Holding out my hand

Week 34

Wednesday, April 4, 2012
7:41 am Phil
ate responsibly and rode the bike for over an hour so yeah, I did ok. Late night event tonight – don’t get back till after midnight but so worth it.  Hope you have a good day too!
7:58 am
Good morning! Gorgeous sun, going to 65. Those events are so cool. So great you can make a difference there.
8:02 am
It’s a fun event.  Have tickets to see a show and then its off to the cruise. Then a couple trips for work and prep for the 4th and the family coming out. That will be fun as well. My time here is slipping away so fast. Kind of sad. I will miss it here tremendously (not the weather). Ah well, life goes on, we just have to keep flipping the pages. Glad it’s a nice day there too. Enjoy!
I’m off to work, toting treats for a student worker’s birthday.  We have a special staff meeting today with other offices that do simliar work.   And I start the publicity campaign for another project!   Whee!  Bad day yesterday… feeling stuck, want you in my future, thinking divorce more… but still can’t see the right path.  Maybe Easter will bring me some new ideas!  Rock on!
10:05am Phil
I feel stuck some days, content others. It’s a frustrating cycle. There are family expectations, job expectations. I have worked so hard to get to this point, not sure I will ever leave. Financially devastating, damage to kids, etc. You end up giving up everything you know. Easy when you are young, much harder at this age. I have divorced friends who are very happy, good relationships with the kids and others who just ended up pathetically lonely with kids who wanted nothing to do with them. It’s a hard thing. I fell head over heals over a girl a few years ago. Let that slip away. I handle the work part of life well. In my zone. I suck at the personal side.  ah well………….
10:38am Phil
Trying to open my eyes, my heart, my mind. Hard some times.
Thank you for your thoughts. Hugs.  I hear you.  But I have the firm belief that we are different… special.  You found me, helped save my life, for a reason.  We could make each other and our families very happy.  Together we could do amazing things!  The changes scare me, but you are worth it.  If you want me, the rest seems easy. You are so used to change, this would be just a slightly larger thing and I would be there to help. And make you smile.   I have money of my own, I am a worker, organizer… let’s explore what might be possible?  I am holding out my hand to you… take it! 
11:18am Phil
That’s not possible at this point. Would end my career. I don’t dislike my wife, and we have been together a long time. I want to live in a beach town, drive a convertible, buy a motorcycle. I want to walk on the beach, listen to the bands, have a drink. Not wife’s cup of tea. I thought I could leave a few years ago, I never made it. My daughter has just come back around. I’d live with godzilla rather than lose my kids. I’m going to try again, go on a cruise, try the beach. Maybe it will get better. I have to try.

Your life is Boston, your family is there, I would never live there. I like sandy beach bars with loud music. I love music, I love football, like Nascar.  I too believe everything happens for a reason. It’s not always clear what the reason is.  I’m thrilled to have found you, I have enjoyed that immensely.  I am not used to change. Going from the beach to here is temporary, I know that. I know I am going back. I’m not ready yet but it’s an attractive offer.

My head is spinning for numerous reasons. Too much bouncing around up there. Your thoughts are not so far fetched but a tremendous amount of other things come into play. Something to think about though πŸ™‚
11:36am Phil
Get to work lady!
hello, hello?
Wow!  I don’t mean today!  I will wait if you say you want me.  I know about the military, the beach, the car, the motorcyle, and so many other things that are part of what makes you special.  I want you to find the right mix of doing your own thing and having a loving wife by your side.  Comparisons are tricky, but I will be nicer to your family than your wife is.  If they love you, they will want you to be happy.  You know we can talk, lay our cards on the table and make our lives better.  I am ready to leave here for you.  And stand by until you are ready.  Start thinking in that direction, try it on… see if it makes you smile.  Remember if there are scary parts, share… I may have an answer.  You are not alone!  And there will be FUCKING!  πŸ™‚
11:43am Phil
HA ha ha ha,yes ma’am, πŸ™‚
Heh… made you smile right there, kid. 
Brat!  You are most important, more than any other work or place or person. But I do have to go run a lunch for 27 people now… big hug with my hands on your gorgeous ass.  πŸ™‚
Thinking of you… Hope the event went well.  Sleep well, sweet man.
12:42am Phil
Was awesome! Always is.

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Sassy Girl

It's the gal you knew in high school that you've wondered about. And she's got something to say! Time to heat up old flames!

2 thoughts on “Holding out my hand”

  1. I really feel for you here–you were very brave to reveal the depth of your feelings and desires. Ideally, we leave our marriage for ourselves, not for others, but when our heart belongs to someone else, it’s hard to keep it all separate.

    1. Oh Holly… I know you’ve been there! You and Adam were a great resource for me in those days. I thought of you both so often and tried to apply the lessons you shared. I even sent Philip Adam’s “Jump” plea that so eloquently summarized his support for you to leave. You’ll see more hints of it soon! We lost 35 years together because we didn’t share our feelings as teenagers… I am resolved to communicate better this time around!

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