It’s time once again for a wonderful edition of “Sassy Answers” when I get to talk to you instead of Phil!
Q. How can I cheat without getting caught? How can I keep my identity a secret?
A. Oooh… this is a tricky one.
I am not a techie, I’ve never been on a dating site and I don’t have to worry about my husband finding out, but I do guard info about my real life and protect Phil. So much depends on your particular situation, but here are some basics I’ve picked up along the way to get you started. I don’t have room to go into a lot of technical details but these are directions to explore. I hesitate to put too much, as betrayed spouses might use these against you, but here are a few tips.
Let’s talk about secrecy. I hear from folks who are reconnecting and taking it to the next level, so they need to hide their adventures from their spouse. I also talk with people who are meeting people from “married but looking” dating sites, and want to protect themselves and their playmates. It is tough to stay under the radar, especially long term. Your computer and your phone are the top dangers, so I’ll start there.
Feel free to add more ideas in the comments!
a. DELETE, DELETE, DELETE
No matter how you are communicating, once you’ve read it? DELETE IT! Texts? Emails? FB Messages? Voicemails? DELETE! It is tempting to keep them and listen or look at them again. And lord knows, I don’t follow this advice. But if there is any chance your spouse is going to look at your phone or your computer…. DELETE!
b. Incognito browsing
Google Chrome is the browser of choice for cheaters, because it has this nifty feature called “Incognito Window” under the File tab at the upper left. You can download it for free and tuck it into the applications folder (not the dock!) and it won’t track your browsing history. Other folks recommend having browsers like Dolphin or Camino, that aren’t as familiar and can be hidden under bland names in the applications folder.
If you are not browsing incognito, remember to clear your browsing history!
DO NOT USE YOUR REGULAR EMAIL! Set up a “mischief” account on another service. If you use Gmail, pop over to Yahoo to play. Though you may want to use Gmail if you can, because they don’t let on where email comes from – everything looks like it comes from Mountain View CA which can be handy if your spouse or lover is the computer savvy stalker type who is trying to track you down.
d. Delete IMs
Be careful using Yahoo IM. It logs all conversations by default, right under the incoming mail. Turn off this feature or delete them! Your best bet is GChat. It also saves all chats, but can be set up to be “off the record.” If you’re using FB chat, they end up in the messages folder – delete them!
e. Free calls/texts
There are a lot of services that let you call or text for free, and it won’t show up on your bills or your phone. And you can tailor what appears when you get calls or texts, so your phone doesn’t announce calls on the screen from someone your spouse has never heard of. People recommend Google Voice or pinger.com.
Some people avoid all this by buying a “mischief” phone. Then you need to hide that…
f. Your own phone number
Many of the free call/text services also allow you to get your own phone number. This keeps calls off your bills and you don’t have to give your real number out! You can even type in letters and see if that number is available, so you can have a great mnemonic like XXX-6-SassyG… (don’t try to dial that… )
g. Use pseudonyms
If you’re meeting strangers online, it’s up to you whether your lover knows your real name or not. Due to my blog and other issues, no one knows Sassy’s real name. It’s tied to the demure lady, and she’s no fun.
If this is a reconnection or you do know your lover’s info, DO NOT put your lover’s real name and contact info in your contacts list. If you get busted, it’s awful. If your angry spouse can call or text your lover and use their real name when they spew invectives? ARRRGH! It’s also good to change the name regularly, so if there is a string of texts you forget to delete, there aren’t months of contact to be traced. Some pals recommend weekly change or monthly change, but set up a schedule, perhaps linked to something else in your life, so you remember. And use something ordinary where googling will get them 250,000 links and no real info.
There are non-technology things to avoid as well.
– Use cash
– Know your lover’s schedule
Talk with them about when it is good or bad to be in contact.
– Start slow – set up a code
If the spouse is suspicious, you may want to set up a code, so you don’t burst right in with super sexy stuff. A bland greeting to a phone call or an initial text of “hi” can save you if the spouse is picking up the phone or IM.
– Don’t fish in your own pond
If at all possible, do not cheat with someone local. Or go to local businesses with a long-distance lover. If you have to, go at off-hours or very busy times, sit in a booth or the corner away from the rest rooms, and look around for danger spots.
– Don’t hug outside
If you’re meeting, go inside the hotel or restaurant before connecting. Don’t make it easy on a following spouse or private investigator or your nosy neighbor by doing the long kiss and hug hello or good bye at your car!
– Stick to your routine
Be very careful if you vary your routine. Sudden changes that will tip off your spouse.
– New personal hygiene
Are you suddenly wearing make-up or trimming your pubic hair or doing other personal appearance improvements? These alone may not tip them off but if there are other signs… trouble!
If you like to leave mark or play rough, be very careful leaving evidence on your lover. It can be tough to explain! Even if they aren’t sleeping together, it can be easy to pop in to ask a question while you’re changing your shirt and oops!
– Computer/Phone set up
Re-arrange your home office so that your spouse can not see your computer screen without you knowing. Put your back to wall so they have to come around in your face to see the screen. Don’t leave your phone out while you’re in the shower etc.
– Ready excuses
Think of excuses a head of time. If you run into someone you know, have something ready to go so you don’t flounder for who this person with you is. If someone reports seeing you somewhere, have a reason ready as to why you were there. You can usually get away with it once. Be more careful and lie low for awhile after that.
and the bottom line… if you do get busted?
DENY DENY DENY!
Unless there are naked photos, explain your way out of it. And be more careful!
Have any more ideas? Comment!
Best of luck!