Tuesday, December 4, 2012
7:51am Phil  
Good morning, another bad night, lay awake most of the night, still not hungry. 
I have come to the realization that I fucked this up. I let her slip away and I have no one to blame but me. I’m stuck in a marriage with my room mate and buddy. We have fun together. We get along, we share a home but we almost never touch. I have been searching for something my entire life. I guess I still am. I want that soul searing-connection,  that absolute need to touch, to be near another person. I had it and I let it slip away and now she is someone elses and I have only me to blame. I am heartbroken, sad, filled with sorrow and I don’t have a clue what to do, how to proceed, how to carry on. I just don’t know how to move on. I’ve never felt this, ever. I am sorry to dump my crap on you. 
How are you Sass? How is the foot doing? Sounds like project was fun last night. I hope the work issues get resolved. I know how badly it sucks to be in that environment. Hope your day in good.
Good morning! Dashing to work. Thank you for letting me know how you’re doing. It helps me feel useful! Foot hurts, job sucks, need a hug so bad and can’t get it, …but project helps! Another meeting  tonight!
8:23am Phil

I know how you feel about the hug. I get hugs from the dogs, not the same. I need to hold on to someone and cry till I have no more tears in me to cry. I need to get it all out. Keeping it inside is just bad. 

I hear you. The foot would drive me bananas. I am down 14 pounds since Thanksgiving. Physically feeling spunky again, very close to passing a low for me and that’s good. The reason for the loss sucks. Some how depriving myself makes it easier. No booze, no food, no sleep, really does make it easier
Hey, kid. Hobbling off to find lunch. Tell me you have done the same? You are scaring me with this deprivation! Take care of yourself… need your strength and best brain!
1:14pm Phil  
 Hey girlie! How’s ur day?
1:23pm Phil  
I had tiny sammich. Still not hungry. Not much interested in anything. trying to stay submersed in work, work out as much as I can. Staying far away from any alcohol. I don’t need anything to depress me more than I already am. I eat enough to survive. Nothing tastes good or looks good so I pick the most nutritious thing I see and eat enough to sustain. I drink water and coffee, not much taste to either of those so not an issue. I just don’t want anything. 
Got the Bigwigs Christmas party on Friday, Army/Navy game party on Saturday, party that evening and then another Bigwigs annual Christmas party on Sunday. Got to smile and shake hands and be social and gracious. I can make believe with the best of them. Spoke to 1400 co-workers yesterday and getting ready to do that again. Have to stand up there and laugh and joke too. I really just want to be alone with my thoughts for a week and cry till I can’t any more. 
Each day is better. Have to guard my attitude though. I’m on a “love is bullshit” slant at the moment. Got me no where. The people who are in relationships for convenience or finance are better off. No broken hearts there. I know someday I will look back and laugh at the memories because we made some great ones and I’ll be so glad for the time we did have. But fuck it hurts right now.
Hey, kid. Heading off to the project meeting! Hope it perks me up. Work nearly slay me today. Let’s see if I can make some other people happy! Mwah!
5:09pm Phil
 Have fun!
5:24pm Phil
Can you see a photo on my timeline I just posted?
5:50pm Phil
Cool, FB security works! Love your voicemail
Adore my sultry voice, eh?
6:00pm Phil
 Very sexy
Oops… You got my mischief voicemail…hmmm…I better change my settings! Don’t want you mixed in with my man harem! You’re special…betterrrrr.
7:53pm Phil
Ha ha ha, I love it! I was not sure I had the right number but then I was like damn!
8:03pm Gotta keep my secrets from the silly men. Fake name, fake number. Awww….you’ve heard my sexy voice… You know that girl. Like no one else.
First meeting done…on to second group!
Wait…what photo are you hiding? Are you being bad?
10:14pm Phil 
Ahhhhhhhh. Excellent. Keep working to make lives better. 
Not being bad, old pic, just messing with settings
Home now… such a great evening! You hanging in, kid?
10:21pm Phil 

Better. Still no appetite. Hope I sleep tonight.exhausted. I’m toasted.
Glad u had a good evening

 I can send you a few sheep to count if you like.
10:25pm Phil
Here you go.
10:29pm Phil   

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