May 11, 2013 Saturday
I got an and email from Ashley Madison asking me to participate in an academic survey about online dating. I filled it out, then volunteered to be interviewed via email and had a fun back-and-forth with the grad student running it. If you missed the first part, click here to catch up.
To: The grad student
May 11, 2013
I hope you’re not working on the weekend. Here are more answers for you. I hope it is not too much – you have set off some deep thoughts!
Q. So you’re “don’t ask/don’t tell”?
A. No. Hubby and I talk. I keep him in the loop, increases my safety. We share excitement over finding new people, a few details about meets, and disappointments when things don’t work out.
Q. What are all the ways an outside partnership enhances your life?
– someone to touch me
– makes me feel more alive
– gives me renewed confidence
– let’s me know someone wants me sexually
– gives me someone to talk to, share joys and concerns and silly videos
– fun getting to know new people
– trying new restaurants on his dime
– I adore hearing people’s stories
– learning new ways to protect myself and them from discovery
– additional reason to take care of myself
– a great feeling of doing good when I help them
– broadening my sexual horizons
– hearing about new technology
– outside perspective on my problems, with new ideas for solutions
– another witness to my life that I don’t get in my marriage
2 minute clip from “Shall We Dance”
“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the
planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a
marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things,
the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it,
all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go
unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed
because I will be your witness’.”
From The Grad Student
May 11, 2013
🙂 I’m a Ph.D. students. Weekends mean nothing to me.
Okay, so I need to back up a second and ask a question: why did hubby stop touching you? I’m assuming it’s his depression, but don’t want to assume. I have to ask.
1. What are all the ways an outside partner complicates your life?
From the grad student
Another couple follow-up questions:
Would you say you’re happier overall now that you have outside partner(s)?
Did you expect “great sex” from your marriage at its onset?
From the grad student
Another follow-up, so sorry:
How do you imagine your sex life with your primary partner compares to most other couples? Better? Worse? Average?
In terms of the sex life you have with your OP, how do you imagine that comparing to other couples–primary or otherwise? Better? Worse? Average?
To the grad student
I hope your week is going well. It’s been nutty here but I am finally catching up. New AM guy is distracting me. 🙂
1) Would you say you’re happier overall now that you have outside partner(s)?
Absolutely Yes! It’s a roller coaster for sure… higher highs and lower lows, but the highs are worth it.
2) Did you expect “great sex” from your marriage at its onset?
Yes. We’d written amazing erotica together and had wonderful cuddly, hot, exploratory sessions where I made him very happy. I thought that was what it was all about.
3) How do you imagine your sex life with your primary partner compares to most other couples? Better? Worse? Average?
I don’t have any sex with my primary partner, so I see that as “worse.”
4) In terms of the sex life you have with your OP, how do you imagine that comparing to other couples–primary or otherwise? Better? Worse? Average?
When we are together, it is better. When we have time to talk online it is better. The long times when these are not true are worse.
Thanks again for making me think about all this. Very interesting exercise!