A 14 year old’s diary

Time traveling thoughts
Between Phil and You
September 13 at 7:47pm
Will she hit send?
I decided that if you could confess to thinking of me for 37 years, I could let you see a little of what I was thinking when I was a teenager. Thought the 11/17/73 one is a little too prophetic…and the 2/18/74 one a bit too risque! But I am trusting you.
Sorry to send so much. Believe it or not, this is only a fraction of it. I picked ones that represent the rest, and established the timeline.
Remember not to
1) take it too hard when I curse you, and
2) get confused about what she says, and us now.
That girl loved you. A lot. For a long time. Years. Then she hated you. And then she realized she’d always love you. Knew if you ever came back, she’d give you whatever you wanted. Then she forgot. Freaky.
The main thing that hit me as I typed all this was “How did I manage to hide all this from him and be his friend?” and once again, “how did I forget all this?”
I need a hug.
I know…shut up and send it.

Selected “emotions”
Between Phil and You
September 13 at 7:48pm
September 18, 1973
Philip makes me happy! He’s not that nice, but to me, he’s great. I seem to survive between times, motivated by the thought “He’ll be there.” He keeps me going. He makes me happy.
October 11, 1973 [day after the retreat]
Today was the test. I had a great time at the retreat, but I wasn’t sure. Now I know the words are, “I love you!” I hope + pray it’s mutual.
November 13, 1973
Ever since October 18, the last time Philip touched me, I’ve been in a permanent depression. Good things come and go but nothing seems to be good enough to pull me up once and for all.
November 17, 1973
Our play “Up the Down Staircase,” was tremendous! For one beautiful moment at the cast party, I had Philip’s head on my lap, just like old times. I realize now that I am only kidding myself when I say I hate him. I will always love him, no matter what he does to make me hate him, no matter how many other friendships I find in between. I will always have that warm feeling of real love when I think of him. I don’t care for the thought, but I must face what is. I have the feeling that even if I were married someday (heaven forbid) I would give him my love if he came and asked for it.
It’s terrible to think someone egotistical, self-centered cute charming bastard has that kind of control over you. It’s hard to really love someone who is like that, can’t really love you back, whose in love with someone else the way you are with them. I’ve had [another suitor] since him, but when [he] left, I really didn’t care. I thought of Philip. I have fun with [name redacted] or [name redacted] or [name redacted] or [name redacted], but it’s just not the same. Perhaps I’ll never really get over this, never fall in love again. I’m crushed, and right now I just have to face it and live with it. Dreams will keep me alive.
December 9, 1973
Today Philip took back his cross necklace. I cried. It was bad.
January 14, 1974
Today was a very good day. Philip was in a good mood, my team won the Super Bowl and I had my own time to do everything. Nothing went terribly wrong.
February 6, 1974
I went to the high school tonight. Philip was there. Oh, how he makes me happy. No one puts that “certain look” on my face the way he does. If I had one wish, I would wish that the happiness his friendliness brings to me would last. I wish he would always be my friend. It is good now, and I can only enjoy it while it does last. If this is a dream, I hope I never wake up.
February 7, 1974
We didn’t have school today. I saw a tender scene on TV. It suddenly brought to the surface all the flashbacks, dreams and wishes that I’ve been desperately trying to bury to avoid going crazy. I go into fits, shaking, crying etc. He really gets to me. I love him, I need him. I want him. I used to think that if you wished for something hard enough and long enough, it would come true. I’ve gone through months of wishing for him every minute of every day. I have a few moments now and then to be thankful for, but I hope it will get better. I want him so much. It’s hard to love someone so much.
February 17, 1974
Today I teamed up with Philip and two guys from church. We went roller skating. We get along so well together. I enjoy being “one of the guys.” Philip was in a good mood. I can read him like a book. We went to McDonald’s, we messed around, we had so much fun! Suggestions came for going again next Sunday. I hope so. We have such fun together. I wish tonight could have gone on forever. It was so perfect. I need the kind of magic we had tonight. It’s so wonderful. Nights like tonight make life worth living again. It’s great!
February 18, 1974
It’s times like this that I think I might actually have him. How wonderful that would be! If I could wish for one thing, it would be for his love. It does come once in a while and that is enough for me. It’s better than none at all. I have an inch. A mile is too glorious to even dream about. (Maybe I could have 8 inches?)
April 14, 1974 EASTER
Philip was in a good mood today. It made me feel good. I still love him, even though I am mixed up with other guys who love me a great deal. I’ll never stop loving him.
April 23, 1974 Wednesday
What a day! Tonight, it was like being back last fall. I was with the quartet, I was having fun with them, messing around like all those heavenly time back then. Even Philip was romantic and VERY friendly. I was estatic! I got all their songs on tape. I was in heaven. I feel a kind of love for [name redacted] but it is nothing, no where near the great love I feel for Philip. I love him so much.
September 19, 1974 (one year later)
Philip has been so great to me lately. I keep thinking about the fact that its been a year now. Today, he came up behind me at my locker, put his arms around me and blew in my ear. It nearly scared me to death. I was really shaking. It’s been a year since I was so in love with him. I’ve grown a lot and been through a lot since then. I guess I will always enjoy having Philip as my friend. I think there will always be a place for him in my heart. It’s funny, I can read him like a book. I almost always know what is coming. But lately, he’s been so sweet, I wonder what is going on.
December 24, 1974 Tuesday
I had my thrill for the year. Philip kissed me Merry Christmas.
December 28, 1975
Philip leaves for the military this week. I thought it wouldn’t matter, but somehow I just hate to see him leave. After about the third occasion I had to tell him good-bye, I was at the end of a line of men, who had all shaken his hand, so I of course did also, as I had done the other 2 times. This time, he grabbed me and kissed me. I was surprised.

The cross  

Between Phil and You

September 13 at 9:29pm
So…quick question. Is the cross you gave me (and then took back) the same one  that you wear now?
Phil September 13 at 9:47pm
No, that one was silver. I would not do that now. Lost that cross overseas
September 13 at 9:50pm
Phew.  Not sure why, but that’s a relief. What wouldn’t you do now? 
September 13 at 9:52pm
I have an odd memory of wearing that cross and nothing else above the waist… and the look of wonder and um..lust..on your face. The mind is a mysterious thing.
Phil September 13 at 10:38pm
Lust, wonder, desire. I want you now, more than I wanted you then.  Different person.  I would never take it back.  I am most definitely a different man than that boy

September 13 at 10:45pm

I guess on this point, that’s good. But that boy was someone very special. And I’m sure you still are!
So you still want me, huh? Time travel didn’t dissuade you?
Phil September 13 at 11:05pm
Nope, not a bit. Made it worse
September 13 at 11:13pm
It was the “8 inches” comment that did it, right?
Phil September 13 at 11:20pm
To bed for me. Gotta drive in the morning. Good nite babe, sleep well and pleasant dreams.
September 13 at 11:24pm
Sleep well, sweet man. Safe travels.

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