[from my private journal]

My month on AM 

I have gone off the deep end into online dating! 

I was in a terrible funk on Sunday night, September 16.  I was in chat with {a lady}, who patiently listened to a rare whine from me about how both my guy and my husband forgot my birthday.  And how it’s been a year since I saw my guy with no prospect to see him again… don’t know if he’d even make arrangements if he was going to be close by or not.  She suggested signing up for online dating.  I resisted.  Mostly because I think no man would want me if I was even close to honest about my height and weight.  The last thing I need is more rejection!  

But she said they would want me.  And to give it a try.  That it would cheer me up.  Even if I never met anyone, just put up a profile and enjoy the attention.  So before I could lose my nerve, I opened a new Yahoo mischief email account, slapped together a profile and put it up there.  I showed it to a couple of the chat denizens, made sure I didn’t say anything stupid.  

The first couple of days 73 guys looked at my profile!  13 winked me and 2 emailed.  I wrote back to the two who emailed, and three of the winks that interested me, so there were 5 guys in play.  Not a tsunami, but I only need one!  All these men are 6’2″ tall and around 200 pounds.  I’d like someone beefier but not finding him. 

1) AM #1

The first guy who emailed me was incredible!  I adored him and we messaged a lot.  Then he disappeared and I was crushed.  I know, I’m an idiot.  But I felt something.  I waited a couple of days, then contacted three guys who had winked me.  

He reappeared after awhile, said he had backed off because he really liked me.  WTF?!  He had not cheated yet, despite having met 7 women, and was afraid I’d be “the one who would make him cheat.”  People said this is a familiar brush off.  But I wrote him back anyway, offered to talk it out with him or only flirt online, whatever.  He wrote back with a photo!  Somewhere between Greg Kinnear and Tom Hanks.  He set up a meet.  Which he postponed.  But rescheduled.  Then postponed.  But I still feel such a connection!  So we’ll see!

2) The Lawyer

Think Sam Waterston – educated, charming urbane senior partner… we used to work at the same firm at different times!  We had a lovely lunch and he told me he wanted more! Wow!  I AM WANTED! We had a delicious kiss in the afternoon sunshine and he asked me to email him.  I did.  We’ve been emailing and waiting for him to find time.  But I fear he is too busy.  Or he doesn’t really want me.  

3) The Dancing Man

Think Anderson Cooper –  intense, edgy and blunt.  Said he was coming off a 3 yr relationship and looking for another long term lady.  He invited me to a hotel room.  I angled for the bar instead.  We had a hysterical run-in with a brand new bartender who wouldn’t leave us alone, but ended up in his room being very nice to each other.  WOW!  and then I never heard another word from him.  I wrote a thank you note.  Nothing.  That stung.  But at least I got to play!  *sigh

4) The Professor

Brilliant, deep, polite and nervous. Well-educated.  Slow.  Careful.  Uses his real name.  Wants mine.  Showed him my chest instead.  He disappeared, then reappeared a week later.  Still negotiating.  

5) Panties Man

Think taller Michael J. Fox – super nice, focusing on finding a friend.  Met him last Friday, felt comfortable, kissed a little in my car.  He left after 30 minutes, so I assumed he didn’t like me.  Less than an hour later he wrote a long email saying how nice I was and he wanted more. 

Chatted online all weekend.  Saturday he told me he’s a switch – wants to dom me sometimes and have me dom him other days. Hmm… Monday he told me he likes to wear ladies underwear.  and wants to be yelled at and called a sissy for doing it.  Like his mother did. So if I had tried to give him a blow job on Friday, I would have found lace and flowers!  I can deal with silky fabric but NO! I can NOT be mean… just… NO.  I feel bad that I can’t help him, but NO.  I told him that but he is still writing.  Ugh.   Need advice on how to make him stop wasting both our time.  Everyone said just run.  But one friend told me ways to play with him, to make his life fun and not be too tough for me.  Assign him tasks.  So I tried a little of that.  It was strange but wild and fun!  And he appreciated it so much!  

So I have three maybes – The Lawyer, The Professor and AM #1.  None of them are particularly chasing me, though they whine if I don’t write back. Even the best one doesn’t click with me the way bloggers or chatters do, but they are local! 

Tuesday night I was talking about AM in chat when someone mentioned another site online, Private Affairs [the site has disappeared since].  I signed up and found four pages of men in this area.  There is less focus on stats and more in info I want to know.  You can look without signing up, which is lovely.  I winked all the men over 6 feet – three of them. I’ve already heard back from one!  So maybe some fun in that direction.  But he’s awfully droll.  

This doesn’t feel like where I want to be but I am learning a lot about what I want and maybe this will get me somewhere better?

Stay tuned!