7:33am Phil

No word, nothing.  Her best friend swears she is bi-polar – I read the symptoms and maybe.  She takes meds for depression.  I see the mood swings, the hyper sexuality, drinking counteracts the meds. That’s why when she drinks, she gets so moody and will go from fun and laughing to mean as a snake. I suspect I will not hear a word today which sucks. I know she is at work, know she gets up early, seems she could have said something, anything. I am just going to dive into work, try to shift my mind from this, shove it into the background.  I have to, can not function otherwise.  I hope your day is good!

7:54am Phil

Good morning. Trying to smile. 

[photo of his smiling face in his office]

8:22am

Good morning handsome!

I’m off to PT @ 10, then work.  Whee!  I am pulling for you!

8:37am Phil

She just told me that my guess was right.  She chose the other guy.  I knew it. I’m crushed but at least I was prepared.

8:38am

Hunh.

Hugs.

When this happened to me, I had to tell myself that God had some other plan for me.  That I had dodged a bullet somehow, even though the choice had seemed so perfect to me.

I’m so sorry, kid.

Showering now, BIAB

8:50am Phil

She is not in love with the guy. I just have to move on.  This is over.

11:10am Phil

Fuck this mopey shit. Not my style! Have a great day Sass! 

[photo of him in his bathroom in a t-shit and briefs]

11:12am

Hey you skinny thing!  

Survived PT, ouch ouch.  Back at the office, waiting to see how the boss can insult me today!

11:27am Phil

I am empty Sass.  I have never felt so completely defeated in my life.  Feels like the life has been sucked out of me.  She chose a guy she does not love, is not in love with, can’t be intimate with, is a drunk, feeds her shots so she will get stupid in the bar, compares her to his dead wife and she will never measure up. He is a homely nasty looking fuck who will hang onto anyone he can possibly get and she is so desperate for attention here and now that she can’t see it.  Nothing I can do about it. I just need to figure out what the fuck to do now.  I have thought for the past four years that we would end up on a beach together. Now I don’t even want to see a beach.

11:42am

I hear you. I could blather on about options but you should chill… let things settle for a few days… before you try to figure out next steps.

12:48pm Phil

Ah Sass. Just don’t know how to act, what to do. She meant everything to me. I guess you grieve and you make your way back. I could not have been to her what she is to me.  I am going to go hunt down her boy though and tell him he better be real or He will see me again. I give this a month and then what. I can’t sit here waiting but why not. I don’t have sex with my wife and it ain’t getting fixed.

1:39pm

No pestering the other guy.  Really.  It will only make him dig in or pester you back.  As you say, sadly it doesn’t seem fated to last.  But you need to decide what you’re doing, independent of her.  Make your life good and then if she eventually wants to fit into that, yay.  People tell me this all the time.  I don’t listen but maybe you will!

2:01pm Phil

I know, I know. This is not going to last. I know that and I think she does too. You are right. I don’t know what I am doing or want to do. For the most part, I just have a good time. I like to laugh, like to be active. Have to figure out post military and I have some ideas. I’ll always want her. Those feelings never die. I had been keeping a little journal of my feelings all week and where my thoughts were. I sent that to her, told her I love her and always will and wished her love and happiness. 

I cooked a big meal over lunch. Cooking soothes me. Working out soothes me. Need to get my mind engaged in other things. I need to write my resume, start looking at where I want to live. Gotta do something about the no sex thing. I like sex a lot but it was never great with my wife. We just never clicked in bed. The Beach Gal was very different. We were very different. Who knows what the future holds. Just have to relax and let it happen.

2:23pm

You sound way too rational. 

2:55pm Phil

I’m impulsive some times, rational other times. Only way I can go forward. I have been down this road before with The Beach Gal. I will hear nothing and all of a sudden shit will fall apart. Maybe this will be different but I don’t think so. This guy is there, he is giving her the attention she craves. As her best friend says, he is a creep. I know he is a bar fly, shot after shot, messing with other women. If he gets a better offer, he will be gone. Then and only then will she consider what she’s done. I am going to throw myself into enjoying my last months here, try to enjoy the holidays and let all this sit. What else can I do?  I have moped around for weeks. Time to laugh and have a little fun again.

3:06pm Phil

This is Mr Wonderful.  What do you think?  Would you take him over me?

[photo of a scowling bald man with a white beard]

3:39pm

No accounting for taste.  Wow…he looks…old.

3:40pm Phil

He is younger than me, impotent and a boozer

So, you would take me?

He is there and he is paying attention to her, buying beer.  All that matters apparently for now.

The guy is a friggin troll. Just saying

I don’t know what women like though. I may be the troll. Who knows. I never felt I was a good looking guy at all, even back in my day.  You, on the other hand, fucking hot!

3:54pm Phil

I’ll assume you would take me.  I need a confidence boost. Her best friend wants to slap her silly.  Told her the dude is gross and a creep. I am taking the high road and saying nothing. I’m not texting, messaging or anything else.  I need to leave it be

going to the gym to try to get my head straight.  It always helps at least a little.

4:24pm

Does it matter what I think?  I probably shouldn’t say… but… since you asked… you know all that stuff you write about how she makes you feel?  The good stuff – the powerful connection, the fun, the tingles, the feeling of belonging and sexual intensity, the love?  How you would hurt other people and give up a lot because being with her is all you need?  I could write that about you.  Even though in May when I figured out about her, I felt like you do now… crying, sick, my vision for the rest of my life and all my dreams crumbling, stupid for having thought you’d want me. 

That’s how I can say I know exactly what you’re going through.  Because you put me there.  But I know I got ahead of myself… you were always very clear – passion, confidante, fun… no promises. 

You chose someone else who I think is awful for you but if you want her, that’s all that matters. 

Even though I listened to you and helped you say the things I long to hear from you?   And it hurt like hell? 

Yes, I would still take you in an instant.  I have seen what else is out there – Ivy League lawyers and professors, dance instructors, finance guy, computer whizzes… none of them caused any spark at all.  I would take you in my life, in my mouth, inside me… whisper fuck and cunt to you… be nice to you, hug you when you’re laughing or crying, rub your feet… even root for your football team!  Never the Yankees though, kid!  I have to draw the line there!

4:47pm Phil

Oh Sass, I feel so stupid, insensitive and cruel. I’m so sorry. We too shared some very romantic and pleasurable nights. The dinner in Boston at Legal was spectacular. What you say and think does matter. I would not ask otherwise. I don’t know why I feel the way I do, I just do. I know I should tell her to take a hike and enjoy loser boy.  My brain functions.  For some reason I can’t listen. A life of no passion, lousy sex, a very conservative woman has left me wanting so much more. Hugged my wife on the way out this morning. Might as well have been a tree. She hates walking on the beach. Dislikes the sand. Will not swim in the ocean. Won’t take a cab and go out and party a little, does not really like to be touched, never does anything impulsive. Has never rubbed my feet, shoulders, back, nothing. She likes her sex quick, I like it long and slow, lots of licking, stroking, rubbing, tease to the brink and start over again and again. Never had any of that until The Beach Gal. Some with you too.

4:55pm

I didn’t say any of that to make you feel bad! Just that someone loves you and wants you to be happy.  I know better than anyone that you can’t control who you want.  It is what it is.  And it’s cool.  We still have our fun and help each other find our way to a better life.  I’m still not rooting for the Yankees…ever.

5:16pm Phil

I am hoping to find my way in this world.  I have been so successful in my professional life and such a failure in my personal one.  I have great friends, people seem to like me, I have a great time.  Marriage has not been what I hoped for.  Thank god I was gone as often as I was.  My kids are disasters.  One is just a total mess and the other has the emotional feelings of her mother.  loveless, cold, calculating, using. She uses her guy to watch the dogs, keep house, and to just be company.  She has never loved him, never will, barely likes him.  My wife has referred to me as an asshole, piece of shit, wished me dead, told me she hated me and not because of The Beach Gal.  The Beach Gal is a little crazy, a lot unstable.  She is very emotional, maybe bi-polar.  She is so tender and warm though. So sweet most of the time. She is drinking a lot with ass clown and that offsets her meds and she acts stupid and irrationally. I always watched her drinking, never let her do shots, kept it to light beer and made sure she took her meds.  I’d love to say fucher and be done but for whatever reason, I can’t

11:01pm

Hey, kid.  I’ve been reading over all we wrote today.  Wow… a lot there.  It is so amazing what we can say!  Sleep well, sweet man.