of those so not an issue. I just don’t want anything. 
Got the Bigwigs Christmas party on Friday, Army/Navy game party on Saturday, party that evening and then another Bigwigs annual Christmas party on Sunday. Got to smile and shake hands and be social and gracious. I can make believe with the best of them. Spoke to 1400 co-workers yesterday and getting ready to do that again. Have to stand up there and laugh and joke too. I really just want to be alone with my thoughts for a week and cry till I can’t any more. 
Each day is better. Have to guard my attitude though. I’m on a “love is bullshit” slant at the moment. Got me no where. The people who are in relationships for convenience or finance are better off. No broken hearts there. I know someday I will look back and laugh at the memories because we made some great ones and I’ll be so glad for the time we did have. But fuck it hurts right now.
5:09pm
Hey, kid. Heading off to the project meeting! Hope it perks me up. Work nearly slay me today. Let’s see if I can make some other people happy! Mwah!
5:09pm Phil
 Have fun!
5:10pm
🙂 
            
5:24pm Phil
Can you see a photo on my timeline I just posted?
5:46pm 
Nope.
5:50pm Phil
Cool, FB security works! Love your voicemail
5:54pm
Oh?
Adore my sultry voice, eh?
6:00pm Phil
 Very sexy
7:51pm
Oops… You got my mischief voicemail…hmmm…I better change my settings! Don’t want you mixed in with my man harem! You’re special…betterrrrr.
7:53pm Phil
Ha ha ha, I love it! I was not sure I had the right number but then I was like damn!
8:03pm Gotta keep my secrets from the silly men. Fake name, fake number. Awww….you’ve heard my sexy voice… You know that girl. Like no one else.
First meeting done…on to second group!
8:38pm
Wait…what photo are you hiding? Are you being bad?
         
10:14pm Phil 
Ahhhhhhhh. Excellent. Keep working to make lives better. 
Not being bad, old pic, just messing with settings
10:16pm 
Home now… such a great evening! You hanging in, kid?
         
10:21pm Phil 

Better. Still no appetite. Hope I sleep tonight.exhausted. I’m toasted.
Glad u had a good evening

10:25pm
 I can send you a few sheep to count if you like.
      
10:25pm Phil
 Cool!
10:28pm
Here you go.
10:29pm Phil   
Lol
by

Love is forever

Monday, December 3, 2012
6:33am
Good morning girl.  No sleep last night.  I tried to reach out to The Beach Gal and I finally got a response.  Not quite the loving tone I hoped for.
Oh hell, I’m gonna say it. Fuck you for letting me slip away. Your bad.
You should have stepped up like a man and treated me like the lady I am
Now someone else is treating me like a lady
I did not sleep a wink.  I guess I knew but wow.  There were more delicate ways to put that but The Beach Gal has always been rather direct so I guess there I am.  Hope your day is better than mine.
She sent me all these pictures on Saturday with little kisses.  We chatted nicely and I was so filled with hope and then this.  I just don’t know how to react. No more tears, dried out, already been sick to my stomach, sitting here shaking.  If this is what a broken heart feels like, it sucks.  I’m just devastated, trying to figure out how to function.
8:20am
Hiya kid.  Wow.  Harsh.  So sorry.  You take it minute by minute.  Focus on work,  compartmentalize as always.  Lean on me.  If you can, nap.  You may wish this will kill you but it doesn’t.  I’m praying for you.
8:29am Phil
There are no words to describe how I feel. Can’t focus, can’t think, just complete and utter sadness.  I just feel like all the joy and happiness has been sucked out of me. Thanks for being here.  I have no one to lean on here, no one to talk to.  Feel like I have nothing.  I had it bad. A friend told me sometimes love isn’t enough, I guess not. That harshness is why. I’ve seen it before and always pulled up and said, whoa.  I could have said the same thing in a loving manner.  Guess it’s never easy and to the point may be best.  I certainly got the point :'( .
8:57am
I know exactly how you feel.  It SUCzkz.  I am here – talk all you want.  Now stick out your tongue!
10:10am Phil
Just stood up and smiled and talked to a big room full of co-workers. So hard when I just want to disappear. I’ve never felt this way before. Never such emptiness. Been hurt before but nothing like this. Wished her love and happiness and said I’d cherish the memories. I hope this is not one of the ones that remains.
10:50am
Yay!  That which does not kill you makes you stronger. Keep taking deep breaths.  Hug your dogs!
11:36am Phil
Dogs don’t help.  I have always been one of those people who said just get over it and move on.  I never understood how people got so impacted by a relationship.  It’s because I did not have someone who I physically, emotionally needed. I never had someone who was so much a part of me.  I guess that was rather one-sided now that I think about it. I feel like a part of me has been removed and I’ll be without it forever and I’ll always feel the ache and think about how it was when I laughed so easily, took such joy in the simplest of things.  When a smile could light the entire day.  How do you get over that? 
I read some where that when you love someone, you love them forever.  You may fall out of love with them but if it was real, you will always love them.  I believe that.  If it was real, it’s forever, never goes away.  I think we as humans are capable of love many times.  I believe in soul mates and I believe we don’t always end up with our soul mate.  My outlook on relationships has changed though.  Not so easy to get over it, the pain just lingers and lingers and you keep asking why?  We talked about all of this, about the time it was going to take, and made plans and I thought we were well on our way and then all of this. 
I know why people stay in shitty yet safe relationships.  I could stay with my wife forever and we would be content. There would be no hugs, no lust, no sex, no romance, no sympathy, no shoulder to cry on, no calming words to sooth the pain, no foot rubs, back rubs, no tender nights.  You go to work, come home, fix something to eat, sit on the couch and watch TV with little to no conversation and no physical contact, fall asleep, get up start over.  You go to dinner with friends, do stuff with the kids, go on a cruise, take a vacation, go to the mall. The physical part, the need to touch, to catch an eye across the room, the flip of the head, the unspoken messaging. I never had it and I miss it so much and I’m so afraid I’ll never have it again.  I think my wife loves me, in her way.  I also think I am safe and comfortable for her and I am her security blanket.  I make great money, have good benefits and I work very long hours so she does not have to deal with me much. I think she would like a more physical relationship but I don’t think she feels it either.  Just sucks!
12:56pm
You may not get over this, but you will get through it.  I googled for broken heart advice and you’re already doing many things right – exercise, talking it out, getting on with your work.
Wanna buy a bar?  
http://keywestbest.com/business/
Key West Business Opportunities, Business For Sale in Key West, FL
What about a gay bar?  😉
http://keys.craigslist.org/bfs/3428250636.html
Popular Gay Bar For Sale
Okay… a pub? 
 http://www.loopnet.com/Listing/17515518/102041-Overseas-Hwy-Key-Largo-FL/
102041 Overseas Hwy, Key Largo, FL, 33037 – Restaurant Property for Sale on LoopNet.com
A garden shop?  Sell everyone plants!  
http://www.loopnet.com/Listing/16835843/104475-Overseas-Hwy-Key-Largo-FL/
104475 Overseas Hwy, Key Largo, FL, 33037 – Free Standing Bldg Property for Sale on LoopNet.com
Motorcyle rental and repair?  I know it’s silly.. but you need something new to think about.  
http://www.loopnet.com/Listing/17800662/106130-Overseas-Highway-Key-Largo-FL/
106130 Overseas Highway, Key Largo, FL, 33037 – Street Retail Property for Sale on LoopNet.com
1:52pm Phil
No I don’t think I will get over it. Gave myself completely, all shields down.  No defenses up. I’ll never do that again, hurts too bad. I’ll always maintain my defenses and I don’t think I’ll ever let anyone in again. I’m too old to be crushed like this. I did not deserve this. You can’t help who you fall in love with.
2:07pm Phil
Good Lord. Sobbing, gut wrenching sobs. This is unreal. I need to get a grip. I suspect it will take some time to get back to some semblance of normal. I was so excited Saturday. Thought I’d been wrong, thought there was hope and then this. I can’t process this. Can’t get a grip on my emotions.
2:08pm
Hugs.  Get up.  Move. Drink water.
3:06pm Phil
A little better. Needed the cry. Tired, wrung out. Feel like I should be angry but I’ve never been angry. Just not me. Just sad and hurt but I’ll live. A few scars but I’ll get my smile back. My heart will mend and I’ll forgive.
3:09pm
Phew.  Been worrying.  Meeting now with boss.  My weekly check-in since I am such a “bad worker.”  *sigh
3:33pm Phil
Ahhhh, that sucks.  There is nothing I can do about The Beach Gal.  She made a choice and it was not me.  That’s life.  I’ll love her always and that’s ok too.  Everything reminds me of her and right now that’s very hard.  The fuck you from her, really hit hard.  There was no reason for that and I did not deserve it. Thousand different ways to say that other than the way she did and I still don’t know why all the venom.
4:35pm
Off to PT for the stupid foot, then on to a project meeting.  Whee!  But I will be thinking of you.
4:43pm Phil
Working out. It helps. Gotta slow down. Going like a crazy man.
Good luck at PT
5:10pm Phil
That helped. Lifted my spirits for a bit.  Darkness creeping in again. Nights and quiet times are going to be so tough
10:37pm
Hiya kid.  PT hurt, foot hurts.  Whine!  Hot ham & cheese croissant for supper… Yum!  Great meeting tonight.  Sis made me get up and talk!  Brat!  Home now.  Hoping you are asleep and dreaming of lobster.  Mwahhaha..
10:46pm Phil
Glad it went well. Still awake.
Just no appetite and not tired. Trying to make sense of everything.
Can’t eat, can’t sleep, don’t want to
10:52pm
Sorry to hear that.  Make sure to rest and drink water anyway.  It is not going to make sense, sweet man.  It is what it is.
10:56pm Phil
Yeah it is. I know that. I just don’t get any of it

by

Second chance

Sunday, December 2, 2012
9:01am Phil
Good morning.   May have had a beer or two too many last night.  Wow! Going to ride the bike a bit this morning, work up a sweat.  Good party. You up this early on a Sunday?
9:20am Phil
Guess not
9:21 am TEXT Phil: Morning
9:48am Phil
I think it’s too late for that. I had a plan and did not stick to it.  Should have stayed gone when I was gone.  I think too much and I don’t follow my heart when I should.
10:10am Phil
You can’t fix stupid and I was stupid. Should have grabbed on and never let go. I don’t blame The Beach Gal, my fault for not being there. Had my chance and blew it. What I get for playing it safe, taking the route everyone thought I should.  Should have blocked everyone out and done what I wanted.  I’m not a stupid man but I have made some pretty damn stupid decisions over the course of life. Some you can undo, others not. I try to smile and continue on.
11:03am
Hiya kid!
11:25am
If I forgave you after 35 years and gave you a second chance, surely she will?  If that’s what you want, talk to her, explain, beg, bargain.  Love is patient…
You are older and wiser now – use what you’ve learned and move forward in a better direction!  I want you excited, happy and dancing by 4 pm.  Go!
12:16pm
Have you seen these? Too fun!
[URL for Dog-shaped Oil & Vinegar Set]
             
12:27pm Phil
I need to finish the Military. I have to be done with that in order to move on. It’s not fair to have her life on hold waiting on me. I go about day to day, go to dinner etc, what has she got? Nothing. Not fair. I spent so much time appeasing my kids and not wanting to hurt my wife. Me leaving changes the rest of my wife’s life dramatically. She has never made any money. Not sure how she would live. I should not worry about that but I do. Problem is when you walk people get hurt and that sucks. It’s why people forgo love and romance and stay in relationships without it
1:21pm Phil 
 This sucks
1:22pm
Hey, kid. I don’t know this gal, but if it was me and I knew that a year from now you’d be in my life and my bed? And in the intervening months we’d plan and dream? I’d be all over that. She’s waited this long, what’s few more months? You have given your entire life to this country and to your wife. Give yourself permission to stop. Give your wife a chance to find a man who adores her and will do what she wants. You’ve been hurting her for years… STOP. You are stuck with your kids. 🙂 You will be surprised how happy people can be and you have NO IDEA how your life will improve when you can go where you want, wear what you want, take off the mask and be with the right woman! Your family is on your side now, even the chaplain told you to stop trying. There are so many people like me who can’t go… but you can! But no matter what, I will be here to make you smile as often as you’ll let me!
1:24pm Phil  
Just afraid it’s too late
1:24pm
TRY!
 Climb up out of your rut, see the possibilities!
 Go Philip! Go P H I L!
Now you see why I was never a cheerleader…. ;0
1:26pm Phil 
She won’t take my calls. I think she is trying to move on.
Don’t blame her. Blame myself
1:29pm
Forget about blame. Find a way to say you’re sorry and all you want is to see her smile again.

Send her favorite flowers or something.

1:29pm Phil 
I have such a sense of loss
1:29pm
Make a grand gesture.
I know, sweetie. 
1:41pm
Let it push you to make it better?
1:48pm
I wish she knew me… I’d call for you!
4:06pm Phil
My team WINS! One good thing in the day.
4:08pm
Yay!  I’m off to the monthly project steering and dinner.  Rock on!
4:10pm Phil
Have fun. 
Trying to figure out to clear this fog in my head and ache in my heart. Failing miserably.
4:11pm
Sometimes all I can say is “tomorrow will be better.”  And usually it is.  Hugs!
4:12pm Phil
Thanks 🙂
7:39pm
Okay!  How was the football?
7:45pm Phil
My team WON!
7:45pm
Good game or “scary just pulled it out” stuff?
8:01pm Phil
Scarlet
8:02pm
Rhett?
8:28pm Phil
Shit, scary.  Benched the quarterback
8:29pm
Finally!  The new guy gonna get some time?
8:30pm Phil
No, he was hurt. Third string
8:30pm
Oh my.  They won with a 3rd string QB?  Wow.
8:31pm Phil
Just happy for the win

by

Beers help

Year 3 -Week 16 December 2012
Saturday, December 1, 2012
7:06am Phil
Good morning!  Slept well, up early to hit the gym and three Christmas parties!  
Going to do some reports in between.  Busy day.  Hope you have a relaxing one.
4:18pm
[reacting to photos of him he posted on FB at various parties]
Wow!  You are looking so trim and delicious.  Let me suck on your candy cane?
5:06pm Phil
Ha ha! Thanks
7:27pm Phil
Much better day today. Adjusting slowly and finding the heart to be mysterious thing.
7:28pm
Phew.  It takes time.
8:56pm Phil
Gonna take a loooong time. Happy then sad. Wonder of You came on the radio, I burst into tears. Having beers at a bar I like
Much better
8:57pm
Some say it helps to listen to music, get the emotions out… dunno.  Yay for beers!
11:03pm Phil
Music kills me
11:04pm
Found anything that helps?
12:07am Phil
No. Nothing helps.
Heard the Wonder of You today and just burst out in tears. Song says it all
12:13am
Awwww… sorry babe.
12:42am Phil
Music was our thing and music tears me apart. Beers are good though
Music kills me. Was our thing. Beers help but I’m so hopelessly hung up
12:43am
When did you find out?
12:43am Phil
What?
Find out what?
12:45am
About The Beach Gal and your pal?  Trying to figure out when you might start to feel better….
12:50am Phil
Oh lord. I don’t care about her with my pal. Lonely, don’t care. I should have made a move. Military makes it hard. She misinterpreted my intentions.  I wanted so badly to find a little beach house and live happily ever after. Military makes it impossible. Need to be out. She thought I was unwilling to do what needs to be done. I was so ready.
Not sure I’ll ever feel better
12:54am
I hear you.  I wish there was something more I could do. But I am sure you will feel better… So she’s mad that you have to wait a year?
12:57am Phil
I don’t know. It’s been a long time. Lives with her six months. Happiest time of my life. Got suckered by kids and family. I went back and left the best thing I ever had.
1:00am
Can it be again?  or are you looking through rose colored glasses?  Only you can answer that.
But you can think about it tomorrow… relax, rest… remember better times.  Sleep.
1:05am Phil
No rose colored glasses. I pray for another opportunity. There were issues but there was such passion, such love
1:09am
Better days will come… I feel it in my bones.  You deserve it and you will get it.
1:14am Phil
I hope so.
1:14am
Decide what you want and go after it.  Make a plan. I will help you however I can.
1:26am
I’m off to bed… sleep sweet man.
by

One-minute kiss

Friday, November 30, 2012
8:41am  Phil 
Have a good day girlie. Angry, hurt, sad, conflicted. Wow. Gotta pull my pants up and get over it. Good news is I’m dropping weight like it’s nothing. Have not been eating and working out like there is no tomorrow. It’s how I cope. Two parties tomorrow. Gotta paint my smile on and be the Happy Officer.  Have a good day Sassy.

9:02am Phil
Had a cigar and scotch last night alone with my thoughts. Tried to think of good things. Thought of you, work. Try to imagine what the future holds but I just don’t know. Just want to hold someone and cry till I’m done. Never cried in front of my wife and hugging is not an option. She’s not a hugger.
9:11am Phil
Hot Action Cop, (Fever for the Flava) just came on, laughing my ass off.  The song always makes me smile. I needed that.  🙂

11:34am
Hiya handsome!  Thanks for showing me your smiling face this morning!  Still don’t like the tree, but whatever makes you smile, dear man.   I want a photo where I can see the weight loss, please?
11:46am
Wow!  Angry, hurt, sad and conflicted?  You’re doing it up, eh?  I hear you.  So glad you took time alone.  I want to hug you so bad… distance SUCKS!  If calling might help, I’m here for you. I like being in on the entire range of emotions!

12:09pm
Pull up your pants and get over it?  What a good plan!  Of course, I want to pull them down and slide over you… mmmm.  Gosh, I’m in a silly sexy mood… sorry if you were looking for serious.  Four messages from you makes me soar!  And put my fingers between my legs…
One more thing and then I promise to quit yammering… The idea that thoughts of me can help you is AMAZING!  I’ve been feeling rather useless, so helping you out is wonderful!
12:25pm
One minute kiss that reminds me of DC.  🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwoD-3Q4zUU
private practice 2×20 – Addie/Noah hot kiss
12:35pm Phil
I love it! I needed a laugh!  I’ll live. My brain has been telling me all along and I refused to listen. I believe in following your heart and I am one of those people who thinks too much. Sometimes you just need to go with it. Never pulled the trigger because of nagging doubts. I’m not unhappy or abused. I have always wanted the kind of relationship where you look at your partner and go “damn baby, you the hottest thing I have ever seen.”  Where you always want to be touching, where the sex is hot and twisted some times, and slow and tender other times. 
I guess I have a normal relationship.  We putter around the house, go to dinner, go to a show, all the stuff you are supposed to do. At night, we sit at opposite sides of the room, in bed, we are separated by as much space as possible and the dogs. We don’t walk hand in hand or arm in arm.  To have some one meet you at the door with a drink and sit you down and rub your shoulders or your feet and genuinely want to hear about your day. That’s what it’s about to me..  I want that so desperately.

I have friends who are like me, it’s ok, it’s not bad, you go through life. I have other friends who are screwing in hot tubs, back yards, the beach, and are always touching each other and obviously so into one another.  I am so jealous of those people. I have friends who are swingers,  They do the whole Hedo thing. I have been naked with them in a hot tub on numerous occasions. Nothing happens because the deal is it needs to be a couple but we have spent many nights side by side naked in the tub sipping scotch and smoking cigars or skinny dipping in their pool.  I’m not real shy about being naked.  Been in a pool with them and 12 naked gay guys, in a hot tub full to overflowing with naked bodies.  That’s an interesting thing. Never gonna happen with my wife.  It was a blast though and very much me. ^_^

Thinking of you always brings a smile.  That’s a good thing. I’ll be ok.  Just need to get past this and I will.  I’m pretty resilient. Glad you enjoyed the photo. I had a crazy morning in the office.  Going to go for a swim in the pool.  I need to blow off some steam and I’ll hit the elliptical for an hour later on. It is a healing process for me. Always loved being in the pool.  Wish I could pack up for a week and go to Key West but I’d be miserable.  The beach, the music, were our thing, still my thing but this going to take awhile before it stops bringing back sad memories.   Ah well. Very sexy kiss video!

4:17pm Phil
Pool was awesome! Half an hour swim.  Getting ready to jump on the elliptical too! Feel a little better which is a good thing.
4:18pm
Yay!  Smooch.
8:42pm
Psst… your texts/photo are going to my email.  and in a weird format.  Re-route them to my phone if you can?  Thank you!  and I never saw the ugly green phone… was staring at your smile and your hands and thinking what you would do to me with them!  Yum…
TEXT 
10:50 PM Phil: Better?
11:06 PM Me: Most excellent!  Mwah!

by

Hot memories

Thursday, November 29, 2012
7:47am
Good morning! Lunch date w/ a Professor. Pray! Hope your Thursday is great!
       
7:52am Phil
Oh wow! You go girl! I will certainly pray for you and wish you luck as well. I could use a little good news. Been so down of late, can’t shake it. There are truly good men out there. They are not all selfish creeps. You deserve a good one Sass!

I need to finish up this military thing and find out who I am again. I think I’ve kind of lost that. You have to put a mask on to do this job and I’ve worn the mask too long. Stuck in the same routine. Very happy professionally, but so sad personally. Work 14 hours, go home, grab a bite, have a drink, sit alone on the couch and pretend to watch TV. My mind whirling with memories and thoughts and lost opportunities. I wish for much more for you. Hope lunch is fantastic!
           

12:39pm Phil
Hope lunch was good!

1:59pm
Awww….thanks! The gumbo was yummy and he made me laugh – no clue if there will be more, but it was fun and he paid. Please try not to be sad… remember I am here to help. Better days are coming for us both!

3:24pm Phil
I’m glad it was nice. I love gumbo! The fact that he made you laugh is wonderful as well. Sad for reasons that continue but I am working on it. Pretty bad when people start to notice. I’ll be ok. Thanks for the encouragement!
       
5:12pm Phil
Someday I will tell you this sordid little tale. I believe I have learned a lesson though. Hurt me. This has been a long journey that I thought would end happily and instead ended in disappointment and tears. I should know better. Guess we all have our problems and issues.

5:19pm
Are you talking Beach Gal? I’ve wondered. I am so sorry you’re hurt! You can share… think of me rubbing your feet and let it out whenever you want. Take a walk and call if you don’t want to type. This is what old friends are for. Not just p0rn!

5:44pm Phil
Yeah, it’s Beach Girl. Girl was so different from anyone else – emotional, fun, I was completely smitten. We clicked. Was one of those things where my brain has always said bad idea but my heart pulled me in the opposite direction. We have not spent any time together in a long time. She drinks too much and when she does, she makes bad decisions, gets nasty, and gets very flirty. I should have walked away from this long ago but just could not do so.

She picked some guy up in a bar several months ago. Moved him in for a month till she figured out he was a shit bag. About broke my heart. Then called back crying and I fell right back into it again. She got hammered one night and called me to tell me about the great sex. Did not realize she did it the next day.

Also got drunk and told me she tried to get it on with one of my best friends. They both said they just got together for beers one night but they ended up drinking tequila at her place and she tried to get it on, he was too drunk to perform. He is no longer my best buddy.

She is running around with another guy now that I just found out about. I’m done. I did not deserve all that and there was much more. Men can be such stupid creatures. Sweetest thing in the world during the day. Add alcohol and at a certain point, look out. Just took me a very long time to realize and fully understand. One second laughing, next second crying or ripping into me. Like my Dad used to flame on at the drop of a hat and for no apparent reason.

The heart is a funny thing. I kept going back for more with him too. Always had this dream of a little beach house with palms and hammock, couple Adirondack chairs in the sand. Watching the sun rise or set, long walks on the beach, good seafood, friends over for music, darts, drinks. Dancing under the stars.

I’d like to be sitting at some little seafood place enjoying some chowder and the foot rub would be most welcome. I’m sorry, you did not need to hear all that and I did not intend to burden you with it. Just came out.

6:39pm
Hey, kid, Thanks for explaining. I like to know what’s up… it’s not a burden! You’ve certainly listened to my crap. I’m so sorry she is not the person you thought. You deserve better. Can you consider yourself lucky to have found out now? Which buddy was it? Does he know you know?

I hope writing it out helped. I wish there was more I could do… can you get to see me again? For now, go back in your mind and feel the warm September sunset, taste the chowder. Go way back to the camp fire. Listen to good tunes.

Soon you’ll pick yourself up and head off in a new direction. You are a kind, fun, handsome, capable man and you’ll find a stable, sexy woman who appreciates that and makes you crazy in the best possible way! I want it to be me, but I understand if I’m not the girl of your dreams. I just want you to be happy. I will always be here to listen, rub your feet and any other body part. 😉

6:39pm Phil 

Did you see my football tree?

6:40pm
It’s hideous! 🙂
   
6:44pm Phil
It was [pal’s name redacted] she fooled around with.  I love the guy but he thinks with his dick when he drinks.

I think back to camp and you often. Think about DC too and Boston. Good times.

6:46pm
Oh my… so sorry.

Yeah… we did manage to have fun and make memories, didn’t we? The first time you touched me in DC was the hottest moment of my life.

6:48pm Phil
Yanked your britches down and buried my tongue inside you I believe and then buried my cock inside you. Welcum to DC 🙂

6:50pm
You took very good care of me…

6:52pm Phil
We also had wonderful dinners. Was fun. Loved the Greek and Thai places

I remember picking you up, memories flooding back. We picked up right away.

Loved Boston. Amazing dinner , amazing night

7:01pm

I adored listening to your stories…

7:07pm Phil
Got a million of them 🙂

Lifting weights now. Soothes my soul. Works my body and calms me. Something about lifting heavy shit
           

7:10pm
Just don’t show my chest to your spotting guy this time!

7:11pm Phil
Ha ha! That’s was funny as hell! No spotter tonight, just me. It was hot too 😉

7:14pm
I may not have it all but my chest is stellar.

7:15pm Phil
You do have amazing tits 🙂

7:15pm

I have my hand there right now… pretending it is yours.
           
7:18pm Phil
Mmmmmm, I like that

7:19pm
Tweaking, twisting…

Damn… the things talking to you makes me do!

7:44pm Phil
Ha ha! Love it!

by

Exposed in public

Wednesday, November 28, 2012
8:31am
Good morning! Dashing to work but want to say you rock! You are so good to me. Thanks! Have a wonderful Wednesday!

9:55pm
Hiya kid. Hugs! Tonight I have the “exposed in public” tumblr… not quite sure if it’s interesting or creepy, but an interesting look. Enjoy!
I love it when people are naked outside, exposing their beautiful bodies to the sun and anyone that…
           
12:12am Phil
I like it. Would like to expose you in public as you lean over the balcony railing being pounded by hard cock. I like to be naked outside, like sex outside. Hugs back 🙂
12:14am
Oh, that sounds incredible! I had a feeling this might entertain you… I wish it showed men! 🙂 Sweet dreams, kid.
                       
12:19am Phil
 You too babe. Sweet dreams!