Date: March 19, 2011 9:58:09 PM EDT

To: Phil

Hiya, Philip. 

While you were gone, I got lost in a “what if.”  I time-traveled back to the night before you left for the military.  Wrote it down.  Had to get it out of my head.  

Stored as a google doc that only you and I can view.  You have to be logged in to gmail, I think.  Only open if alone…

It is scary for me to share it, but you usually react well to what I send, and it feels like part of us now somehow, so I thought you should know about it.  

Hope you enjoy it. Please say something after you read it?  Whatever your reaction is, I want to hear it.  

 -S

Back to Camp
1975

Where do you think I am on a random Monday afternoon during a school vacation?  I’m lounging on the couch at home, watching “General Hospital,” of course!  

It was a cold December afternoon, a few days after the craziness of Christmas, in that quiet week when school is out and the days are short and there isn’t much to do (if you’re not a bargain shopper).  The doorbell rang.  I bounced up to answer it, and was astonished to see my friend, Philip.  He was off to the military in a day or so.  I thought we’d said our final good-bye at church yesterday.  He stomped his feet to shake off the snow and smiled sweetly at me, with his best “lost puppy, let me in, lady” look.  I opened the door and he breezed past me into the living room.  

“Hiya, Sass.  Wanna go for a ride?” he asked.  

“Hi, yourself.  Where to?” I asked. 

“I want to go to camp one more time before I take off,” he told me.  

“Ah… sure.  Anything to get out of the house!” I answered.  “Let me grab my coat,” I added, heading off to the closet in the dining room.   This day suddenly got a lot less boring!

Let me explain about camp and Philip.  It’s a rustic camp in the woods with a motley collection of cabins, a big meeting hall, a pond and a gorgeous outdoor chapel in the birch trees.  It also happened to be where we had our first kiss.  We dated briefly when I was a freshman in high school and he was a junior.  I had been watching the tall, dark and handsome athlete at church for awhile, hoping he would notice me.  He decided that the tall, dark-haired, busty girl was cute, funny and sexy.  We had a lot of fun.  

After a few weeks, he told me he was in love with someone else, and asked me to be friends.  I was madly in love with him by then, but managed to be his pal, pining for him all the while.  But I had given up, and dated other boys.  None of them lived up to the chemistry we’d generated, but I had moved on.  So had he.  We saw each other at church, sang in the choir and went out with the church gang, but had not been alone for a long time.  

I was surprised he’d want to spend one of his last afternoons with me, and go back to a place with such romantic ties to our past, but I had learned not to question to him.  If he was in a good mood, I rolled with it.  I tried to shake his hand on Sunday at church when he was saying good-bye to a line of folks, but he had surprised me there, too, grabbing me into a big hug and giving me a deep, quick kiss.  

I bundled up, left a note on the kitchen table for my parents, and headed to the car with him. It was his parent’s big old Buick.  He opened the passenger door for me, then raced around to hop in and drive off into the hills.  He put on my favorite radio station – WTRY – and we sang along to the top 40’s tunes.  After we were up over the big hill and out of town, he reached for my hand.  He smiled at me, and then dragged me across the bench seat to sit next to him so he could put his arm around me.   I cuddled against him and reveled in the closeness I longed for.  So it was going to be like that, eh?  

“When do you actually leave?’ I asked, dreading the answer more than I thought I would.

“Tomorrow.  Early flight, first time on a plane,” he answered. He sounded really excited. 

“Wow.  At least it will be warm,” I offered. 

“Yeah… I get to see to the world!” he marveled.  “I am so ready to be gone from this dead-end town,” he admitted.  I looked out the window, so he wouldn’t see my face fall at the prospect of him being away from me.  

We sang some more, and I gave him directions as we cruised down the country roads and through the little town, then up the hill to camp.  The road had been plowed, so he pulled in near the big hall and parked.  He took my hand and pulled me out the driver’s side.  It was eerily quiet and white, unlike the rush of campers and lush greens of summer camp, or the riotous color of the autumn retreats.  It was still beautiful in the late afternoon winter sun.  

I longed for him to kiss me, but he took off to the big building.  We strolled around, peering in the windows at the huge stone fireplace and the industrial kitchen.  We joked about him winning the pancake eating contest at the retreat two years ago.  The path to the chapel was snowed in, so we walked down between the girls cabins and took the lower road to the pond.  We looked out at its frozen surface.  

“Remember the retreat, when all the guys jumped into the water?  Man, was that cold,” he waxed nostalgic.

“I thought you were nuts,” I told him.  

“Probably right, but it was fun,” he chuckled.  “We warmed up at that camp fire later,” he said, staring beyond the pond to the hill beyond.

“We certainly had a warm weekend,” I said, letting on that I was lost in the memory, too.   He stood behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pressed himself against my back.

“I will never forget that first kiss,” he whispered in my ear.  I blushed, wondering why he was bringing all this up now, wondering why he didn’t kiss me again, and glad he couldn’t see my red face.

The snow was too deep to go beyond the pond, but we didn’t need to.  Those memories of an October night were strong – the camp fire, sitting in a big circle with all the kids singing and telling scary stories.  We ended up on our backs in the grass, looking up at the stars, a little ways from the group.  And it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to roll into each other and exchange a passionate kiss, nervous and excited by the electricity flowing between us as our tongues danced in each others mouths.  I never told him that was my first grown-up kiss.  We walked up the path hand-in-hand, then found a dark corner to kiss some more.  By the time the weekend was over, we were an item.  That meant holding hands in the hall at school, sitting together at lunch, going to the football dance, and stealing a kiss here or there.  

The light was fading, so he turned to go and took my hand to lead me back to the car.  I had hoped for more, but I guess he just wanted to reminisce.  As we passed the cabins, I noticed the path to a smaller nurse’s cabin was shoveled.  I turned in, and tried the door.  It was open!  I pulled Philip inside – it was warm!  Someone had been there, had a fire in the fireplace, and then gone off without locking the door.  There was a note on the table.  

“Dear Sam, couldn’t wait.  Meds in the bureau.  Call if you see this and we can try again tomorrow.  2 pm 12/29”.   I checked the bureau and there was nothing there, so Sam must have come and gone about half an hour.  

I took off my gloves and warmed my hands by the dying fire.  It was glorious, casting a mellow glow over the small outer room.  I peaked into the back bedroom, and there was a real double bed, unlike the nasty cots in the girls and boys cabins!  Philip was behind me, gazing over my shoulder.  I turned to him in the doorway, and he wrapped his arms around me for a big hug.  

I couldn’t believe we were here, alone, and he was touching me.  Finding anywhere to be alone was a challenge for teenagers, so this private place with a real bed was nothing short of a miracle.  I had dreamed of a moment like this for two years, without any hope of it happening.  I wondered if it would play out the way my dreams had…still no clue if he was my friend today or had other thoughts.  I was tempted to kiss him if he didn’t do it soon.  

He leaned back slightly and stared into my eyes.  He put his palm on my face, and used the other hand to grab my ass and press me tightly against him.  He was rock-hard against my thigh.  Aha!  He was having other thoughts!  I took a deep breath and licked my lips.   

He kissed me, lightly at first, gauging my reaction, but very quickly pressing deeper and deeper with his tongue.  I let him explore a bit, then added my tongue to his.  He moaned and pressed me against the doorjamb.  

When we came up for air, he murmured, “Oh girl, you’re the best kisser,” reverently.  

“You are magic,” I whispered back in awe.

“I want to finish what we started out here,” he stated earnestly.  My eyes grew wide.  I was not sure if I was hearing him right.   

“What does that mean?”  I asked.  

“I want to go all the way,” he clarified.  “I brought protection,” he added.  

“Oh!”  That was clear enough.  He definitely wanted to be more than friends today!  

“I don’t want to force you into anything or make you uncomfortable,” he assured me.  He had never pressed me like other boys.  I spent many of my early dates fighting off boys who wanted to do more than I wanted physically, but I always felt safe and comfortable with Philip.  I wanted him in a way I never wanted them, but it wasn’t cool to admit that.  And I did not know much about sex.  I tried to explain.  

“I know… I just… I don’t know.  I haven’t…” I stammered, not sure how to continue.  

“Neither have I,” he said, understanding.  “But I’ve thought about it, with you.. a lot,” he admitted.

“Really?” I asked, astonished.  “When you broke up with me, I thought I turned you off somehow, that you didn’t want me that way at all,” I admitted.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” he whispered.   He kissed me again, deeper and deeper until I thought I would melt into a big puddle.  My knees were weak and only his arms around me kept me upright.  

“I’m not sure,” I told him.  Even though I wanted him very badly, I just didn’t know enough about the actual act to give him blanket permission up front.  

“It’s okay… you stop me if you need to, okay?  I can stop at any point if you ask me,” he assured me.  He had always been good about that, better than any other boy.  I trusted him.  I really didn’t know if I could do it.  

He unbuttoned my wool coat, and dropped it on the floor.  I unzipped his jacket and rolled it off his shoulders to join mine.  I pulled off his t-shirt while I was at it, and ran my hands down his chest.  He has such gorgeous skin!  I had always been drawn to his massive shoulders and muscled chest.  He pulled up my shirt and raised my bra so he could see my breasts.  I was self-conscious, but he smiled and dipped his head to take my right nipple into his mouth.  It shot a signal straight between my legs and I relaxed into it, running my fingers through his hair and moaning.

He whisked off my top and bra, then pressed our naked chests together, skin on skin.  

“Mmm…you feel so hot,” he said.  “I love the feel of your skin on mine,” he said. “You are the only girl I’ve ever touched, the only one I want,” he admitted.  I was shocked to hear that and beamed at the thought that he wanted me in a special way!  He was so special to me; it was amazing that he felt the same way.  

He walked me back toward the bed and we fell onto it, rolling together until we were on our sides, facing each other.  

I suddenly realized that I had already made a decision… without really thinking about it.  I always thought it would take intense planning and thought.  Or that the guy would force it on me.  But we were hurtling down a path that felt like it could change our lives forever.  And that didn’t bother me.  It seemed completely natural and right, if a bit daunting.  Just one more step on a smooth path.  He picked up on all that somehow.

“You okay?” he asked.  He made little patterns on my hip with his finger.  

“Oh, yes,” I assured him.  “I just…don’t know what to do,” I admitted.  

“What do you want to do?” he asked.  I’d never heard that from a guy before.  They usually ran the show and I put up with it.  It wasn’t considered cool to admit I thought about sex much, or was interested in any particular move.  That could get a girl called a slut.  But Philip never told anyone what we did, and he seemed fine with whatever I said or did.  We had not done much in our brief romance, but I was definitely ready for more. 

“I’m not sure… this is all such a surprise,” I admitted.  “What would make you happy?”

“I want to taste you, the right way.  Okay?” He asked sweetly, running his finger down my belly to between my legs.  I had never let a boy go down on me.  But for the life of me, I could not remember now why that was not allowed.  It was so good of him to ask me first.  

“Yes, please,” I told him.  He went into action, pulling off my jeans and underwear in one swift move.  I had never been completely naked with a boy, and started to roll over to cover up a bit. 

“You are so beautiful… don’t hide it!” he said, smiling at me.  He began kissing his way down my belly and I forgot about being self-conscious when he pressed his tongue inside me.  My hips shot up off the bed and I worried that I would break his nose!  He put his hands on my hips to match his movements to mine.  I put my fingers in his hair and pressed his head to me.  He licked and sucked, and I started to thrash as he worked on my most sensitive spot.  

“That’s it,” he said, taking a brief break.  “Roll with it, baby,” he intoned.  

“You… are making me… crazy!” I told him, panting.

“Good,” he chuckled, going back for more.  “You taste so sweet, just like I remember,” he said in awe.  My mind flashed back to the night he had put his fingers inside me then licked them, on a wild ride home on a school bus from a field trip, with us huddled together in the back row.  It seemed like the height of sexiness and grossed me out at the same time.  He had begged to be able to put his mouth on me, but that just was not done.  Why I had resisted?  This was incredible!  

He kept using his tongue and sucking in my juices as I got wetter and wetter, and hotter and hotter.  I began to feel flushed.  Then I felt the muscles inside me begin to clench.  I wasn’t sure what was happening.  

“I feel… strange… hot,” I said.  He raised his head to look at me and got a huge smile on his face.  

“Do you feel something inside?” he asked.  

“Yes…. um… the muscles are tightening,” I said, struggling to describe it. 

“That’s awesome… it means your coming,” he explained.  I didn’t know girls did that.  

“It’s kind of like what happens to me, only inside you,” he explained further.   “It’s a good thing!” 

He went back to licking me, deeper and faster.  I stopped thinking…. it felt like all the blood in my body was rushing to my center.  My hips would not stay still.  He rode them, like a man rocking a bronco.  I felt something break free inside me, like I was flying!  Wow.  

“Oh, yeah, girl…that’s it, cum on my tongue” he said in a sing-song way.  I whimpered and felt a pulsing, and wondered what had just happened.  I felt so good!  

“It’s an orgasm,” he told me.  “It’s what it’s all about,” he said.  “Have you felt that before?” he asked.  I shook my head.

“I just gave you your first one,” he crowed!  He hugged me, keeping me warm and dropping little kisses along my neck.  He kissed me quickly on the lips and I tasted my juices there…an odd sensation.  He seemed impressed that I didn’t balk at that.  

I smiled great big.  I felt amazing!  I wondered what would happen now.  

“Can you touch me?” he asked.  I had never touched a boy down there.  I thought nice girls didn’t do that.  But today was different.  I nodded and reached down to undo his jeans.  He rolled away for a moment and gave back completely naked.  He lay back and said, “Have your way with me.”  

I stared at him…I had never seen a completely naked boy before!  He was beautiful.  Looking at him did things to me.  He was completely erect, standing at attention in between his legs.  

“What do you call it?” I asked.  He looked puzzled.  “I mean, what word do you use?  Dick?” 

“Cock,” he said, chuckling.  I repeated the word quietly and his hips popped up.  Hee! 

I had no idea what to do.  I was curious, but very worried about hurting him.  He took my hand and showed me what to do, leading me to circle my fingers around him and pump gently.  His eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a low moan when he let go and I continued.  

“Oh, girl, that feels so good…you don’t know how many nights I have dreamed of this, touching myself and wishing it was your hand?”   I stopped momentarily, enchanted by the image of him alone in bed masturbating with an image of me in his mind.  

He whined at the lack of action, so I started again, a little faster.  He watched me in awe for awhile, but then his breathing got ragged and he closed his eyes and his head rolled back.  When I felt him start to lose control, I stopped to let him cool off a bit, then started again in a slightly different way, to see what he would do.  

“That is sooo hot,” he moaned.  “The way you take me to the edge and then let me down a bit, only to start again….mmmm..wow!” he exclaimed.  

“I want you to put me inside you…” he said.  “I have a condom,” he said.  They were tough to get… he must have been planning this for awhile.  He rolled away to get it from his pants pocket.  He ripped the foil, and rolled it down the length of his manhood.  

He put my hand back where it had been, and waited.  I touched the latex, a new experience.  

“Philip, I’ve heard stories about um..bleeding and pain…” I looked away, embarrassed.  

“I know… I’ll go slow.  I hear it gets better after the um.. first moments.  We’ll deal,” he assured me.  “Just be sure to tell me what’s going on, okay?  You can tell me if it hurts, or if it feels good. This is for both of us.”

He got up momentarily and grabbed a towel from the bureau, spreading it out on the bed, shifting me over it.  His consideration melted my heart anew.  He was so different from other boys!  I was so glad he was going to be the one. 

He settled lightly on top of me, shifting his weight until our hips were together and he cuddled me and kissed me.  I tried to take in all the places our bodies were touching, feeling his hands on my back, his legs entwined with mine, his nose next to mine… we fit together.  I couldn’t figure out where the comfort and the excitement split, but suddenly I was aching for him, frantic to have him inside me in a way I had never wanted another boy.  

He dipped his finger inside me, and I bucked toward it.  

“Mmmm… you are so wet,” he marveled, moving slowly in and out, testing, twisting.  “That should make this easier,” he explained.  I looked down his body and wondered how he could possibly fit inside me, how my body would react.  

“Don’t think you’re the only nervous one,” he said, smiling softly.  I nodded, trying to thank him but beyond speaking right now.  I took some deep breaths.  

“Just do it,” I begged, “I want you to…” I told him.  I closed my eyes, steeling myself for the moment to come.  

“Are you going to tell me now?” he asked.  My eyes popped open, scanning his face, trying to figure out what he meant.  

“What?” I replied, confused.  Had I missed something?

“How you feel about me,” he coaxed.  “You’re about to give yourself to me, and I can only think of one reason you’d do that,” he explained.  He stared right into my eyes and I felt like he could see into my head, my heart… I looked away.   He put a finger on my cheek to steer me back into his gaze.  

“You can say it,” he reassured me.  “You know you can tell me anything.”  I worried my lip with my teeth.  He was right, of course.  There was only one reason I would let him take my virginity.  How could he know?   

“There could be lots of reasons,” I stalled.  

“Maybe for another girl, but not you,” he stated.  Damn it, he knew me too well.  I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.  He had hurt me so badly when we broke up… I didn’t want to let on that he had my heart.  It would be much worse this time.  Why couldn’t he just have his way with my body already?  Did he need to know about my heart, too?

“I need it all,” he said, reading my mind.  I smiled wistfully, realizing this was the right way.  That he was making it so it would be even better than the physical connection.  

“I love you,”  I admitted.  He smiled and nodded.  

“Oh, girl… I knew you did.  I love you, too,” he said, hugging me tight.    

“But it doesn’t really matter… you’re going away, and I won’t…” I couldn’t go on.

“It matters,” he declared.  “It will always matter.”  

“You knew? I tried so hard to hide it.  To stop.”

“Yes.. I always knew.  The way you looked at me.  The way you let me touch you… the way you kissed me back, is very special,” he said.  “It’s not something you can control.”  

“But when did you.. you said you didn’t,” I asked, confused. 

“I can’t claim to understand it, but I did from the beginning… I just couldn’t make sense of you and the other girl and… I wanted to be fair, but it’s way more complicated than that, and I’ve regretted our break-up every day since,” he explained.  

He put my hand back between his legs and said, “Guide me,” and I took him in my hand and pressed a bit.  “Open your eyes!’ he commanded.  He grabbed my ass and thrust deep inside me in one quick move.  He was staring at my face, searching for my reaction.  We stared into each others eyes as he settled, both a little overwhelmed at the line we had crossed.  

“I love you so much,” he whispered fervently.  

He had not hurt me!  Relief flooded through me and I smiled.  He didn’t see any wincing, so he began to move slowly out.  I closed my eyes again, wanting to concentrate on the sensations.  He moved slowly in and out and I began to relax.  I put my hands on his back, caressing the muscles there.  It felt strange and wonderful to have him inside me, similar to his finger but a better fit, obviously the part of his body that was meant for this task.  He began to move a little faster, go a little deeper and I moaned in pleasure.  My hips began to rise to meet his thrusts, and he growled, low and sexy.  

“Mmmm….you okay?  This feels..so incredible,” he said in awe.  “I didn’t know… it’s so good… you were made for me,” he marveled. 

I could not answer… my brain had quit working, but I sighed in pleasure and pressed his ass a little tighter.  He moved in and out, trying different angles and rhythms, repeating anything that got a reaction from me.  I had been afraid to let on to other boys that what they were doing made me feel good, but Philip made it okay.  

He began to shiver and closed his eyes, as all the sensations piled on and blood rushed from his brain to other areas.  I began to feel the flush again…and then the clenching of the inner muscles.  He felt it, too and increased his pace.  My breathing got a bit ragged.  I started to tremble all over.  

“You’re coming again,” he whispered in awe.  “Do you feel it?” 

“Oh…oh yes,” I whispered back, twisting my hips higher so he could press deeper.  He moaned as he felt it, and my insides clamped around him.  It was even better this time.  A feeling of wholeness… rightness…and warmth all over poured through me.  It was all I could do not to say “I love you” about 20 times.  I chanced it once more.

“I love you, Philip,” I whispered.  

“I can tell.  You are so hot, so tight…” he told me. “That is what every guy wants,” he explained as he rocked in and out.  “I can’t…. hold back… much longer,” he panted.  

“Let go,” I told him.  “Fuck me!” I screamed.  

That set him off… he pounded into me and I rose to meet each thrust.  I don’t know how I knew to do that… it was some instinct kicking in.  I wasn’t thinking anymore, just feeling.  Suddenly he stopped and I could feel him pulse inside me.  He shook as the juices poured from him into the condom.  Then he collapsed on top of me.  He shifted slightly to the side, but we were still connected.  He ran his hand over my face, looking concerned.  I opened my eyes and gave him my most brilliant smile.  

“Are you okay?” he asked. 

“Yes… I am great!”  I replied.  “Are you okay?” 

“No…,” he said, but with a twinkle in his eye that told me he was teasing, “I am fabulous!”  

then he got a very evil look on his face.  “And I am a MAN!” he crowed.  

“You certainly are,” I sighed.  I was thinking about all the secrecy and whispers about this act, the dire warnings from adults, the pressure from other boys, and how it had not felt right with anyone else, but so right with Philip.  I thought it meant something… but I wasn’t sure what.  

“And you are a quite a woman,” he sighed, pressing his forehead against mine.  He held me and kissed me gently. “Thank you, Sassy,” he sighed.  “I am so glad you were the one.”  

“I never wanted to do it with anyone but you,” I admitted to him.  “What were you planning to do if we hadn’t found this door open?” 

“Back seat of the car,” he admitted. “This was way better!”

“I’ll say,” I replied.  

“Sore?” he asked.  

“No… there was some…pressure at the very first, but nothing bad,” I assured him.  He rolled me toward him and looked at the bed.

“There is a little blood,” he reported.  “But not much.”   I tried not to be weirded out that such incredibly personal details were being discussed so openly…he was so matter-of-fact that it almost worked.  I didn’t want to move, but I wanted to clean it up before he could focus on it much more.  

He hugged me and kissed me deeply… it seemed like he didn’t ever want to stop.  

“I could do this all night…” he sighed.  “I want to say things, make promises, but it’s not fair… with me going away,” he added.  “I don’t know where I will be or what will happen, and I’m not much of a letter writer,” he said.  

“It’s okay. I understand,” I told him.  Even though I didn’t.  I had already made up my mind that I would never love anyone but him.  I buried my face in his neck and hugged him in a different way, trying to get all that across somehow.  

“You’ll always be my girl… nothing will take this time away from us, ever!” he said.  I knew I would cry if I tried to speak, so just nodded against his face.  I was begging God to let him come back to me, and soon.  But something told me it would not be that way.  But I pushed all that away, not wanting to muddy our time together with such dark thoughts.  

“I should get you home…” he whispered.  “But I don’t want to move,” he added.  

“Yes, you’re right,” I said, not moving.  He started kissing me again in a desperate, hungry way, as if we had just started instead of having been together for hours.  He started to move inside me again!  I didn’t know that was possible… but he was just as hard and hot and I stopped thinking again and held him close and moved with him.  

“Oh girl… you… you make all my dreams come true!” he marveled.  

“I want you to be happy,” I told him, as I had so many times before.

“You do… oh, my god, you do.”  He confirmed, punctuating each word with a quick thrust inside me.  

“Why?” he asked suddenly, touching my face, looking straight into my eyes. 

“Because I… because of… how you make me feel,” I said, hedging.

“Say it!  I  need to hear it again… so I can remember,” he begged.  I looked away, but he pressed into me again and turned my face back to him for a long kiss, then waited… staring… 

“I love you…” I whispered, smiling a little sadly but sweetly, holding my breath.  

“Love you too,” he said.  I stared and sighed.  He began to move again, building up for another climax. I held him and wondered if there would ever be another moment so perfect in my life.  And then all thought disappeared as the chemistry took over and we soared together.  

We lay there for a long moment, then I gave him a shove, grabbed the towel and scooped up my clothes.  I went out by the fireplace and started cleaning up, dressing, rinsing the towel with some snow, busying myself with the details of getting ready to go.  He came out completely naked and hugged me again, then swatted me on the ass and went about getting dressed and erasing all signs of us being there.  

We walked hand in hand back to the car.  He was opening my door and I tapped him on the shoulder.  He turned and I pressed him against the side of car, kissing him with all the passion I could muster, trying to show him how special this day had been for me.  He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me back.  He broke away and I thought he’d hand me into the car, but he spun around very quickly, reached in to unlock the back door, shut the front door, opened the back door, and climbed in, reaching out a hand to pull me in!  He reached around me to close the door, then we sprawled across the back seat, me on top of him.   

“Forgive me, but I’ve been thinking about making out in the back seat for ages and I can’t resist seeing what it’s like,” he whispered in my ear.  He kissed me deeply, and I added my tongue.  He moaned sweet and low, then grabbed my ass and fit me into the cradle of his hips, so I had doubt he was ready to go again.  I had no idea he would want me again so quickly.  It was reassuring that this was not just about taking my virginity and being done with me.  

He broke the kiss to help me shed my jeans and underwear, then took off his own and settled me back on top of him.  I thought he would roll me over, but instead he put my legs on either side of his hips and raised me a bit, saying, “I want you on top of me this time…so I can cushion it, not hurt you with my weight on you, let you control it more,” he explained.  I was so touched that he had thought of all this, and intrigued at the idea of having some control.  Though the idea of having to think, to plan the action, was a bit scary.   

I looked down at his body, his long brown hair falling around his head, his beautiful shoulders and chest, and his erection nestled in the hair at the juncture of my legs.  He held my hips, squeezing them gently. 

‘Wait… I almost forgot,” he said as he reached for his jeans and pulled out another foil packet.  He handed it to me and showed me how to roll it down his cock, leaving some room at the bottom for the liquid that would fill it.  I was so blown away at his thoughtfulness.  Even as I had an incredibly sweet vision of growing big with his child… this was not the time in our lives for that step.  I had always been terrified of getting pregnant, and was taken aback that it could seem like a good idea for a few seconds.   

I shifted a bit and pressed him inside my swollen lower lips.  He moaned as the moisture touched the latex.  He watched intently as I rose up a bit and then sank down slowly with him inside me.  He closed his eyes in intense pleasure, biting his lip and exhaling slowly.  

“I think I’m further inside at this angle, no?” he asked.  I twisted just a bit and sank a little more and he gasped.  

“Oh, yes…definitely,” I answered as my body and mind began to react.  My breathing was already ragged, but I struggled to focus and make this incredible for both of us.  I moved up and down a couple of times and he sighed.  I established a rhythm, but then stopped.  He opened his eyes, smiling now, knowing what I was doing.  I started again faster, turning my hips a little, and he started panting.  He put a hand on my breast, teasing my nipple and then filling his hand with it.  I moved a little faster, and he let go, grabbing my hips again. 

“Oh, girl, you…you…we are so good together…better than I imagined.  You…mmmm…you..make it..so right,” he declared. 

I was suddenly reminded of my summer days on my grandfather’s farm, riding my cousin’s huge, tame stallion…cantoring along the sandy lanes between the fields in afternoon sun…the heat, the bouncing, the movement between my legs, pressing with my knees to get him to turn…the power of being in control of another powerful being…and somehow Philip became that horse and I rode him like a storm was coming and I had to get back to the barn in seconds flat!

Philip sensed the change, felt the muscles inside me start to clench, and whispered, “Where… did you….go….in your mind?” 

“Grandfather’s farm…riding the horse,” I told him, unable to say more as the explosion started in my mind and inside me.  His hips rose and he thrust up to meet me.    

“Oh, yeah, baby…. ride me… be my cowgirl…ah…mmmmm,” he sang to me as I got more and more frantic.  He pressed his finger at the top of my slit, flicking my most sensitive spot.  I went wild, arching my back.  My head hit the roof of car and I sank down on him as I soared off into space.  I felt him pulsing inside me.  And we were still, breathing fast.  I fell down on his chest.

“I love you,” I whispered fervently against his neck.  

“I love you so much,” he replied, stroking my back.  He turned to look into my eyes and kissed my nose.  “Now I really should get you home,” he said, breaking the spell.  He lifted me gently off him and turned me to the inside of the seat.  He grabbed his clothes and got out of the car to dress.  I scrambled back into mine and crawled over into the front seat.  

He popped into the driver’s seat, and I nestled next to him as he drove us back to town, humming quietly to the radio tunes, trying not to listen to the lyrics about love and loss.  I wanted to stick my head out the window like a puppy and scream, “HE LOVES ME!”  I had never wanted to stop time so much!  

We made it back to town much too quickly.  He turned in at the parking lot across the street from my house, where we could pull around to park and not be seen from the street. He grabbed me and kissed me.  I knew this was good-bye and thought, “Don’t cry, don’t cry” as he licked my nose.  But he surprised me, leaning me back until we were sprawled across the seat, and he was on top of me, wedging his leg between mine.  I was on fire again.  

“I want you again… I don’t think I will ever stop wanting you,” he told me.  

I couldn’t speak.  I kissed him with more passion than ever.  He undid my jeans and put his finger inside me…moving in and out until I was completely wild!  I felt the waves of heat start to crash over me…dripping, soaring again.  Wow.  I reached for his fly and slipped my fingers inside his clothes, circling around him, wanting him to be satisfied as well.  I wanted him to have another special memory, something spectacular. 

He sat up quickly, saying, “No…might get messy…and I don’t have another condom,” but I had thought of a way around that already.  I put my head in his lap and took his cock in my mouth.  He moaned and shifted his hips…”Oh, my god, girl… I never thought you would.. oh, damn, that’s so hot…,” as he watched me in wonder.   I had no idea what to do, but tried different things… licking the edge, sucking slowly and then with more force.  He seemed to like it all!  I was so afraid I would hurt him, that my teeth would cause some damage, but he was making the sweetest sounds, so I kept going.  I began to taste something very sweet and thick…mmmm!  I’d heard about boys leaking a little early on when they got excited.  I had thought it might gag me, but it tasted good!  He began to move his hips, holding my head and fucking my mouth, deeper and deeper.  I put my arm around him, and a hand under him and gently stroked his balls, and he growled in pleasure.  

“Girl, you better stop.  I’m not sure I can control…” he warned me as he got more frantic.  I stopped for a moment to make my intentions clear.  

“I want you to cum in my mouth.  I want to swallow it.  I’m not sure if I can, but I want to try,” I stated.  He looked astonished and incredibly pleased.  I went back to work, building up the pace, and he wove his fingers through my hair, thrusting deeper and deeper.  He trembled, stopped moving and twitched, then there was cum spurting into my throat.  I swallowed hard…once, twice, making as loud a gulping noise as possible so he’d hear it, and felt the most amazing rush of power, that I had been able to do that!  

Philip was panting…he pulled me up and kissed me, tasting his juices in my mouth.  He looked at me in awe.  I smiled at him and stroked his face.  

“You are the most incredible girl,” he marveled.  “I never thought there would any reason I would find it tough to leave here, but you have screwed that all up,” he sighed, pressing his forehead against mine.  “I love you so damn much.”  

“Good,” I said, feeling triumphant he has finally figured out how good we could be together.  “I love you a lot, too,” I added. 

“There a good reason your name is Sass,” he said, righting his clothes and pecking me on the check.

“You know it!” I replied, going back to my own side of the car.  I thought the sadness would break me in half, but the glories of the past few hours kept it at bay.  My head was full of the look on his face when he came, the feel of his skin, the taste of his mouth and our juices, and the sound of our bodies moving together and his moans.  Maybe some of that would stick with him, bring him home to me again.

He drove over across the street to my driveway and got out of the car to escort me to the front porch.  We hugged for a long time.  He opened his mouth to speak but I shook my head, pressing a finger to his lips, warning him that I was right on the edge and he’d better not say anything more.  He understood.  He smiled, smacked me on the ass, and headed back to the car.  I stood there, watching him drive away, the tears flowing freely down my face, my heart aching.  I said a quick prayer that God watch over him.  And went into the house.  

I never saw him again.