Love is forever

Monday, December 3, 2012
Good morning girl.  No sleep last night.  I tried to reach out to The Beach Gal and I finally got a response.  Not quite the loving tone I hoped for.
Oh hell, I’m gonna say it. Fuck you for letting me slip away. Your bad.
You should have stepped up like a man and treated me like the lady I am
Now someone else is treating me like a lady
I did not sleep a wink.  I guess I knew but wow.  There were more delicate ways to put that but The Beach Gal has always been rather direct so I guess there I am.  Hope your day is better than mine.
She sent me all these pictures on Saturday with little kisses.  We chatted nicely and I was so filled with hope and then this.  I just don’t know how to react. No more tears, dried out, already been sick to my stomach, sitting here shaking.  If this is what a broken heart feels like, it sucks.  I’m just devastated, trying to figure out how to function.
Hiya kid.  Wow.  Harsh.  So sorry.  You take it minute by minute.  Focus on work,  compartmentalize as always.  Lean on me.  If you can, nap.  You may wish this will kill you but it doesn’t.  I’m praying for you.
8:29am Phil
There are no words to describe how I feel. Can’t focus, can’t think, just complete and utter sadness.  I just feel like all the joy and happiness has been sucked out of me. Thanks for being here.  I have no one to lean on here, no one to talk to.  Feel like I have nothing.  I had it bad. A friend told me sometimes love isn’t enough, I guess not. That harshness is why. I’ve seen it before and always pulled up and said, whoa.  I could have said the same thing in a loving manner.  Guess it’s never easy and to the point may be best.  I certainly got the point :'( .
I know exactly how you feel.  It SUCzkz.  I am here – talk all you want.  Now stick out your tongue!
10:10am Phil
Just stood up and smiled and talked to a big room full of co-workers. So hard when I just want to disappear. I’ve never felt this way before. Never such emptiness. Been hurt before but nothing like this. Wished her love and happiness and said I’d cherish the memories. I hope this is not one of the ones that remains.
Yay!  That which does not kill you makes you stronger. Keep taking deep breaths.  Hug your dogs!
11:36am Phil
Dogs don’t help.  I have always been one of those people who said just get over it and move on.  I never understood how people got so impacted by a relationship.  It’s because I did not have someone who I physically, emotionally needed. I never had someone who was so much a part of me.  I guess that was rather one-sided now that I think about it. I feel like a part of me has been removed and I’ll be without it forever and I’ll always feel the ache and think about how it was when I laughed so easily, took such joy in the simplest of things.  When a smile could light the entire day.  How do you get over that? 
I read some where that when you love someone, you love them forever.  You may fall out of love with them but if it was real, you will always love them.  I believe that.  If it was real, it’s forever, never goes away.  I think we as humans are capable of love many times.  I believe in soul mates and I believe we don’t always end up with our soul mate.  My outlook on relationships has changed though.  Not so easy to get over it, the pain just lingers and lingers and you keep asking why?  We talked about all of this, about the time it was going to take, and made plans and I thought we were well on our way and then all of this. 
I know why people stay in shitty yet safe relationships.  I could stay with my wife forever and we would be content. There would be no hugs, no lust, no sex, no romance, no sympathy, no shoulder to cry on, no calming words to sooth the pain, no foot rubs, back rubs, no tender nights.  You go to work, come home, fix something to eat, sit on the couch and watch TV with little to no conversation and no physical contact, fall asleep, get up start over.  You go to dinner with friends, do stuff with the kids, go on a cruise, take a vacation, go to the mall. The physical part, the need to touch, to catch an eye across the room, the flip of the head, the unspoken messaging. I never had it and I miss it so much and I’m so afraid I’ll never have it again.  I think my wife loves me, in her way.  I also think I am safe and comfortable for her and I am her security blanket.  I make great money, have good benefits and I work very long hours so she does not have to deal with me much. I think she would like a more physical relationship but I don’t think she feels it either.  Just sucks!
You may not get over this, but you will get through it.  I googled for broken heart advice and you’re already doing many things right – exercise, talking it out, getting on with your work.
Wanna buy a bar?
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Okay… a pub?
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Motorcyle rental and repair?  I know it’s silly.. but you need something new to think about.
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1:52pm Phil
No I don’t think I will get over it. Gave myself completely, all shields down.  No defenses up. I’ll never do that again, hurts too bad. I’ll always maintain my defenses and I don’t think I’ll ever let anyone in again. I’m too old to be crushed like this. I did not deserve this. You can’t help who you fall in love with.
2:07pm Phil
Good Lord. Sobbing, gut wrenching sobs. This is unreal. I need to get a grip. I suspect it will take some time to get back to some semblance of normal. I was so excited Saturday. Thought I’d been wrong, thought there was hope and then this. I can’t process this. Can’t get a grip on my emotions.
Hugs.  Get up.  Move. Drink water.
3:06pm Phil
A little better. Needed the cry. Tired, wrung out. Feel like I should be angry but I’ve never been angry. Just not me. Just sad and hurt but I’ll live. A few scars but I’ll get my smile back. My heart will mend and I’ll forgive.
Phew.  Been worrying.  Meeting now with boss.  My weekly check-in since I am such a “bad worker.”  *sigh
3:33pm Phil
Ahhhh, that sucks.  There is nothing I can do about The Beach Gal.  She made a choice and it was not me.  That’s life.  I’ll love her always and that’s ok too.  Everything reminds me of her and right now that’s very hard.  The fuck you from her, really hit hard.  There was no reason for that and I did not deserve it. Thousand different ways to say that other than the way she did and I still don’t know why all the venom.
Off to PT for the stupid foot, then on to a project meeting.  Whee!  But I will be thinking of you.
4:43pm Phil
Working out. It helps. Gotta slow down. Going like a crazy man.
Good luck at PT
5:10pm Phil
That helped. Lifted my spirits for a bit.  Darkness creeping in again. Nights and quiet times are going to be so tough
Hiya kid.  PT hurt, foot hurts.  Whine!  Hot ham & cheese croissant for supper… Yum!  Great meeting tonight.  Sis made me get up and talk!  Brat!  Home now.  Hoping you are asleep and dreaming of lobster.  Mwahhaha..
10:46pm Phil
Glad it went well. Still awake.
Just no appetite and not tired. Trying to make sense of everything.
Can’t eat, can’t sleep, don’t want to
Sorry to hear that.  Make sure to rest and drink water anyway.  It is not going to make sense, sweet man.  It is what it is.
10:56pm Phil
Yeah it is. I know that. I just don’t get any of it

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