1:15 am The farewell
I dropped him at his car, and got out for one last hug and kisses. I did not want to let go! I had this horrible feeling that I would never see or hear from him again, whether by some peril in my upcoming battle with cancer or some twist to his move and new post or the vagaries of life in general. I tried to pour all my feelings into that last touch, but I could not speak.
He finally broke us apart, kissed my forehead and said, “Drive safe. Text me when you get home?” I nodded. He dashed to his car. I got into mine and followed him out of town. He turned off toward the base, and I went on down the dark, empty roads and highways back to Boston.
1:22 am to Hubby “Headed north, home soon”
1:29 am Philip: “Thanks for a very enjoyable evening. Please let me know when you are home and safe.”(with a photo of the boston cream pie in a heart)
1:30 am Philip: “Yummy”
(with a photo of the baked stuffed lobster)
I unpacked the cooler, putting the cheese back into the fridge. Hubby was asleep in the recliner, so I tucked him into bed. But I was too too keyed up to sleep, so I stayed up writing it all down, wanting to treasure every moment.
3:39 am “Thank you very much for a lovely evening! Fabulous dinner, thought-provoking stories, and so many sweet moments… it’s so great being with you.”
3:47 am “Made it home easily, so keyed up, couldn’t sleep… up writing down everything, to clear my head. So special… Thanks for sharing so much with me, Philip. Must sleep now. Sleep well, sweet man.”
Thank you that I did not get sick, have a period or a cold sore, get into a car crash with him in the car or by myself, get too lost, run into anyone I knew at dinner.
My cat did not make him sneeze.
He liked the t-shirt I gave him and it fit.
I was able to put off my surgery a few days so I could see him.
I went to D.C. in October, so this was not our only interaction.
He didn’t give me any “and now good-bye” speech.
Not sure whether I should have told him I love him or not. Didn’t seem to be a moment to do it. But when he shared his heart cath story, and I realized he could die before I ever see him again, or when he talked about such intense moments in his career and the burdens, I was very close.
It is so nice to be with a man who will let me touch him and kiss him.
I was also very happy to have few hours where I was not “the person whose dad is dying” or “the woman with cancer.” I was Philip’s “high school sweetheart.” Swoon