His life preserver

Friday, December 7, 2012
7:05am Phil   
Good morning girl. Happy Friday. I hope its a good one for you. Have a fabulous day!
8:32am Phil
I told The Beach Gal goodnight last night. Nothing. I can’t keep this up. No food, no sleep. Have decided if I get the chance again to jump. If not, will just have to get through. Going to make more of an effort to tell the people I love that I love them. Going to talk to my Mom more. Have to get out of this funk. This is why people jump out windows. This shit is awful, pain, regret, sorrow and it all just swirls around and drags you deeper and deeper into depression. Fuck!
8:43 am TEXT: Phil: Not my best look.  🙁
 [Photo of him in a sweatshirt not smiling.  Never see that.]
8:50 am TEXT Phil: Put on my cape and clown mask and presto!  The Officer.
[Photo of him in uniform smiling]  
8:54am Phil
Listening to Andy Williams, lonely street, followed by Ed Ames, my cup runneth over with love. Not helping.
Good morning! Mired in payroll…sending you good thoughts and a pummeling back rub. Can you get a pro massage? They can be good at releasing tension.
10:52am Phil
Work was horrible. Had to reel myself back in. My problems are not theirs. My back is fine. My head is so horribly twisted. I get it in my head. The Beach Gal is lonely, feeling unappreciated. Friend introduces girl to guy. Guy is fun, makes her laugh, is attentive and there. It’s unreasonable to expect girl to walk away from the guy she is having fun with. Makes sense till the fun guy finds fun elsewhere. Maybe that won’t be the case. Maybe he will be the best thing that ever happened to her. Maybe, he appreciates her. Who knows. My brain functions in over drive. What happens if guy turns out to be a shitbag and broken-hearted girl needs a shoulder to cry on. I know the answer to that too. I hold her close and let her cry and try to comfort. Not sure we can ever be again and I think that’s why it hurts so bad. I thought I much stronger than this. Turns out, I’m a big pussy.
Are you about done with those work meetings? Not gonna miss them, I bet. 
Massage isn’t about your back… it’s being touched, relaxing and working on the muscles, releasing endorphins, similar to exercise. Worth a try? You must have expert massage therapists close by. Pamper yourself. 
Try not to linger in “what if” land. That way, there be dragons! Deal with today, plan based on what you know, what you’d like, so you’re ready. Gosh… you have feelings. Sometimes they make you feel so good! And other times… ugh. It’s a roller coaster. But you are alive, healthy, with choices, moving toward better days! Make her feel like a priority, give her a real choice.
You’ve balanced an incredible load of the military, the family… without much help. But things are changing. You can be different. Show her. Stay in touch. Spend some money on her. Make a plan to see her. This is the rest of your life…. worth the effort? 
Hugs, kid. Pussies are good things… I adore cats! 😉
12:42pm Phil
She won’t see me or communicate with me. Tears her apart. She needs me to be out of mind. If I push too hard she will unfriend me. Has done it before and I don’t want that. Then I have nothing.
I’m sorry. but I think if the talk is on a new level, it could be different. But I don’t know her. I just know you, and how I would react. Use your wall, then. Put up things for her?
1:47pm Phil
I do that as does she. Problem has always been that my wife fights dirty. She forces photos of the two of us and then makes sure she posts them and tags me. I used to not let anyone tag me but that got to be such a constant fight. She has always suspected The Beach Gal was still very much in the picture and it was her way of saying Fuck You. It ate The Beach Gal up every time. This love shit is tough. Much easier to live with someone you tolerate.
1:48pm Phil
The photo today is for her. She will know and she will giggle. I love that little giggle.
Very good! You’ve got it! Ah… your wife’s tricks. I noticed that. They used to be knives in my heart and then I…transcended. Now they look pathetic. And I like them – they give me a chance to see your smiling face! I think…wow… she doesn’t know how she’s helping me! …I also notice how you aren’t touching her or looking at her. hee hee hee. I’m so bad.
3:00pm Phil 
How is it you saw that and The Beach Gal could not pick up on that? I never touch her, never look at her on purpose. My way of sending a message. 
She just said hi! Wonder what this is about?  Probably getting ready to unfriend me or something. The way the day is going. Be a perfect end to a suck ass day
You heard from her! Yay! No jumping to bad conclusions! *fwap!*
3:03pm Phil
She saw the photo
3:08pm Phil
Made my day! First time I have really smiled.
It is amazing how a few little words from the one you love can turn the day around.
3:10pm Phil
Oh my God, crying tears of pure joy. What has happened to me?
3:22pm Phil
Lord, think I got it bad
3:58pm Phil
Where did you go you amazing sweet thing 
Are you typing in the right window? 😉
4:00pm Phil
I was talking to you. 🙂
You have been my life preserver. Literally talked me off the ledge
Glad to help.  Can’t have you going off the deep end!
4:09pm Phil
LOL! Pretty intuitive you are
I’m never surprised at what you pick up on.
Sent a little bracelet as you suggested. Arty thing.
[he attached a URL with a photo of it]
Oh! That was very special looking. Excellent.
4:36pm Phil 
It’s her favorite painting.
Not sure where we are going but hope is a powerful drug.
Yes indeed.
4:38pm Phil
How’s your foot babe? Getting any better? I worry about you.
It seems a little better today. New PT person is rough, hurts like hell, but it gets better after.
4:43pm Phil
That’s a good thing. PT is a bitch but it works. I’m going to go have a beer and relax. Christmas party tonight. I think I’m going to have a good time. Andy Williams singing Lonely Street again and I’m smiling enjoying his sweet voice
Sounds like a great plan! I’m outta here. Only two weeks until vacation! Hope I can keep from strangling my boss… So glad you are feeling better. Rock it, kid!
4:55pm Phil 
Love you Sass. Enjoy the evening! 
[photo of him in a suit and tie]
9:24pm Phil
Thank you
11:42pm Phil
Hope your evening was good 
Quiet. Did you party hearty?
Had an amazing eggplant parm…
11:45pm Phil
Was a fun evening. I don’t party that much. Has to be the right people and none of them were there. Love eggplant parm! Yum. Think I will sleep peacefully tonight
Oh good! Sleep is the best thing.
Except for… never mind.
11:46pm Phil
LOL! I agree!
Such a crappy day turned out to be special. Life is a funny thing
Why special?  
11:48pm Phil
Chatted all night. 
Ah… nice.
11:49pm Phil
Still no idea what that means but I got a “night babe” with a big heart
I’ll take it
11:50pm Phil
That’s a good thing, right?
Sounds very sweet.
Long way from f-u earlier in the week!
11:52pm Phil
A little angel told me to keep communicating, little things.
Does she notice that you’re different?
11:55pm Phil
I think so
She needs attention and I have been giving it to her.  Simple things. Slow and easy.
Not over whelming her.
Very good.
Sleep well, sweet man.
Off to help a co-worker. They’re car was stolen!

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