Holding his hand

Wednesday, December 12, 2012
8:00am Phil
Have a great day Sass.
You too kid!
8:56am Phil
One of those sad, lonely mornings.
Hey!  Time for a big dose of the Sassy magic elixir!  Take it with coffee and three deep breaths and you may not feel better but you’ll be more awake! 
9:48am Phil
Such an emotional roller coaster.  Feel good one day, not the next. I have no idea what The Beach Gal has decided.  She wants me to call tonight.  Not sure what that will bring.  Either let’s do this or I can’t do this.  Either will change the course of my life. One will lead to a carefree existence without a lot of rules.  The other will lead to respectability, the next big job, responsibility. I’ll focus on the next career, I’ll work till I’m 70 to maintain a life style.  I am sick to my stomach, so afraid it will be the wrong answer. I’m normally such an optimist and lately I am so pessimistic. My problem is I don’t think I bring much to the table. I’m not a good looking guy. I’m well past middle age, I’m not witty or funny.  I come with baggage. I wouldn’t pick me either.
1:08pm Phil
Rough day today. Really rough day. I am really struggling
I’m so sorry to hear this!  What can I do for you?
Do you need me to tell you what you bring to the table?  Sad to say, I am looking at the men in the 46-56 range and you are SO MUCH BETTER than any of them.  You are sweet and sexy and have your hair!  You are a lot of fun… you’re the guy every guy wants to have a beer with, and the one all the women want to kiss.  I am not biased.  I have done research!  I can show you photos if you want to feel better but trust me… you have it going on.  No one is baggage free at our age.  And you love her… which makes all the difference.  So go worry about something else!  You are so close… take deep breaths and be yourself and you’re golden!
I got to sit in staff meeting and listen to my boss thank my assistant and the co-workers for all their work on the holiday party.  I shouldn’t let what he says or doesn’t say bug me, but man… that hurt.  Why didn’t he say my name in that sentence?  Other people noticed it and that made it worse. Ugh.
5:26pm Phil
Oh that sucks.  I have had that happen to me as well and it hurts.  Well no phone call or anything tonight.  The other guy is yanking on her heart and he wants to talk. She is going to talk to him and asked me not to call or write her.  I am going to come out on the losing end of this to a guy she admits she is not in love with, admits she feels no intimacy with, who drinks too much and puts his hands on other women when she is there. She does not want to break his heart.  The dude is a bar fly, he will be upset for a moment.  I’m just sick to my stomach.  Feels like my heart is lying on the floor. He is there and I am not.  Nothing I can do about that.  This sucks.
We are both hurt tonight.  I hear you girl.  Believe me, I understand how hurt feels.
10:37pm Phil
Yeah… you?
10:38pm Phil
No, not at all.
Oh dear…
What is it, dear man?
She had to talk to her guy tonight. Asked me not to text or call. Posted that she was a Happy Lady tonight.
10:40pm Phil
So afraid I lost her
Don’t jump to conclusions
I don’t understand how she can side with a guy she doesn’t love… or anyone, over you
10:41pm Phil
I know
Tell me about the first time you kissed her.
10:42pm Phil
She is not in love with this dude but I’m afraid he did something rash like ask her to marry him.
Does he know about you?
10:48pm Phil
We had been watching football on my porch, all the neighbors. The Beach Gal stayed to watch the late game. We flirted but never anything. Just kind of fun. Late game ended, I walked her out to the street and she walked home. About twenty minutes later, I found myself standing in the street. The Beach Gal was walking back down. She asked what I was doing. I said, waiting for you. I took her hand and we walked back into my back yard. As soon as the gate closed, we were each other’s arms. I kissed her, she melted, her leg wrapped around my knee. We kissed for an hour. Was so powerful.
 Yeah, she told him she was in love with me.
Mmm… thank you.  That was hot.
10:50pm Phil
It was way beyond that. Neither of us has any idea how or why we ended up in that street.
That was wicked dangerous you know…
where was your wife?
10:52pm Phil
I know, she was asleep
It built from there
10:53pm Phil
A touch, a look, a stolen kiss
Oh, how delicious!
Tell about sex?
10:55pm Phil
We took walks, we met for coffee, met at an out of the way park. She asked me if she ran away, would I tackle her. I did
In the park?
10:56pm Phil
First time was in her back yard, in the grass. It was quick, furious, oh man
Next was in her garage. We hung out there, listened to tunes, played darts.
Wow… you folks took risks…
10:58pm Phil
Met at a beach hotel. First time I saw her naked. Made love in every way imaginable for 13 hours
10:59pm Phil
Yeah we did. Did it on the kids play ground, back seat of my car, in a church parking lot,
It was always incredible
We would hug and it was soul healing. Felt like our souls were touching. Made love looking into each other’s eyes. Looking deep inside, way past just a physical thing
Was that her usual style or did you inspire something new?
11:03pm Phil
No, that was all new. She never did anything like that before
Made love on the beach. Listening to the surf, enjoying each other, getting off on the risk and each other
11:06pm Phil
I miss her so much
Never sat across from each other in a restaurant. Always side by side, always touching, kissing, laughing
Philip…whatever she says about tonight, don’t take it as final.  Promise.
11:09pm Phil
Oh Sass, I think she made a choice. She needs someone there. I am not. Can’t be till after I get out of here. 
That is so close!
11:10pm Phil
I know but I fear I lost the one, I let her slip away
There are lots of ways to go at this… no matter what she says there are things to try.  Don’t give up.
11:12pm Phil
I’m just so hurt. I would have walked away from everything for her
Hang in there.
If she doesn’t love him, you have a big lead.
Ask her to wait one month
Not to change her mind, just give you a chance to get there, to talk in person.
11:14pm Phil
She does not. But part of this is payback. She feels I let her down
Apologize.  Ask her to forgive you.  Tell her you are coming to see her.
11:15pm Phil
I asked her to come to along on a trip in Jan. and offered to go to her
I swear… if you can touch her…
11:15pm Phil
I don’t know
Just wait… be patient.  See what she says.
11:17pm Phil
My girl
[photo of The Beach Gal]
I know this is wicked tough.  But you can do it.  And you’re not alone.
11:21pm Phil
It’s miserable. Hoping she says something tomorrow. Anything.
She has the most amazing eyes. Window to her soul.
She loved the flowers. Bracelet was delivered today but she did not say anything
Maybe that’s why she’s happy!
11:23pm Phil
I just don’t think so
Wait and see.  Don’t get ahead of yourself.
11:24pm Phil
Yeah, will see I guess
Did you charm the bigwigs?
11:25pm Phil
Yeah, went well. So glad that’s over
Good photo of you with them. 
11:26pm Phil
Where? Did not see it
11:26pm Phil
The work page?
11:27pm Phil
[URL from the FB page]
Toward the end, there are two.
It’s fun that they’re all using FB now
So I get to see you a lot. 
11:33pm Phil
Guess I will know tomorrow. I could use a prayer babe. Nite. 
Thanks for holding my hand
You got it kid.  Sleep well.
11:38pm Phil
Nite Sass

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