Thursday, December 6, 2012
7:09am Phil  
Sushi looks yummy! Slept well last night, hugging my pillow. What an emotional roller coaster of a day. Who knows where it will lead? Maybe no place but everything is on the table and we talked about much and it was good I think for both of us. A multi year, long distance relationship that has been on again and off but not really. There were breaks where we did not communicate for many months and then it would suddenly all start up again like a forest fire. We at least had the opportunity to say what needed to be said and no matter how it turns out, we’ll both be ok. I have had several weeks to think and look at this from every angle. Hurt and pain will open your eyes. 
I have a work breakfast this morning. Gonna have oatmeal, weight still falling off. Almost twenty pounds since the 26th. I’m ok today, no matter. I hope your day is a good one Sass.
Good morning! So glad you slept! Dashing around prepping for cleaners. Whee!
7:28am Phil 
Will see what today brings. I’ll be ok, whatever it is. So much raw emotion, good god. I was shaking. 
Have a fun day. I am going to attempt to have a productive day without a heavy heart and my head so messed up I can’t function.
11:49am Phil 
No coms today. So much emotion yesterday. Torn one way then the next. It’s up to The Beach Gal.
I said my piece and she will decide how to move forward. She has to choose, then I need to act and we see what we do. Not sure she has the confidence to choose me, lay her heart out again. That will be it, no turning back. Then you try to heal and life goes on. Ill have a giant regret but I will get through and continue on.
Don’t borrow trouble. Wait and see! Are you still looking at out next year?
1:14pm Phil  
Yes dear, I hear you. What I am doing. Yes I am. I am just ready. I knew I would be and I knew I would know when it was time and it’s time.
I hope she falls into your arms soon. I want you to be happy! Wow… never thought you’d be ready to leave the military! Hope that will make it easier. Do you know what you’ll be doing after this assignment? 
I spent the morning writing an official response to the warning my boss gave me and trying not the throw up. My union rep will help edit it. Fun fun.. NOT. Ah, well. Must work! 
Hope sleep helped and you are having a productive day!
3:42pm Phil
I’d like that but I’m not sure that will happen. She may decide she does not want me. I’m not that lucky. Have no clue what to do post-military. Just starting the transition process. I am having an active and productive day. Good luck with your response.
10:12pm Phil
How did your day turn out? Busy one for me. Trying to get interested in the game and failing miserably
Hiya! Had a quick dinner at a local bar – you would’ve enjoyed! Deviled eggs, Mexican corn on the cob, handmade chips and a peppy onion dip, and gumbo right on the edge of too spicy with shrimp, sausage, chicken and okra! Yum! 
Quiet evening… Hubby off at his project. Bopping around the net looking at naughty stuff.
10:33pm Phil  
Exhausted. Completely drained. I’m just emotionally done.
Sorry kid… wish my arms could reach 1K miles… I’d wrap them around you and rock you to sleep singing a soft tune.

10:35pm Phil  

Ahhhh. Dinner sounds good. I had a little roll with a piece of ham. Just don’t feel like food.

I could use that. Just need to be held. Not gonna happen.

So no words from her today?
10:39pm Phil
No nothing. I need to come to grips with the loss cause I think she is gone. Emotions overwhelmed us yesterday but that was yesterday.
Did you write?
10:42pm Phil
This morning. Nothing back.
10:46pm Phil  
Gets too much, feelings so raw. So exposed. I was shaking like a leaf. All I could do to hit the keys.

What’s good?!

That you wrote… keep the channel open.
10:46pm Phil  
Yeah but she did not.

I won’t again. Not going to stalk her.

You don’t know why not. You’ve left me hanging for days sometimes…
Write a little bit every day if you are thinking of her.
10:48pm Phil
I know
I think of her all day. I don’t think she wants to hear it


Has she ever said stop?
10:50pm Phil  
I think she said her piece and she has chosen the new guy
You don’t know that.
10:51pm Phil  
No, I guess not
And from what you’ve said, she may and then in a month, it will be different.
10:53pm Phil  
I don’t think this dude is a keeper. Bar fly, will use her till he wants something different
Then be patient…
10:54pm Phil 
I know
It is tough, when a woman is so lonely, to pass up the guy who is right there.
10:55pm Phil  
I know that too. She just needs attention and companionship and to have a little fun. Don’t blame her for that

I’m not there. I’m over here. I’ve been so good. I don’t touch my wife. No desire. I just want The Beach Gal.

I hope when it becomes clear you can be there, that you’ve learned your lesson, that you mean it this time and you’re coming to stay… she will take you in.
 Work toward that… slow, loving, sweet… like you are.
11:00pm Phil  
The Beach Gal has nobody. Her friends are shitbags. Kids too busy for her.
11:05pm Phil
I meant it this time. My early out was for us. Been putting money away for us. Had to be out of this job. What I have learned is that a lot of stuff I got worked up about, did not matter. Just did not. Should have called her every day to tell her I love her. Just called on Saturday. Stupid on my part. Knew she needed more than that. She did not feel like a priority. My bad as she said.
So be there now. Just a little. Every day.
When can you see her?
If you can touch her…
11:09pm Phil  
I won’t fuck with her head or heart cause I was stupid. She won’t hurt this guy. He is making her laugh and paying attention. She will contact me if he gets stupid. I’ll pick up the pieces
Giving her what she has longed for for years is not messing with her.
You have a pattern of backing off, not saying, not going after what you want… break that!
11:12pm Phil  
I know.
I can’t believe I am trying to give romantic advice… ha ha.
11:13pm Phil
Just don’t want her to say leave me the fuck alone
If she does, I want you to be able to say that you said and did everything you could. I’ve just seen so many people… heard so many stories… where people don’t speak up and the other person never knows…I want you to be the guy who lives happily ever after!

This love stuff is every day if you’re doing it right… always thinking of ways to make her smile. You’re good at it!

Not expecting anything in return, just thinking of things to brighten her day.

Is any of this helping at all or am I just a pest?

11:21pm Phil  
Just don’t know. Will see
Fair enough. I’ll go back to rubbing your feet.
11:24pm Phil  
With lotion. Only had one person do that for me ever, or massage my shoulders.  The Beach Gal.
Being met naked with your favorite drink is a treat too! Can’t believe I fucked this up
Gotta try to sleep. Won’t be easy
I’ll go back to praying for you. Sweet dreams, kid.

Of course, now I get to think about your shoulders… yum. My favorite part. And that word… naked. Thanks, mister.

11:45pm Phil  

Nite Sass. Think I need the prayers.

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