Wednesday, April 23, 2014

8:26am Phil

Morning!  Saw this early this morning. So true

Quote: “There’s a difference between who we love, who we settle for… and who we’re meant for”

8:30am Sassy

Good morning kid!

8:31am Phil

I slept very well in case you are wondering  ^_^

8:37am Sassy

Hee hee hee.

8:38am Phil Came all over the boxes, the rug and of course my hand, first couple shots hit the wall, guess I needed that

8:45am Sassy

: )

8:47am Phil

Be glad you were not kneeling there. Would have been messy

Would you read a letter I wrote? Not sure I should send it. I was going to send an e-card and enclose the letter in an email but again, afraid it might be the wrong thing to do. I have to at least try

10:32am Sassy

Glad to help.

2:13pm Phil

Probably a bad idea that’s going to be taken the wrong way. Why I want a women’s perspective. I kind of feel like I should leave it be and see how things work out. Why leave a guy she just met and is happy with for a promise from me? Not like I’m any big catch for her. I’ll email it to you. Please be honest – sappy, stupid?  

       
4:24pm Phil

Dear Beach Gal,

            Babe, I think you got the wrong idea about where I was or maybe you did not.  I get the impression you believe I gave up on us, that I no longer wanted to be with you.  I want to clear that up.  You are my world, my everything.  You are my best friend, the only person I want to spend my life with.   I still think we are soul mates, meant to spend life together.  We get each other, always did.  We are a little volatile but that’s part of us.  I get a little sideways some times and lose focus.  It was never that I did not want to be with you, good god, that’s all I ever wanted.  I did not know how to do it without turning someone else’s world upside down and I thought I could find an easier and gentler way to do it.  I know now there is no easy way.  You just have to pull chocks and go and let it all settle out. I got all twisted up with bad advice, worried about a job, income, transition.  The reality is, none of that turned out to be an issue.
Beach Gal, I adore you, I have since I laid eyes on you.  The feeling has simply grown as time went by.  I put money away for the lawyer, so I would be ready.  I had so many ideas for the house, wanted to plant iris everywhere out back, a garden on the side,  put in the patio, make the garage into a place we could hang and relax. Play with the kitchen a little and maybe the bath.  All I want is to spend life with you, listening to the music down at the park, beers at our favorite places, long walks on the beach, your head on my shoulder.  You are the perfect fit, your hands perfect in mine.  Damn, I miss walking the beach with you.   I just want to be with you.  You are my one, you are my true love.  Without you my world is empty.  I just feel lost and alone.  My best friend is also gone, my buddy, my lover, my confidant, all gone.

            I think too much.  I let people convince me that I was too old for you that when you are my age, I’ll be 70 and she won’t want you then.  Watched Mom go through that and it scared me. All I needed was reassurance and a big hug.  I wanted so badly to come see you in January but my phone went off constantly all weekend long to ensure I stayed where I was supposed to be.  She was taking no chances.  I should have just chucked the phone out the window.  She had me by the balls until my  retirement date. There are no more leashes now. I am free to do as I please.  If you still wanted me, I’d be there tonight.  I think of you every day, all day. I pray for you every night. I dream about you.  I remember everything.  I miss you so much.  The happiest I have been since early December was when you called me about your job.  No one was more excited than I was for you.  It was so good to hear your sweet voice and you called me sweetie when you hung up.  If that’s the last time I hear your voice, at least I have that.

             I never misled you Beach Gal.  I took a long fucking time to get where you needed me to be.  I never wavered from wanting a life with you to spend every single day with my love. It’s all I dreamed of and wanted.  I still want to vacation in Italy but not without you.   I love you more today than I ever have.  I got spun up about things that I now realize don’t matter.  All that matters to me is your head on my chest watching TV, sitting out back with you, hanging out on the front stoop naked, dancing and holding each other when a good song comes on, waking up next to you every day.  Those are things that matter.  The rest is bullshit. 

            The problem is I’m not sure you love me anymore.  That kind of ends the dream.  Life without you just sucks. I’ve been miserable since I got here.  The happiest times of my life were with you.  You make me laugh, make me smile.  You just melt my heart.  The last time we were together was romantic and fun.  I loved that picture..  Everything I do reminds me of you.   The damn squirrels on base remind me of you when we were here.   The Starbucks on the corner where we got directions reminds me of you. Everything about the Beach or your town reminds me of you.  Every time I step into WaWa, I think of you.  You fill my mind and my heart, always have.  I just miss you Beach Gal and I always will.     

         I want to be with you, I want us, forever but only if that’s what you want. Ask me to come home and I’m there for good.  I read a thing this morning that rang so true, “there’s a difference between who we love, who we settle for and who we were meant for.”  I believe with all my heart that we were meant for each other.

         I’ve been a horse’s ass, made the wrong call for none of the right reasons.  I sit out back in a yard that’s not mine and listen to our songs and just smile and remember or cry a little.  I’ve been so damn sad.  I was trotting around a grocery store this weekend thinking about you laughing at me while I did it. I walked by all our places at all of the beaches.  It’s like I can feel you there next to me.  I have amazing memories but I want so desperately to make new ones and spend every day of the rest of my time with you.

           I don’t know if that’s possible.  I don’t know how you feel about your new guy.  He may be your one, your love, your soul.  I don’t know.  I know I was all of that once but I’m no longer sure that’s the case.  I want you to be happy.  I’d prefer that be with me but if it’s not, I need to get over it somehow.  I have no clue how to do that or if I even want to.  I want to hold onto you in my heart forever, to cherish the memories. I’m forever yours babe and I’ll always be here if you ever want or need me. I love you so much.  I want this back, “Baby, can I fix this? Will you give me the chance to prove to you that you ARE the one, you are my heart, my soul, my love, my choice”. . What’s meant to be will be and I firmly believe we were meant to be.

4:27pm Phil

Too sappy?

5:32pm Phil

Long winded for sure

5:48pm Phil

A smile for you

[photo of him with a big smile wearing a t-shirt]

            

5:50pm Sassy
You look so good.

            

5:57pm Sassy
Re: letter – she likes it when you go on, right?  Only thing I’d do is end with a specific question, like, “I am leaving her.  For real.  When can I come to you?” Or whatever you want her to answer.

6:08pm Phil

Yes she does. Good idea. Did I express my feelings?

I look like your typical 60 year old dude but thanks

I imagine she found a good looking guy

6:22pm Sassy

She never has before, except you!

6:39pm Phil

I don’t see it at all

I don’t think ugly but very plain

6:52pm Phil

I always wanted to be one of those hot dudes. I was always happy any woman paid attention to me.  I do appreciate the compliments though

I think I have a nice smile and I like my eyes

9:28pm Phil

Thank you Sass