Even more survey Q&A

May 20, 2013 Tuesday

I got an and email from Ashley Madison asking me to participate in an academic survey about online dating.  I filled it out, then volunteered to be interviewed via email and had a fun back-and-forth with the grad student running it.  If you missed the first part, click here.  The second part is here.  This is the third post.

From the grad student
To me
Sent: Tuesday, May 14, 2013 3:56 PM
Note: this is a bulk blind copied message with a follow-up question. Make sure to hit REPLY and not “reply all.”
Many women “frequently process experiences and information through discussions with cohorts.” With an OP, the ability to discuss the experience or even the man himself is severely limited or sometimes eliminated. This can leave women “feeling slightly isolated.”
Is this the situation with you? If so, can you elaborate?
How do you handle this isolation?
[her name]
Ph.D. Student, Sociology
Graduate Teaching Assistant
From me
To the Grad Student
May 20, 2013
This is not my situation.  
I am very lucky to have plenty of people to talk to.  I can’t talk to everyone, but I have my sister, three local friends (two women and one man) and several online pals that I can talk with.  
I am also 
– in an online chat room on IRC for “cheaters” that is very supportive, 
– participate in an online forum that is a wealth of information and 
– email bloggers who write about Ashley Madison and other extra-marital adventures.  
From: the grad student
To Me
May 14, 2013
oooh, tell me about the new guy?
1.    What are all the ways an outside partner complicates your life? 
From me
To the grad student 
May 20, 2013
The new guy is a fun – my best start ever!  He asked me to lunch on our third text (usually takes at least a week or more).  We had a great hug with some groping, then a fun discussion over lunch, then a walk by the river for “dessert.”  We ended up necking like teenagers on a bench in the sunshine.  Whee!  He talked about a hotel… soon.  We’ll see!  
Q.  What are all the ways an outside partner complicates your life? 
A.  Complications

– Made me realize what I was missing on the sex front 
– Made me quieter.  I was used to yammering away but now I have to filter, which is hard, so I talk a lot less.  
– Makes me almost break in half sometimes missing him  (facet of long-distance relationship) 
– Makes me argue with myself about “cheating” even though Hubby doesn’t see it that way
– Taught me different rules about extra-marital relationships that are tough to take, that is doesn’t “go anywhere” or mean we’ll live happily  ever after.  It’s just passion and a confidante, and men never leaves their wives etc. 
– Costs money I don’t have to fly to see him, eat out, buy him presents, upgrade my phone 
– Makes my computer life way more tricky.  Have to be super-careful not to leave my screen open at work, not to email things to the wrong places or text him when his wife might see it etc. 
– Takes me longer to get things done in my regular life because I am writing to him, thinking of him, reading things looking to see if they’d be good to send him, watching p0rn to see if he might like it 
– Makes me lead a “double life” and distances me from my friends because I can’t tell them the big news in my life 
– We can’t share the big days like holidays or important family events.  I really needed him at my dad’s funeral.  There was no way he could get away to come.  He could have appeared – my family would’ve welcomed him, but he couldn’t find an excuse for a trip that his wife would buy
– We take risks that worry me.  Every time we’re in a car I wonder what would happen if we had an accident… 

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