Late tonight I noticed Kris was online on Gmail.  This is the first time in the three weeks since he said goodbye.  I wondered 

• Is he was courting someone else?  This was a special account we set up together, for us… so that thought made me growl.  But whatever.  

• Is his son was hacking this account?  Argh.  

• Is he just on there closing it?

I focused on the little green dot next to his name in the hangouts column on the left… begging him to write to me or ping me… but fearing that if he did it would set me back in getting over him.  I added a bunch of text to my “not gonna send it” email, so I wouldn’t ping him. 

Then that magic (1) showed up on my inbox.  A new email!  This better not be spam from LinkedIn!  

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from: Kris

to: Sassy

date: Saturday, August 9, 2014 11:22 pm

I shouldn’t be doing this…but I can’t stop thinking about you.  Text me your phone number. I deleted it.  I have my own phone plan so no one can monitor my texting—number is the same: [his phone number].  Sassy will never restrain herself…but I really miss the gentle, compassionate, caring, dedicated, “boring real you” the most.  

The things you said to me the last day we were together were more intimate than any sex in the world.  They broke my heart…they still make me cry.  They were so raw and real.  The thing that makes me cry the most is when you said matter of factly:  “No one flirts with me (real you).”  That broke my heart…it still makes me cry.  I should not be doing this…but I can’t resist.  Not promising to start up again…but might want to sit in the cemetary quietly some day with “real you” again.

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It was from him!!!  Sad but oh so gratifying for me to hear that he misses me!  and that I had not been crazy thinking he would suffer away from me.  I read his email over and over.  Do I want to answer?  Or not feed his slippage?  I picked up my phone to text him my number.  Just sent the number, nothing more.  Probably a record in brevity!

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Me: [my google voice number] 11:25 PM

Kris: S?  That you?  11:27 PM

Me: Yes. 11:28 PM

Kris: dont reply right now…u r unbelieveably respectful of others choices….thank u…..but dont reply now….cant deal with it…..shouldnt but Will probably contact u again soon…..so one word answer…..k?  11:34 PM

Me: Yes.  11:36 PM

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I can’t tell you how happy it made me to hear from him!!  I had told him I could not be his friend, but I have changed my mind.  I’ve decided I want to stay connected however he can handle.  I want to know what happens!  You can tell me I am an idiot. 

Hubby and I had a long talk starting at 1:30 am… I was too keyed up to sleep.  He told me he wants me to be happy but wishes I would get on a regular dating site like OK Cupid to date single men, or let it be known in the community that I’d like to date – he thinks the line would form to the left for my affections!  So strange to hear him say the opposite of what most people would think.  Here I am, being discreet, keeping my affairs private and out of our circle and he wants me to be more open!  He worries about me running into a betrayed spouse, another dangerous man, or the other perils.  I see his points but I can not fathom being “out” in my community.  I promised to think about it.  *sigh