Kris: you’re sweet to make suggestions re condoms.  didnt see any chart though. sent u some pics…..my doc wrote a script for “daddy’s little helper” will try for first time tonite. how embarrassing. maybe “tmi”….but nice to feel free to just tell it like it is…have i told u lately how sweet u r? 8:28 AM

======

From: Sassy

To: Kris

Sent: Wednesday, April 30, 2014 8:48 AM

Re: Size chart

Ha!  This should teach me to send messages after midnight… no attachment, typos… ARGH! 

Here’s the attachment: 

Condom size chart

Detailed Condom Size Chart – over 30 different condoms, all major brands included – small, regular and large sizes covered. Regularly updated.

=====

Me: Wow! Seems like we should try other things before you jump into meds, but it’s your wiener! 9:15 AM

Kris: hope it doesn’t work TOO well….where’s the nearest ER? Alfalfa 9:18 AM

Kris: want me to try other things first…..”dear”(word that reminds me of old married people) 😉 9:24 AM

Kris: omg….expensive! 150 for 4…..insurance paid 100, but only will pay for 4 per month…..i need to get laid more than that! might try “just for fun”…..but not long-term solution 9:37 AM

Me: There’s a pharmacy in India that everyone in chat uses for better rates. If you need more, i’ll find out details 10:24 AM

Kris: sure….but seriously….want me to hold off for tonite…or don’t care one way or other? this really bothers me…..which adds to problem…..messing with both my “heads”…..you on the other remain wonderful. 10:30 AM

Kris: had a two-hour meeting with my supervisor to just cancelled….WHOOPEE!!!….instead of chugging coffee for the rest of the day i’m going to drive to a beach in Beverly Farms (lived there too– long ago), put music on low, put seat back. sleep till 2:00 (stayed up too late after chatting w u)…..dream of Sexy Sassy…..and hope to wake up with a hard on!…..Spanky 10:47 AM

Kris: (but no “spanky my monkey”…..as the song goes: “savin’ all my love for u”……little smulchy, oh well….need a nap) 11:01 AM

======

From: Kris

To: Sassy

Sent: Wednesday, April 30, 2014 11:38 AM 

Re: Size chart

Hi Sassy,

Don’t worry about typos…this isn’t an English class!  Go for “quick and easy”—as long as I can understand it…no worries.  Thanks for the chart and info (and being TOO nice!)

Kris

=====

Kris: read your email….thanks….pretty bad when a gal has to help a guy measure his cock for the right condom….now there’s some good water cooler small talk there at your office….or something to give your chat buddies a chuckle over…OMG 11:50 AM

Kris: ok….so i’m looking at the “cock size” chart….sitting in my car on my laptop….i just spent 20 min playing w myself in Shaw’s men’s room to measure the damn thing…..circumference at the widest point when erect is the critical factor for fit….i thought “oh good, one more thing to feel small (too obvious pun) about……chart goes from < 4 inches to > 6 inches for circumference…..i think to myself before measuring…1:25 PM

Kris: if i come in less than 4 inches i’m cancelling tonite’s meet….just so much humiliation a guy can take. 1:27 PM

Kris: KIDDING! (sort of). ANYHOW…..turns out the liitle guy’s an average length erect cock (5 1/2 inches) but chubby little fella…. 6 inches around! top of the chart fat!…..no wonder i couldn’t get the fuckin’ Trojan brand on….all Trojans have “tapered necks” for snugger fits….i need one that’s wider…..back in to the store to try and find one…..if you’re not laughing your ass off. 1:36 PM

Kris: ….you SHOULD be….. omg! 1:37 PM

Kris: of course getting the rubber on is one thing….keeping it “hard filled” is another…..i know you’ll do your part…will do my best to do mine….back in to shop…. oy vay! (Jewish version of “Good grief!”) 1:45 PM

Me: I am visualizing this and trying not to giggle. THIS IS SERIOUS! Hee hee. Relax. we’ll figure it out. 4:00 PM

Kris: visualizing what!  trying to find address in Yahoo chat….cant…..what is it…..and what’s funny…..whatever it is I AGREE….happy to be so “entertaining”…..since i’m clean as a whistle how bout i just fuck you without the damn thing….no risk to you…..low risk to me (hsv-1)….never mind….now i’ve joined the “whiners” 4:12 PM

Kris: what’s your address? 4:13 PM

Me: [redacted] 4:14 PM

Me: Pull up out front. Ping me. I’ll let you into the garage and my condo and my body! 4:15 PM

Kris: whoopee! 4:16 PM

Kris: done with work! prob 30 min away…..pucker up world’s greatest kissa evan! 5:14 PM

Kris: well, i did it….dropped some sildenafil citrate (aka: viagra). feel like an old hippie taking drugs…when do i start seeing things that aren’t there? 5:35 PM

Kris: do u have coffee? 5:45 PM

Me: Yay! No coffee. There’s a Dunkin or McDonald’s across the street 5:50 PM

Kris: just stopped and picked up instant….i shoukd make u play Uno w me and drink black coffee at kitchen table…as in lyrics of “Looking Around For You”…. 🙂 5:56 PM

Kris: here! 6:26 PM

Me: Be right down! 6:27 PM

Kris: k 6:28 PM

Me: Where are you? 6:32 PM

Kris: next door, going around the block…b right there 6:34 PM