The Suck Fairy

February 3, 2017 Friday

The Suck Fairy.  Fascinating concept!  Click over to to read this short blog post about her.

I can see it applying to books, movies, restaurants and ex-lovers!  You loved them and then you look again and…

“The Suck Fairy comes in when you come back to a book that you liked when you read it before, and on re-reading—well, it sucks. You can say that you have changed, you can hit your forehead dramatically and ask yourself how you could possibly have missed the suckiness the first time—or you can say that the Suck Fairy has been through while the book was sitting on the shelf and inserted the suck. The longer the book has been on the shelf unread, the more time she’s had to get into it. The advantage of this is exactly the same as the advantage of thinking of one’s once-beloved ex as having been eaten by a zombie, who is now shambling around using the name and body of the former person. It lets one keep one’s original love clear of the later betrayals.”

Thus Spoke Zarathustra or Ryan’s Rules of AM

Thus Spoke Zarathustra
Dear Readers,

I have a special treat for you!  As you may have read, I have been puzzling my way through the wilds of Ashley Madison, that amazing and terrible online dating site for “married but looking” folks who want to find that special someone who is also “married but looking.”  I may come up with my own rules after I’ve had more adventures, but for now, The Wizard of Blogs, the talented and sexy Ryan Beaumont of “The Ashley Madison Adventures of a Regular Guy Gone Bad has given me his sage advice and allowed me to post his rules so they can help you too!  He also included his trademark detailed philosophical analysis with an incredible synthesis and symbiosis with one of the greatest musical compositions of our time! Like many great rules of our time, I do not understand them.  But I break them anyway!  I hope you will do the same!  

or the Rules of Ashley Madison
by R. Beaumont

1.  You don’t talk about Ashley Madison to your spouse (you blog about it)

2.  You don’t talk about Ashley Madison to your spouse (you blog about it)

3.  If someone says “stop” or quits writing after 2 messages the hook up is over; no regrets, no more wasted credits.

4.  Only two people to a message (be original to the next lady)

5.  As many AM partners as possible until all fantasies are found or the best partner arises.

6.  No shirts, no shoes, no underwear, no regrets!

7.  Affairs and the resulting sex will go on as long as they need to.

8.  If this is your first time on AM, you have to respond (at least once).

The other day I was busy not working as I am often want to do.  I began chatting with Sassy and she told me of her upcoming series of Ashley Madison experiential posts.  That got us to thinking about Ashley Madison.  Soon I realized that Ashley Madison needs rules thus formalizing it and making it a true institution worthy of all this blogging.  Of course once I realized AM needed rules I realized that perhaps it already had rules that just needed to be illuminated.  Well really I just thought maybe somebody had already done the work for me and I could just cut and paste.  I thought about movies and songs I had heard and seen and realized that “Fight Club,” that brilliant 1999 Cult Classic, had rules thus already providing the perfect form for this manifesto.  This was perfect, I could just rip that off, why make Nihilism hard you know!

I did my usual “wiki research” on Fight Club and realized it was in fact the perfect metaphor for Ashley Madison.  The themes it uses include “Rebel without a Cause” and Nietzschean pedagogy.  In a world diluted by the “despair and paralysis people feel from a value system grown out of advertising,” Ashley Madison is the perfect surrender and thus synthesis of that market driven pursuit while simultaneously rising above and defeating the “eternal recurrence of the same.”  Ashley Madison provides that Nihilistic pursuit of “life affirmation.”  Life’s pursuits on Ashley Madison are a trek towards questioning the “doctrines that drain one’s expansive energies.”  I know, I know “you really are full of it today Beaumont;” I hear you thinking!

But let’s really break down all the Nihilistic Existentialism and where it leads.  You see a little Nietzsche can be a dangerous thing, just like AM, left in the wrong hands.  We need rules to make it right.  I know rules and Nietzsche don’t mix but perhaps a thought by Jean Paul Sartre can pull this together for us.  Sure Sartre felt man had no inherent value but you have to read on.  Btw, it’s the fact that someone has treated someone else with no apparent value that leads us to Ashley Madison in the first place, right!?

See Sartre felt that existence precedes essence.  While it may be true that one’s essence is more immutable than one’s existence, one’s existence in pursuit of consciousness ultimately creates value and the underlying meaning of life.  It is that pursuit of consciousness that creates essence and formation of essence is what makes life worth living.

Although now as I’m thinking about this from the female perspective I’m thinking what do these Euro dudes know about women?  Well if you don’t want to take the word of some French or German guy that looks like he never had sex with anything other than his left hand, let’s look to Simone de Beauvoir (not a cousin of mine) who said “one is not born a woman, she becomes one.”  I would take that a step forward and say too often women realize that they do not transform into “womanhood” via marriage.  Too often they look up in their 30’s or 40’s and say “who am I and how did I get here?  Did I choose this path or was it chosen for me?  And if I’m on this path can I get off?”  Again, the pursuit of consciousness and the underlying achievement of essence forms the meaning of our humanity (or for Simone “womanhood”).But let’s get back to fight club.  Why should all the philosophical gobledygook mean that the Rules of Fight Club should be segued into a Rules of Ashley Madison.  Let’s see if the two paths indeed cross!
Two early quotes in Fight Club lead to it’s basic theme “losing all hope is freedom” and “when you have lost everything you are free to do anything.”  And there you go, it’s often that we log onto AM at the point we lose all hope and we just might find freedom.  Perhaps you are not on AM because you lost all hope but in the words of Tyler Durden “never be complete, evolve!”
What you realize quickly on AM, much like Fight Club, is that “who you (are on AM) is not who you (are) in the real world.”  It is true that once an affair starts or even ends nothing is really solved but nothing is wholly wasted either.  I will paraphrase a Tyler quote which I believe sums it all up:  you are looking for a way to change your path in life and you need a roadmap or at least some directional signage.  That could be AM.  On AM you can look the way you want to look, fuck the way you want to fuck.  You will find that in someone’s eyes you are sexy, smart, and capable and perhaps most importantly are free to be the person you want to be.   So as Ed Norton’s character in the movie is so fond of “single serving friends,” you might just try out a “single serving” affair partner and see where that leads.  It may be that doorway or first step toward essence.
We make choices in life but they are part of an evolution.  So while I never would say ignore your commitments to the one’s who matter in your life, I would say get busy evolving!  And follow those damn rules!

Wow, that was a lot of thoughtifying bull *hit.  You know now that I think about it I could have just ripped off a quote from that other Nihilistic Cult Classic Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure and saved us all the last five minutes of our life.  I think I’ll do that now!

Of course a better way to get from that “tabula rasa” to “vini vidi vici” moment is through blogging!

“O man, take care!
What does the deep midnight declare?
“I was asleep—
From a deep dream I woke and swear:—
The world is deep,
Deeper than day had been aware.
Deep is its woe—
Joy—deeper yet than agony:
Woe implores: Go!
But all joy wants eternity—
Wants deep, wants deep eternity.”
from Thus Spoke Zarathustra

Also Sprach Zarathustra, Op. 30 – Strauss

Guest: Losing My Virginity

I have something very special for you today dear readers!  I was kvetching to a blogger buddy about an AM guy who answers my questions very tersely. I asked him when he lost his virginity and he answered, “I was 16.”  Argh! I want a storyteller! Come on… tell me about it!

The blogger responded, and is very kind to let me share his answer with you.  If you want to share your stories, I adore hearing them!  Please comment here to let him know how fun this story was to read, and ladies…. if you want his email don’t hesitate to ask!  😉 

  TO: Same Sassy Girl
  FROM: Blogger Buddy
  SUBJECT: That’s me in the corner … that’s me in the spotlight….
Losing my virginity….
OK, not really sure if you got where I’m headed with this, but the subject line lyrics are a play on that 80s REM song Losing My Religion. Losing my virginity — get it??? THAT’S where I’m headed with this email!!
So I interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to give you that story, since you triggered my memory by mentioning it …  OK, here goes:
I was 20…..
WAIT!!! There’s more!!!! 🙂
Anyhow, one cold January day at age 20, myself and five friends decided to take a leave of absence from college and move to sunny Nevada for a semester.  We were just sick of school, sick of the cold weather, sick of everything!! So we agreed the Monday after the Super Bowl we were moving.  The housing business was booming down there in 1980 and good paying jobs were plentiful. So move we did.
So we got jobs almost immediately, found an apartment, and we were having a great time. We liked to hit the bars a lot down there like we did at home, but one thing we couldn’t get used to was the fact the bars closed at 2am, not 4am like they did in our state.  This REALLY irritated us!! But one thing we noticed about Nevada, there seemed to be a massage parlor on every corner, and they all appeared to be open 24 hours!! (You see where THIS is going!!!).  And rumor had it, they offered free beer to anyone that stopped in to browse!! So one night we were all drunk enough to do it, so we stopped in, had a seat in the lobby, and sure enough the hostess pointed out a refrigerator in the corner stocked with beer and told us to help ourselves.   We were like kids in a candy store. Free beer!! Are you kidding me????  So we did this a number of nights, and each time we’d browse the massage parlor “Menu”, but each time deciding against paying any money for their services. And there were enough massage parlors that we could visit a different one every night and not get a reputation for only being there for the beer!!
But one night that changed … It was around 3am and I’m sitting there with my pals.  And as we’re browsing the menu laughing at all the options, one looked at me and said “I will if you will.”  And I replied “I’m in!!!” And the others weren’t too far behind.  So we all got in the “queue” and one by one, each of us was escorted to one of those mysterious “back rooms” we heard so much about.  And finally when it was my turn, an elderly Chinese lady (she must have been 30!!!) came out to take me back there.  I still remember her name – “Kimmy”.  So Kimmy takes me to one of the back rooms and all I can remember was there was a water bed, mirrors and not much light.

So she had me lay down on the bed and asked “What would you like?”  And I had no idea how to respond!!! So I reached in my wallet, grabbed two $20 bills, handed it to her and said “Whatever I can get with this!”  So she had me take off all my clothes and lay naked on the bed, then she dropped her silk robe revealing an awesome little body underneath.  I can still see those tiny little Chinese tits….  So she lays down next to me and tells me to do whatever I want, so what do I do??? I dive into her pussy face-first!! Ever since I was a kid I was consumed with eating pussy!!! Looking at my Dad’s Playboy magazines as a youth I would fantasize about little else other than getting my lips and tongue on one of those beautiful mounds someday and just munching away.  And that’s exactly what I did!! I thought I died and went to heaven, and I’m sure this wasn’t exactly what Kimmy expected!  Now as I remember it, it seemed like I was down there forever, but I’m sure in real time it was about 2 minutes.  So after I had my fill, I popped my head up and said “Now suck my dick!”  And she had this panicked look on her face that I didn’t quite understand, but she did reluctantly start bobbing her head and that tiny mouth up and down on my cock.  20 years old and it was the first time my cock was ever in a woman’s mouth.  It felt fantastic!!!!  
So after a few minutes of that silky, savory cocksucking I finally said to Kimmy “Get on top and ride me”.  One thing about those girls, they do as they’re told!!! So anyway, she climbed aboard and started riding me and to this day I’ll never forget those glorious words she was moaning as she fucked me “You got BIG penis!!!”  (You need to read that using your best Chinese accent).  And she kept saying it over and over “You got BIG penis!!!”  Now I’m sure she said that to all the guys, but when you’re 20 years old and you’re getting laid the first time, I felt as studly as it gets!  So she’s pumping away and I’m feeling her ass and sucking her tits and having a grand old time, but after some time of this I thought to myself “OK, what’s the end game here??”  Honestly Sassy, I kid you not — I had no idea I was supposed to have a an orgasm until finally Kimmy starts asking me “You cum yet?  When you gonna cum?”  And then it hit me “Ahhhhhhhhhh, THAT’S what this is all about!!!!!!!!!!!” And explode I did — the first time I ever pumped a load of my hot white deep inside one of those wet, juicy pussies.
And I’ve been lovin’ it ever since….
Enjoy your morning, Sassy!!!!!!!!