How we ended up open

June 26, 2016 Tuesday

From: Reggie

To: Sassy
Sent: Tue Jun 26, 2018 at 10:28 AM
Subject: Tuesday tribulations

Sass,

How are you doing? Feeling a little low today because of a rather nasty argument with the wife yesterday. I don’t think I can really call it an argument – it is more of an ongoing issue in our relationship. Unlike what you mentioned with most of the men you have met, in our case, it is me who is reluctant about intimacy with my wife – she wants it. This leads to so much conflict and makes me feel like a complete jerk seeking sex and excitement outside. I wish I could get to a place of openness. 
You mentioned that your husband stopped wanting you sexually. Did he just stop having sex altogether? You did tell me about how your old friend got you into opening yourself up for sex with others. I am curious about how your husband handled the period when you weren’t seeing others. He sounds like a reasonable person – and even though I may say it myself, I have been a good husband in all aspects but this. 
Perhaps it is only an excuse that I make for myself – but I just need multiple partners. That definitely reduces what I give to her by way of intimacy – to the point that you could call our marriage sexless based on the number of times we actually have sex. Anyway, an ongoing saga in our lives which is compounded by having a child, light of my life, in the mix.

Anyway, sorry to burden you with all this and this is not a reach out for pity!

What a lovely day. We should be in bed doing naughty things and not in corporate slavery!

-R

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From: Sassy

To: Reggie
Sent: Tue Jun 26, 2018 at 11:56 AM
Re: Tuesday tribulations

Hiya Reggie! Such a beautiful day! I made it to the bank, which took 45 minutes to do a 5 minutes of business. *sigh I am cranking out work as I have to leave about 2 pm to see a doctor. Whee!

Thank you for sharing more about your situation. I am happy to listen. I like knowing what’s going on, and perhaps being able to help. I’ll share our experience. Feel free to ask more questions.

First, I should say that Hubby and I do not fight. We don’t even have heated discussions. We talk, we disagree, we keep talking. Not sure how we manage but I am almost zero experience with “fighting” so I may not be much help with that dynamic.

My old flame is exactly like you in the “she wants it, he doesn’t” area, because she only wants missionary, in the dark, for 5 minutes, without talking. And she is a total bitch to him, so it’s tough to be yelled at all day and then cuddle up at night. I have suggested several ways he could broaden her horizons and get sex at home but it has not worked. He tried to leave once, but his adult children badgered him into going back after 6 months, and he is an honorable man at his core, so he returned. And contacted me. Heh. We met 3 times years ago, and now we talk online sometimes. He’s told me about affairs with a couple of other women, but they wander off when they realize he will never leave his wife.

As far as I know, my husband did not have sex when we weren’t. I tried everything to get him to – sent him porn and erotica, tried to start with a back rub and move on to sexier play, lost weight, dyed my hair, bribed him with gifts, asked him to help me even if he didn’t get much out of it. But he told me he was not attracted to me and he didn’t want me to touch him. *sigh I accepted that I was too old and fat for men to want me.

We went to a sex counselor at his therapist’s suggestion.  He lied three times in half an hour (he NEVER lies) about how I never initiate (EXCUSE ME?) and that I was dating other men (uh no…) and that I never made enough time (just not true – I took days off work to focus on him, took him away to fancy hotels). I determined that was not going to be of any help.

He did have intense online relationships with women far away but didn’t see them. One woman moved here to be with him, misunderstanding his intentions, thinking she’d move in with us! She was furious when she figured out that would not happen, and made our lives hell for nearly two years. Thankfully, she moved away and only maligns him online now and then. I suggested he be more open with me about his choices so I could help him avoid needy psychotic women.

Just before I met my old flame, Hubby and I began talking about him being polyamorous and whether I could deal with him dating other women. I told him I am not polyamorous and I didn’t think that was a good idea because of the stalker and a couple other women he had considered who were toxic.

After the first time I saw the old flame, I came home determined to use what I learned to get Hubby to help me sexually and get what I needed at home. I could tell him new ways to pleasure me. It worked just a little – he was mostly interested in hearing about my adventures. At that time he was exploring being bi, and started talking in bed, during foreplay, about a cute transexual he’d met and how cool that she looked like a woman but had a penis and… I lost it. I could not deal with that. So I gave up trying. I realized I could never be what turned him on and he was going to make me miserable when I got him to help me.

We agreed to keep exploring his options. I talked to our poly friends. I read up online about what makes poly work (communication!). I realized it’s not a zero-sum game. Being with someone else doesn’t take anything away from me and is in fact, is an addition if done right.

He went on OKCupid and Craigslist and solicited several of our friends without telling me. I heard about it from friends. Not a good day for him. About that time I got cancer and asked him to stop and focus on me. He said he would and he was very good to me, but he was still prowling online. Again, our friends told me they’d seen his profile. *sigh

He finds it ironic that he was searching desperately and having no luck, and I was not looking at all and the old flame appeared for me. We are unusual in the poly community in not having sex – most people have their primary and secondaries and are having sex with them all.

Eventually, he met a nice woman from the edge of our community. She is sane, employed, with two young children and married. They are open. He talked with me about being open. I agreed he could do it. She seemed like someone who could help me take care of him, be an asset rather than a drain on our lives etc. That worked out very well for two years. He saw her every Tuesday for lunch and sex, went to parties with her and took trips. We had dinner with her and her husband sometimes. That was my ideal. It was odd at first but I quickly saw the benefits. He was happier, I was less burdened, and he had someone to see movies with or go to parties I didn’t want to attend. She would also explore threesomes and bdsm and kink parties.

Unfortunately after the election, she freaked out. She started to panic that people would find out that she was living an unorthodox life and she’d lose her kids and she decided to become “normal.” They are still friends but she only hugs him at a party now and then. We miss her a lot.

He has been searching again but things have happened with his health that make that tricky now. More on that later if necessary.

Finally, I must say that you wanting multiple partners is not sick or abnormal. It is normal, it is healthy. No one should be expected to get everything they need from one person, any more than they should just have one friend or eat the same food every day. Please try to stop beating yourself up about that and move to finding a viable way to deal with it, which you seem to well on the way to doing!

It would be better if you can find a way to satisfy your wife, even if you think of me while doing it. Or talk with her to get a “don’t ask, don’t tell” or open arrangement, or realize it is not healthy for your son or you to continue and leave. But I know all those things seem impossible and have their downsides.

This is one of the rare moments I feel some guilt, especially in taking your time from your son, but I tell myself I’m probably taking your work time not family time, and that you would be out here with someone else if it wasn’t me, and I like to think I can be better and safer for you than most women, so I keep at it.

Sorry this got so long… I hope some of it helps and doesn’t scare you away. There is a lot more but I will stop here and see if you have specific questions now that I’ve set the scene.

We should be out on a blanket in nature in a hidden glen, where you could feel the sun on your back while your cock is buried deep inside me!

-S

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From: Reggie

To: Sassy
Sent: Tue Jun 26, 2018 at 12:37 PM

Re: Tuesday tribulations

Sass

You are such a dear. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences – reading it and knowing you makes it easier to deal with what seems like the “abnormality” of my own situation. The hardest part for me has been to be open about my desires without hurting her – and that is probably a recurring theme. I feel that I love her in a very asexual way and hearing that breaks her apart and makes her feel very low about herself. Thanks again for sharing your story and that of your husband.

Yes, I would love to be outdoors in this sun with you riding me, my cock buried deep inside your pussy.

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From: Sassy

To: Reggie
Sent: Tue Jun 26, 2018 at 12:59 PM
Re: Tuesday tribulations

Reggie – I am marveling about the distance we have traveled from strangers to here. I hope it can be a plus for us in many ways.

I can empathize with your wife. I remember feeling like I had my life set up as I wanted it – finally found someone and got married at 37 and was rolling along in a normal life and never having to date again or be alone… and BANG. The love of my life tells me I am not sexy. So no more sex for me. Okay. I can deal with that. Wasn’t that much fun anyway. I accepted it but I remember so clearly being so sad and feeling ugly. And wondering when everything else was going to explode. I made a promise to take care of him and I knew I would never find anyone else, and I didn’t want to be alone, and we have a lot of fun and function well and… I adjusted.

When he realized I was hearing “you are not attractive” he changed it to “you are not attractive to me.” Which is slightly better. He made it clear it was not me, it was him. And encouraged me to find someone else. I could not imagine any man wanting me, so I didn’t do that. But he was good to “take the blame.”

It made him sad too, but he could not control the fact that I didn’t set him off anymore.
As Bonnie Rait sings, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t…”

Maybe it can help if you make it clear it’s you, not her?

Is your wife from abroad? Or seriously religious? Either might make it extra-tough for her to understand the different lifestyle you need, even though you and I know it is quite common. When I look around a room, I know statistically about 40% of the people there are “stepping out” or have, and it’s more if you asked them if they’re having sex with their spouse.

Maybe you should talk her old flames into contacting her? Heh.

I hope someday you may feel comfortable talking with Hubby… he is smart and thoughtful and kind, and might have other ideas or experiences. And it can be one of those, “And then I met her husband!” moments that you should do…because you can. 🙂

Sorry to go on… I have thought a lot about this topic and there are so many little facts that might help or not but can help you understand it from a woman’s view, and help you know me and understand why I will gladly suck on you! And not just any man… but sexy you!

-S

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From: Reggie

To: Sassy
Sent: Tue Jun 26, 2018 at 2:44 PM

Re: Tuesday tribulations

You have been remarkably easy to talk to for me. You are, as I said at first, a very compassionate person – so thank you for opening the space for friendship in addition to the anticipatory sex.

You are giving me the language to express my needs better. It has been layered with so much guilt because of the pain that she has shown about this. I have also had to deal with getting caught in an affair (a coworker) – this was 11 years ago. It has never been the same because in my marriage, my role has naturally taken on that of an offender and hers, as a victim.

My wife is an extremely intelligent person – very well read and rational. She is from abroad but (like me) not religious at all. While she is notionally aware of polyamory and open marriages, she does not want to entertain the concept. For her, it is quite clear that there is emotional and physical intimacy in a marriage or it is not a marriage for her. At some point, she was, however, talking to an old boyfriend of hers – unfortunately, he is based far away and there is no way for her to meet him.

I am thinking now of my cock in your mouth..mmmm..Sass – can’t wait!

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From: Sassy

To: Reggie
Sent: Tue Jun 26, 2018 at 5:28 PM

Re: Tuesday tribulations

Hiya Reggie!

I’m home, enjoying the afternoon breeze! The weather is so perfect. Hope you get out and about tonight.

The endocrinologist was nice to me today! I went to Mike’s Pastry as my reward – they have a cannoli with a florentine shell and almond macaroon cookies that rock my world! I try not to indulge often but today was the day.

I wonder who you’ve been dealing with that I seem so nice.. I am super-nice but I would hope you have others who are nice to you! It is a real bonus that we can talk.

You are a human being. You shouldn’t have to keep “paying” for an offense 11 years ago. Wait… you had sex with a co-worker? BAD! (just kidding. Stuff happens). Tell me sometime how you got caught so I can help keep other folks from doing it.

I wonder what your wife thinks being open would mean… why she is against it other than she wants you all to herself and believes that is the only way. She can’t have you so I don’t see why it would hurt her any further if you get what you need. I figure if I love my husband, I want him to be happy, and if it is not with me, then whatever. But I know that is a radical idea for many women.

My goodness.. we’ve tackled some big, deep concepts today! A big hug to you for grappling with all this.

-S

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From: Reggie

To: Sassy
Sent: Tue Jun 26, 2018 at 5:38 PM

Re: Tuesday tribulations

Happy to hear that your Dr visit went well.

Personally, I am a big fan of Flour Bakery and have not taken to the cannolis from Mike’s. I am glad you indulged and enjoyed.

How I got caught? She called my wife because she figured out that I was not leaving my wife for her! Oh, was there some drama. It was a bit of a typhoon and it is a wonder that I don’t have war wounds from then.

Your thoughts are radical to most women. And men. Monogamy, especially one that is based on the idea of romantic love is only a 200 year old concept but has entrenched itself so firmly in people’s heads. Bitter and acrimonious divorces are the fallout of this and it is something I have been trying to avoid.

God, I need a fuck!

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From: Sassy

To: Reggie
Sent: Tue Jun 26, 2018 at 6:31 PM

Re: Tuesday tribulations

Where are you? I am trying to picture your surroundings… I am sitting at my desk in our living room, looking out the big balcony windows, with Hubby sitting on the couch perpendicular to me about 6 feet away. I have on an old nightshirt and cotton panties.

Ah Flour Bakery. They have tasty treats! What tempts you there?

Holy shit… she called your wife? That is LOW. I can not fathom what would make a woman think that was a good thing to do. YUCK! Did you stop any contact with her? That is tough to protect yourself against.

I may not have helped much today, but I hope to help on the fucking front soon… mwah!

-S

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Sassy Girl

It's the gal you knew in high school that you've wondered about. And she's got something to say! Time to heat up old flames!

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