A Land Mine

A land mine

Between Phil and You
August 27 at 12:58am
Thanks for all your messages tonight…so amazing to have something so special waiting for me to read before bed. My mind is boggling about how great your imagination is…how wonderful you are sharing it…and how frickin hot it makes me! Rawrrrrr….
This is what I call a “land mine.” You step on it without knowing, and it just happens to be a convoluted mess.
The whole debate about what happens or doesn’t after dinner is not about you, but me. I’m airing both sides of what is going on my head. So you know. I am not worried about you forcing me into anything. Your sentence about wanting me to feel sexy and alive was so incredibly sweet.  You are…you do.
I am getting ahead of myself…caught up in the “what ifs” of our first dinner.
– what if it’s wonderful? Great! And then I never see him again and I ache…feel more empty than ever before.
-What if it’s awful? And we’ve ruined a marvelous past and current flirtation? That would suck. But then it could more easily be let go of…tried that, didn’t work, happy to have tried etc. move along…sadder but wiser.
– what if it’s wonderful and we want to see each other again? Do we sneak off to see other now and then, and keep flirting online and…
and what happens if I decide I want to be with you forever…and can’t.
The bottom line is…what do I want? 
What do you want? 
How do I tell what I want? 
How can I resist such a marvelous offer? 
How can I go through with it? 

It is so amazing to be wanted…I had literally given up on the idea of ever having sex again. The ground I built my life on is shaking…and I don’t know whether to hang onto the edge and stay safe, or let go and fall through into the abyss…that might be even better.
I know you don’t know the answers, and we shouldn’t try to figure things out before we know more…and I am certainly not asking for any promises. Geeze…you only friended me a week ago! And of course, it’s complicated by my life that you are only learning little bits about…and I don’t want to ruin a perfectly good thing with reality. I just want you to know why it’s complicated.
And maybe get some hints as to what you are thinking…if you have any clue…what might happen after dinner…after dessert. After breakfast…but if just listening and patting me gently on the head and saying “We’ll see…cross that bridge when we get there…” makes the most sense to you…you are most likely right.
It also likely comes from my wider experiences with men- the fact that I had five online relationships when I first got online in 1993-94. I met four of them. I was lucky…all four guys were exactly who they said they were. They hadn’t pumped up their resume, so to speak, or lied at all. Two of them were really nice guys, just not the guy for me. None of the online spark carried over into real life. Sparks flew with the other two. Had a lovely weekend with one…then never heard from him again. Had a lovely weekend with the other one…and married him. So I have seen the gamut of
– Never met
– met, no chemistry
– chemistry, then dumped
– chemistry, marriage.
Of course, my life is much more complicated now. I’m just trying to figure out which category we’ll end up in, or whether there is something new altogether I haven’t seen.
There is another part of my past that might be where we end up. Have you seen the movie, “Same Time, Next Year” with Alan Alda? It’s about a couple that meet at a hotel once a year, shows 4 or 5 of their interactions over the course of about 40 years. I had a friend like that…someone I saw once a year for six years. We met at an annual convention and got to talking. It was ridiculous…we were completely different in every way. He was 47 and I was 22. He was a die-hard conservative, and I was a rabid liberal. He was married. We had to agree to disagree on just about every topic we discussed. But it was fun to get insights into someone so opposite. The next year he admitted that he was smitten with me. I let things progress, but the sex was awful for me…but I could tell it meant the world to him. So we kept meeting until his reason to be at the annual conventions stopped. I met him one time after that, went to visit him when his wife was away. And he said he had to stop, because all he could think about was me, and he couldn’t live that way. I told him to call me when he needed to hear my voice, and he said that wouldn’t work because he’d be calling me every day. I understood. It was a relief for me. Probably would not have been true if the sex had been any good. I get an annual Christmas card so I know he is still alive…
And this doesn’t even touch on all the issues inside my marriage…which is good in a lot of ways but obviously out of whack. Definitely best left for later.
Wow…that got way too long. Didn’t mean to dump all this on you. Not sure I should send it…but I think you can deal with it.
I don’t need to know now…just know that I am thinking about it. Trying to explain. And it is mostly not about you. And I will try not to let it interfere with the delightful, delicious, delovely dinner ideas…
I will go to bed now…think about buying a skirt to wear…and maybe some sexy underthings that you can rip.

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