Thursday, August 14, 2014
date: Thu, Aug 14, 2014 at 7:54 AM
subject: Re: conflicted / don’t know what to do
Hi Sassy Real you (even though you don’t see yourself that way 😉
That was the most beautiful and clear email. Thank you for taking the time to say all that. I understand where you are at. I’m glad you have moved on from where you were when you originally wrote “the email not to send.” I might still be curious to read it if you would let me…just as a “comparison point” to see how you were “in one place then”…..and “another place now.” But it’s not a pressing thing….just curious.
I thought about the 2 1/2 hour ride on the bike after I wrote it and realized that you probably had in mind “to the end of the parking lot and back” LOL. But you are such a good sport–and not a scaredy cat at all. Think of the things you’ve done with me that you never did before–how some of them were scary but you decided to do them anyhow. I loved how you were gasping out like having an orgasm terrified as we got toward the top of Mt. Washington in my car. I kept teasing you saying, “You’re having an orgasm.” You were making gasping sounds that sounded like it (not that I have much experience knowing how you sound when you have orgasms–give you a quarter later. You should charge me more for self-deprecation if you really want me to stop).
Anyhow, I know you want physical contact (a polite way of saying fuck your brains out as much as possible). But you are so experienced at “taking whatever you can get.” So you are figuring out what that might look like for where I’m at right now…that you can live with if you still see me. I’m still highly-conflicted—even about this much contact. But apparently I haven’t decided to stop communicating with you altogether–or I just would. But I would at least tell you, “This is what I think I should do.” Of course, I tried that once before–and wasn’t successful. But I promised I would never “just go silent” without any warning.
I won’t be able to be single forever. If I start dating other people I will tell you. They would probably be Christians with the good intention of not having sex before marriage (of course as many don’t really succeed at that as do). In the meantime, here we are…and I’m happy to be talking to you…conflicted about it…..and now starting to cry.
Lots is going on here. You are right – there is nothing you can really do directly about any of it, except what you are doing. just be your “Sassy/Real” self…thank you.
Kris: Good morning…Ty for that beautiful email. made me cry…sent one back. know u r swamped at work. I have to get ton of financial docs together for divorce settlement. taking time off from work to do it. hard to be forced into pure “save my ass(ets)” mode. dont want to ramble or vent here. hope u survive “b on wheels” today. maybe chat tonite. 8:05 AM
Me: Good morning! Running to work. Thinking of you. Sending you strength and a crotch grab! Mwah! 8:17 AM
Kris: Wow! Try to keep that Sassy on a leash there toots! 😉 8:19 AM
Me: I may have a meet this afternoon… The Lawyer! He was the first AM guy I met. I see him once a year. Heh. It’s been a month since I had any action so I am READY! 12:53 PM
Kris: go for it girl! makes me a little sad, but glad u r moving on. lost a lover but for now keeping a friend and intimate one, just in different way 1:09 PM
Me: Please don’t be sad. This does not change anything for me with you. I am still here for you in all ways you will have me. Just a once a year thing while you are focused elsewhere, to help me from pouncing on you! 1:40 PM
Kris: I know. I understand but I can’t help it. u may think I should b another way but u know me better than that miss smarty pants. Make sure he wears a condom, in case I have a future “weak moment” with u – u know how I am about sharks in the water. 😉 1:53 PM
Me: I definitely want you back in my bed, (Busy tomorrow night? Hubby will be out 🙂 ) but I completely understand what you’re going thru, and am not pressuring you, just keeping up our agreement to be honest. This is me getting relief elsewhere but it means nothing. I do not think you should be anything other than what you are and I will roll with whatever that is. Condoms for sure > I know how you are! He is very similar! 2:04 PM
Kris: u don’t need to explain so much. I know u want me. I can’t in all the ways u need right now. still want u on my bike though… 😉 2:35 PM
Me: Hiya! Hope you’re having a good evening. 9:48 PM
Kris: just got back from working out. bought a laptop. rented a dvd to watch. got an early morning breakfast meeting with pastor and friend tomorrow. hope they don’t ask u know what. brain is cooked. gonna watch movie and go to bed. 🙂 10:35 PM
Me: Thanks for the update. Gentle hugs… 10:37 PM
Kris: 🙂 10:42 PM
Me: I miss you dear man… Sleep well. 10:52 PM
Kris: u 2… 🙂 10:59 PM