Crushed dreams

from my private journal

Saturday, May 5, 2012 
03:30 pm – Making it clear 
He called me five times and I didn’t hear the phone because I was driving.  I got out to go into Mom’s and checked my phone and jumped back in my car to call him back!  He was exercising, took me along on the elliptical and the stairs and the run around the building as he crushed my dreams completely.  
He had told his brother and was going to tell his mother that he was leaving his wife.  He has already given notice to retire next year.  And he was thinking of being with the beach gal, the woman that he left his wife for 4 years ago. She has a house at the beach where he could move right in.
I cried.  I told him to definitely leave his wife. That I wanted him to be happy.  He deserves it.  He told me not to leave Boston… he’d seen too many friends leave all their roots for the wrong reason and end up going back after a year or so.  But he said I did need to look around for another man… get a new plan.  He said he would be my friend, help me.  I asked if the new gal knows about me and he said no.  
I feel like an idiot.  A fool.  Doomed.  Stuck.  No man who loves me… job that is screwed up.  Fat.  Old.  
The folks from chat are being very good to me. 
I told Sis and Hubby.  They are both mad at him.  And not saying what I need to hear.  Ugh.
I just want to curl up into a little ball… but I have to shower and go to a party.  Whee!

Photo by Elfriede Stegemayer

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Sassy Girl

It's the gal you knew in high school that you've wondered about. And she's got something to say! Time to heat up old flames!

6 thoughts on “Crushed dreams”

    1. H! Great to see you! Your blog is so hot! Sent that dream post to a bunch of pals.
      I try not to make men cry, but in this case, it means you understood how awful this day was. Please read other posts for a different reaction! 😉

  1. Heartbreaking… But I do feel like you were lucky in a way. She has spent years waiting for him and still doesn’t have him… maybe never will. You know the deal. I guess the question is, where do you go from here?

    1. I felt like the unluckiest woman that day. But in hindsight, better to know. Very true Tom. You have such a wonderful way of pulling the shiny thread from an ugly tapestry.

      Very good question… please keep reading!

  2. Sass-
    I ache for you. (this is Mack from your earlier post) I am so sorry not only because your dreams have been crushed and it’s almost as if he doesn’t realize how much is slays you. But also because I *know* the feeling. Old. Fat. Unloved. Stuck. But you are still Sassy, the woman formerly the girl that left such a memorable and lasting impression on a young boy that he carried it into adulthood and sought you out. It may not have played out (if it’s even done just yet) as you had hoped, be fair to yourself. He wasn’t upfront about the depths of the feelings he had/has for the woman from his past. You are a kick ass, experienced, empathetic and giving woman. The grown up version of the sassy girl. My heart aches for you and hopes for you as well.

    1. Wow… Mack… thank you for your empathy. I’m sad to know you know… but it does help. And you are so sweet to remind me of my Sassytude! I so appreciate you speaking up.

      Don’t judge him too harshly… he was upfront with me… never promised anything but fun, passion and a confidante. It wasn’t up to him to fix my life. He resurrected me sexually, saved my life and stayed with me during cancer treatment… hard to ask for more! And when beach gal reappeared, he agonized all of April trying to figure out what was going on and how to tell me. He can’t help who he loves more. I got ahead of myself, forgot that the pattern of real life relationships doesn’t apply. And men don’t leave their wives.

      I am stuck… can’t break my promises to Hubby. I hope to help Philip to a better life… that’s what love is. Maybe what I learn doing that will help me on a new path to make the best of where I am.

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