I drove home thinking… it had its moments but I didn’t want to see him again. I have never thought that after a meet. I’ve had some bad times but always thought it might be better a second time.
It was fun to play with a toy at last, and he was very good to let me do it to him in return, but I wish he had been more gentle. He fucked me well for the 5 minutes he was inside me in two positions. Okay. Whatever.
He made me very sore in the first five minutes… didn’t listen when I asked him to slow down. I didn’t get asked if it was okay to do any particular thing, or if I was cumming, or if I wanted to do anything else. I got one compliment, and no good reaction to anything I did except suck on him and I didn’t get to do it in a position that let me show off my skills…. i.e. where I could see his face. It was his show all the way. I just don’t… like him. And more and more I find myself needing to like a guy in order to be inspired to do intimate things with him. No cuddling. Not much kissing. Bleh.
He had wrecked my insides. I could feel the blood trickling out as I was thinking bad thoughts about him! I draw the line at bleeding.
I spent the rest of the ride home thinking of Philip and Simon, wishing I could see them again instead of doing this crap.
I texted him. “Home. Thanks.”
He texted me, “ 🙂 “
It’s really sad… gorgeous body, his own place, no need for much stealth, close to me geographically, good conversation and… I don’t want him. I don’t feel safe or comfortable with him in the bedroom. It’s like “what will he make me do next?” And “how will he hurt me next time?” Ugh. I feel like the law of averages caught up with me. My luck turned bad. 13 is an unlucky number!
Let that be all. Not only him, but all of AM. I am done with this fuck and run stuff. Sex is not enough. I need someone to be nice to me. To say nice things. Maybe give me a single flower. Or go out for dinner. Treat me like a lady. Listen to me in bed. I need to stick up for myself and find the right guy. But for now, I give up. Shelve this one under “older and wiser” and move on. *sigh
F) Thoughts the next day – Thursday, July 11, 2013
The next morning I was talking to a blogger friend online and more thoughts coalesced. Bloggers are the best people!
Like most men – he does what he wants, the way he wants – I might as well be a blow up doll.
It had its moments but….not what I wanted. And not close enough in any direction to think I could make it into something good. And it hurt. I am still bleeding. The more I analyzed it, the more violated I felt. And it felt like it could get worse! So sad… nice guy outside the bedroom but in the bedroom – silent, rough, didn’t pay any attention to me, just did what he wanted. Please don’t let him want more!
I did write to ask if he’d send me the video he made. He said the battery died and he only got about a minute. (Which was a lie. I saw the light flashing as I left the bedroom). I asked him to send whatever he had. I never heard from him again.
I’m done. How can I meet anyone else? How can I trust my judgement? Back on the shelf.