from my private journal
June 10, 2012
11:09 am – Low Priority
What it is about me that I am always third?
Three times in recent months I thought I was the other woman. A couple bloggers, Philip…. And it turns out I am the other other woman! I get to know these men, and I can reconcile myself to being second in their lives… or more like 5th after their work, the wife, the kids and the guys night out. Sure, the wife came first – my timing was bad and distance and whatever. So I can be the second fiddle, the fun one who listens and doesn’t nag them to take out the garbage. And they make me feel special and alive. And then I find out… I’m third. They’ve already found a second too… the one they run to when they want someone other than their wife. The one they may leave their wife for. And I am the other other one.
Even my husband is out looking for someone else!
And no matter how much we click… and how hot the sex is… and how much fun we have at dinner or online, there is never enough time for me. And I am left feeling lucky that I ever hear from them at all. I am always there for them when they have 15 minutes waiting at the airport, or before their next meeting or late at night when everyone else is asleep. I listen to their problems and talk sexy to them and am always cheerful. When I need a hug or an ear? I am alone. When I am about to break in half from lack of physical contact? Too bad. Go look at a video and imagine. When I need to start a new life – quit my job, leave my husband, move away – there is no one waiting for me.
But hey, it’s better than it was before. At least I am in line. And hearing great stories. And seeing a man once a year or so. Better than it was for ten years! And knowing that if things were different, things would be different. But they are the same.
Will there ever be a day when I am the one? When he will be there for me? To listen? To touch me? To love me? I only need one….