Wednesday, August 13, 2014
date: Wed, Aug 13, 2014 at 12:37 AM
subject: conflicted / don’t know what to do
Hi Real You+Sassy 😉
I sat on my bike after work at 8:30pm last night and texted you my craziness about riding on my bike. And I want to take you for a ride on my bike, but it’s about being conflicted, and I shouldn’t be talking to you or suggesting anything and it’s not fair to you, but I still have little fantasies and miss you, and interviewing a divorce lawyer yesterday and today, and people moving in to live with me (provides some income but don’t really want them here) and sad, and adult children angry with me……..
I sat in a library to use their wifi and reveled in plotting out a whole trip on back roads from Boston to just north of Newport RI…fantasized about taking you on that road this coming Sunday – going to that restaurant you love down there…and you know if you said you would go….I would.
It would be a long trip on back roads – probably 2 1/2 hours, but I would not let anything bad happen to you. Remember how you said you just put yourself in my hands on the boat and it worked out? It would be just like that. You would be a little scared, but I would make sure you were safe. I sat there in the library and moved the route along by pointing and clicking and changing the default route and I tried to find roads that looked like they wouldn’t be too heavily traveled, but not too slow. and I looked at the weather. It’s supposed to be nice on Sunday. so tell the new guy who thinks he’s getting a blow job on Sunday he’ll have to wait to another day. LOL. sorry. I’m now almost completely crazy.
Just contacting you again crossed the line. might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb, but I don’t know what I can do…or want. want to bring you for a bike ride, but that’s not really it. but sort of is. so if this sounds crazy, well, I’m a strange man.
Real Kris misses real you more than Sassy… and Sassy wants Kris to fuck her. but real me has these silly lines and pushes Sassy back and hugs and lightly kisses…but that’s an affair as much as fucking. and it’s REALLY hard and confusing on too many levels right now.
write me a really long email and let me inside your head… really inside. you know me.
sorry you had a long day yesterday…tell me about that if you want to.
texting is too tedious….should commit emotional adultery through IM again. Were we doing that (IM) on some form of Gmail? Can’t remember.
Send me the things you wrote down for the three weeks we didn’t talk. I don’t care what it was or if you feel embarrassed by it. I REALLY want to know!
If this is too hard and painful tell me, and I will treat you with the same respect you have treated me with and let you go……
Kris: Good morning. Sorry if I taxed your tired brain last night. Sent u a “rambling” email middle of the night. Reply if u want…or feel free to say “Need a break” or “Should end for good”…. or whatever is really in your heart. Hope we r beyond just being “nice.” (Though u always r…which is something I miss). 9:01 AM
Me: Good morning! Adored your email. Glad that you can take a break from the weight on you and fly with me in your mind. Work is crazy. I’ll respond more soon. I want you. You are fun to be nice to. You make me smile. We’ll figure it out. Stay dry! 9:34 AM
Kris: 🙂 9:57 AM
date: Wed, Aug 13, 2014 at 3:37 PM
subject: Re: conflicted / don’t know what to do
Hiya Real Kris and Crazy Kris,
I hope your Wednesday is going along okay. It is so dreary out and my boss is being a total toad, so having your email to make me take a break and think of better things is so wonderful!
Strap yourself in – I am going to blather on!
I adore it when you tell me where you are and what you doing and thinking. I can see you with your chaps on, legs splayed over that monster machine… yum. I know you need to tell someone and I am happy for it to be me. It’s tough for me to tell how much requires a response and how much is you “letting off steam.” I’ll respond a bit and if there are parts you wanted my take on that I don’t reply to, feel free to say “but what about…?”
Sorry I was so slow on the uptake last night. I am in a huge crunch at work for the next two weeks, where I need to be three people and my boss is being awful to me about it, and then being with my mom was tough and then I came home and prep for the cleaners because Hubby can not seem to understand the concept. *sigh My brain literally stopped functioning! You know I adore playing your games and will try to keep up next time.
I’m so happy that you had fun dreaming of taking me on another trip. The idea of going to RI with you both delights and terrifies me. When I said I wanted to try riding with you, I was thinking… about a mile and back! I can’t imagine doing it for hours at a time. I have no idea what that means! But this is me being a scaredy cat again. I want to get over it, be brave, but this is very very tough. I would love to be with you, show you my favorite places. Let’s wait another day or two to decide if you should carry through with your offer.
I can’t help much with your conflicts, other than to be here for you and give you space to figure it out. Only you can say which way makes you less crazy. Seems like you have tried “no contact” and that is not working. So you are tossing around other ideas. I don’t want to be your “bad habit” or your “weak moment.” But I am willing to be your secret, your support, your sometimes lover and your always friend, whether I hear from you or not. I find myself still very interested in what happens to you, and I still enjoy being with you. I strain for more physical contact, because I don’t get it otherwise, but am willing to be patient while you figure out your boundaries. I do not want to cause you extra stress.
Still undecided about whether to share “the email I wrote not to send” as I have moved on from there… I will look it over later tonight and decide. Maybe I will let you look at it when/if I am with you again.
The night you said goodbye was hard, but fair. Not hearing from you was hard. I have crossed over into a better place now. If it gets too tough or painful, I will tell you. I think we’re to the place that no matter what happens, we’ll be connected somehow, sometimes. I’ve been through a crisis with you and that bonds people in good and bad ways… I hope we can make the best of it in ways that make both our lives better.
You are welcome to IM me again. If you look at Gmail on your computer, there should be an area on the left side that has chat options, with a green button next to my name. You can click it and type in the chat box that opens. I will get it on my phone and computer. I may not be able to respond right away, but I will. Hubby will be out tonight and I will home, so I can talk whenever! But if you need your brain for other things, I will not be offended.