I am blessed with online friends who listen to me and give me good advice. My emails in the three days leading up to my trip to D.C. offer a small window into my turbulent thoughts about my upcoming trip.
=============
Saturday, Sept 29 email
Dear Betsy,
Thank you ever so much for your thoughts. I appreciate them so much. They resound in my brain like a pinball and then fall into the “BONUS” slot! They make more sense than you can possibly know.
I will share some very personal info here. If it is too much, tell me to hush.
Monday evening I lost my battle to keep from buying a plane ticket. Yesterday was the 37th anniversary of our first kiss.
Phil is meeting me at Dulles next Tuesday evening. We are very clear that for now it means dinner with an old friend. I am not staying at his apartment. It may mean more, it may not. We’ll see. I told him I can deal with whatever his reaction is, as long as he is honest. But it’s time to find out, at least on a basic level. It could be a fun dinner and no more. It could be a fun fling. It could be more.
I’ll be very personal here and say that I haven’t been intimate with a man in over 10 years, so a fling can be a very special opportunity for me to have something I had given up hope of ever having again. Phil has never slept with anyone except his wife. I am still not believing he will break that for me. But he reports she is “not a passionate person.” So it could be a special chance for him. I am very nervous about his reaction to my chubby self, but no can predict whether the online chemistry or the chemistry of the past will still be there even if we were both super models! But he has already exhumed me (gross but fitting analogy) so that I feel more alive and sexy than I have in my entire life.
We are also very clear that we’re not running off together. I can see us “getting it out of our systems” next week. Which would be less of a roller coaster for both of us. Or I can see us falling back in love, and sneaking off for magic moments in a “Same Time, Next Year” fashion. Though that won’t be possible in his next job so this seems like our only opportunity.
Amazingly, my husband is completely supportive, even excited, that I have this chance. He doesn’t consider this cheating or being unfaithful as long as he knows about it.
I told Phil I think of myself as that old, faithful, married lady and I don’t know who I will be after this. He said we’ll both still be old married people. Faithful…not so much! Neither of us have ever been unfaithful before.
So I am a bundle of emotions and practical considerations (not having flown for six years) and so ready for next week and yet not. You know how that goes.
Thank you for reading. And for caring.
-S
=============
Sunday, October 3 email
HI, Betsy,
I hope you’re having a great Sunday.
Thank you ever so much for writing to me this week, sharing your perspective. I have been reading over the messages, seeing new options I had not considered. It gives me strength.
I am a ball of nervous today. Cursing non-refundable plane tickets. Feeling old, fat and ugly. Sure he will not want to make the fantasies real. Worried that seeing me will rob him of the fantasies that have fueled his sex life for years.
I thought offering to go to D.C. would make us closer, give us something fun to look forward to this week. But it has made him mostly silent. So I have no way of knowing what he’s thinking. I worry that he has changed his mind, or feels fat himself. But there are small hints that he has decided that he loves me. And is overwhelmed and confused about what that means. And can’t say much without saying that. And doesn’t want to talk about it on FB. Arrrgh!
I tried on skirts. I haven’t worn a skirt in years. But he has a fantasy about me in a skirt in a restaurant, so why not? Trying to decide if I should fly in it, so he sees it right away? Or have it in my bag to put on later, depending on how things go. Odd that a little scrap of cloth can be such a metaphor for how I am approaching all the questions about my trip.
I have put both your phone numbers into my mobile phone, and will plan to call you if I come up for air on my trip.
Gotta run. Have a great day!
-S
==============
Monday, October 4 email
Dear Betsy,
Dear Betsy,
I did what you told me. It worked wonders! I sent Phil a message asking him to call me. We talked for over an hour. It was incredible! He is so much fun. He makes me smile. And think about deep issues.
He is the one who is confident that the current shape of our bodies won’t matter. He says it’s all about attitude and emotional connection. Time will tell!
What do I want? Good question. I am not used to anyone asking me that. I am used to figuring out what other people want and making it happen. And that’s what makes me happy. But I hear you. And so does Phil. He has been amazing that way, asking me what I want on a number of fronts, in a way no man ever has. We’ll see if it is that way in reality.
I have stopped trying to figure out what will happen. I’m focusing on practical matters and have planned up to a first hug. The rest will flow from there.
I have given all my contact info to Phil and my husband and my sister. So if heaven forbid, I don’t get off that plane, Phil can call someone here, and if he is an axe murderer, hubby will know who to send the police after!
Thank you, Bets. For listening. For telling me what you think. For understanding. I am so lucky to know you!
-S