Reading the letter

Sunday, June 29, 2014
I woke up about 8 am and went out to greet Kris.  He was re-potting a plant on my balcony!  
I thought he had to leave at about 8 am to get to church but he decided it was better not to go.  He did want to get home to find out what was in his mailbox.  I was amazed he had held off so far. 
I made breakfast – ham and eggs over-easy on cheese toast with half an English muffin with raspberry jam and grapes and OJ.  We ate and planned the day.  
We decided we’d go up to NH – he’d drop me at a Panera and go to his house to get the letter, then we’d go up to Lake Winnipesaukee for dinner.  He questioned whether I wanted to go… said he might not be any fun, couldn’t stop from talking out whatever was in the letter.  I considered it carefully, but it’s not often I get a front row seat to such crucial moments in a man’s life, and I didn’t want him to be alone on such a tough day. 
I showered and dressed, grabbed my hat and we left around 12:45 pm. He dropped me at the Panera. They have good food and free wifi.  I ate lemon chicken orzo soup and half a ham & cheese sandwich washed down with an iced green tea.  I thought he’d be gone about 30 minutes but it got to be much longer.  At the hour point when I began to think something really bad had happened, he texted saying he’d be there soon.  
A chat pal texted me and helped me pass the time.  It’s so wonderful to have a bunch of folks I can call on to distract me. 
Kris popped in to the restaurant and told me the letter was 4 pages hand-written and angry.  He said she was moving far away for the summer, filing for a legal separation and wanted no contact with him.  He said he had a lot of hard thinking to do, but he didn’t want to start now.  He wanted to go out for dinner, if I could deal with him talking too much about it.  We both didn’t want to waste a beautiful summer evening, so we headed north to Lake Winnipesaukee.  
He said he had only skimmed the letter, and wondered if I would read it aloud to him as he drove.  I asked him if he really wanted me to see it.  He asked if I wanted to.  I said I did, and if I’m going to help, I should know what was said.  He also pointed out it would reassure me that this is all about him – there is no mention of me.  I read it out.  I was surprised she is going so far away physically and legally without ever talking to him.  And that she’s so angry about the motorcycle rather than his affair.  And that she quit her job over this.  And tossing away all the good years with this one episode. And throwing religion in his face. And saying odd things like “Half of everything is mine.  Do not destroy my stuff.”  WTF?  But it is good to know where she stands.  It hit him hard.  
I texted my chat pal back with a brief summary of the letter, thanked him again for hanging with me.  And I told Philip.  They were very kind to listen to me through all this.  
He took me to my favorite lakeside restaurant – the Town Docks in Meredith.  We found parking three cars from the restaurant – quite a feat at the height of the summer season.  We walked right in and got a table in the shade on the second floor about 5 pm. I had their deliciously thick clam chowder, a bite of his caesar salad, then we shared the fried fisherman’s platter with calamari, scallops, clams and fish with fries.  It was much better than Woodman’s!  We looked at the lake and the people around us, listened to live music from the beach bar, and he mostly stayed in the moment.  
He talked about three options:
  1. take her at her word, separate and divorce and start a new life.  That will be expensive and painful.  
  2. buckle down to do all the right things to win her back: cut his hair, sell the motorcycle, do lots of church work, cut off contact with me, hang out with friends and family who will report back to her that he is doing good works.  He wonders if any of that will change her mind, or is worth the effort.
  3. look like he’s buckling down but learn better ways to hide his activities and carry on.  He doesn’t know if he can lead that double life. 
He talked about having his fun for the summer and then being good.  Heh.  That doesn’t seem viable.
Each option has pros and cons, and is hard in different ways.  I pointed out how special it is that he gets to choose.  He argued with me a bit, said everyone can makes choices.  I said that many men don’t feel that way, and never reach a moment where they’re required or allowed to do it.  He is very torn, as so many men are, about doing what makes him feel alive and young, such as the motorcycle and seeing me, or doing what is best for his wife and family.  He doesn’t know who he is anymore, or who he wants to be.  He feels like two people in one body.  I certainly know what that feels like!  
I’m very glad he doesn’t ask me what he should do.  I don’t know what to tell him.  
We finished dinner about 6 pm.  I paid this time.  We strolled off down the boardwalk.  We took a seat on a stone bench near the boat launch and watched the parade of boats in and out of the lake.  We saw a car boat with the license plate H20CAR.  Hee!  It was such a treat to just sit and people watch and boat watch and relax.  I realized how rare a thing that is for me!  
Philip called!  Kris went to the bathroom while we talked.  He has been right where Kris is, when he left to live with Beach Gal for 6 months, and talked to many of the military men around him with marital troubles.  I was touched that he called and gave some advice and best wishes!  
We noticed the time about 8:30 pm and decided to head back to his house for some alone time.  I was leery to go back there, but he convinced me it was completely low risk now.  We could only stay there about an hour, so I took the risk.  I desperately want to hug him and use my physical skills to soothe him. 
So we got to his place about 9:45 pm.  The kitty talked to me!  She usually hides the entire time I’m there.  She must be really lonely.  
We settled in his bed and cuddled and talked.  He made me cum with his finger.  He was not able to get hard… completely understandable.  I made him stop trying at 11 pm and we were dressing when his phone rang.  He dashed downstairs and I could hear shouting.  Ugh.  I finished dressing, packed up my stuff and went downstairs.  
He was talking to his daughter..  I thought he was handling it well except for his volume.  I am so unused to people shouting at each other, but he said it’s what they all do.  He was getting across the basics very clearly:
  • He loves his wife
  • He wants to talk with her with their minister to begin the reconciliation process
  • He is sorry
  • He will tell her the truth.  He is NOT going to discuss it with his family before he talks to her. 
  • Divorce will not be a good option for either of them. 
I hope his daughter can get through to his wife. 
She wanted to go on about how this hurt her and he apologized, but said it is between him and his wife first and he needs to deal with that and then the family.  She was giving him a heaping of shame, so he pointed out that when she came to him unwed and pregnant he treated her with kindness and grace and love, and hoped for some of that from her now.  Wow.    
He did get her to confirm that his son hacked into his email.  It is not clear what he did with that info, as his wife didn’t mention it.  He explained the financial stresses he faces right now that have to be dealt with right away and are pressing him to make decisions fast. 
It got to be after midnight, so he finally hung up and took me home.  He vented about the conversation then was quiet for a long time.  I stroked his knee, trying to pour my strength into him.  He would pat my hand and say, “that feels good” now and then.  We sang along with songs on the radio.  He got a text from his wife asking if he paid the mortgage and the phone bill and whether he was ever going home.  He was puzzled, as she never concerns herself with their finances, and how would she know if he wasn’t home?  This was a little shocking as it could mean she was still around there or had people watching the house.  Where I just was.  Eep.  
We pulled up at my place at 1 am.  We talked about how to correspond now.  He doesn’t want to text or use his Yahoo email anymore.  We talked of a mischief phone.  I said I could research that for him.  He puzzled over whether he could use his work cellphone or landline or a new Yahoo email address and we decided that is a bad idea.  I suggested a gmail account, which has “no history” chat.  He said he would set one up.  I offered to help. 
I am conflicted about whether or not to keep corresponding.  He has to decide.  I don’t want him to be alone.  But if he needs to stop, he should tell me and go.  I don’t think I will be torn up, just sad and miss having someone.  And I hate to think of starting again.  I do think in retrospect Kris will turn out to be the best AM man I have been with or ever will be.  But I am oddly unemotional about it.  And I have told him not to worry about hurting me or factoring in my needs.  He is at a huge turning point in his life and I am not.
I worried about him driving home so late so I offered to let him sleep on the couch again.  He declined, said he was wired and needed to wake up at home and get going on his day right away.  I was so tired I could not think anymore, so I sent him on his way with a quick kiss at 1:15 am.

0 thoughts on “Reading the letter

  1. This is the tough part of Ashley Madison. It's all fun and games as long as you can keep life at arm's length.

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