Subject: Saying it 

Date: July 19, 2011 1:19:57 AM EDT

To: Phil

Holy crap I want to call you so badly.  I can take care of myself most of the time.  But it’s that “hug your loved ones and tell them” time again.  I can’t hug you, but I can write I LOVE YOU in big letters.  

My brother-in-law’s best friend is dying.  He in his 40’s with wife and young children.  He was diagnosed with leukemia on March 8.  Caught early, immediate chemo, 70% chance it would work. It didn’t work.  So they tried drug #2.  That didn’t work.  So they tried the super-duper drug.  Nothing.  So 10 days ago they told him there was nothing more to try, and he might have six months to live.  Last night he had a stroke.  He is bleeding out all over the place inside.  They said it won’t be long, hours.  So less than 5 months, and he will be dead very soon.  He was posting every day in his blog.  There’s an entry yesterday. And now there won’t be anymore.  And it sucks.  Join me in praying for them.

I’ve never met these people.  But I cry for them.  Because I am a big sap.  And because it frightens me.  Because it could be any of us.  It could easily be me if this blasted cancer crap comes back some day.  And it reminds me that life is short.  And we need to say what we need to say.  Don’t wait.  Because sometimes there isn’t another day.    

I wish you could be with me on nights like this.  And on the good ones, too.  I know there are reasons we aren’t together.  But right now I can’t remember them.  I only know that I want to be with you.  And make you happy.  Always.  But it isn’t what you want, so I will keep it to myself.  But know there’s someone out here who loves you a lot.  

I’m sorry to pour this out all over you…I promise to be cheerier tomorrow.  

Sleep well, sweet man. 

-S