October 25th, 2010

05:15 pm – 

[A private post to my public blog]

Brain tricks

Here’s the Facebook message I was too cowardly (or smart?) to send to Phil today:

You wrote about your “next wedding,” saying, “If I were ever to do it again, would do it on a beach. With a pastor of course but on a beach.”

I shouldn’t admit it, but… I’m trying to share my feelings this time around. Two little sentences made me cry. Scared me. Not because of what you said, but because of what my brain did with them. Not your fault. 

I had a vision of you getting re-married on a beach, toes in the sand, smiling, listening to the pastor… made sense to me – you love the beach! And I was happy for you. Fine so far. 

and then my brain played a trick on me. The view widened and I was holding your hand. Telling you and everyone how we feel. And it made complete sense to me. 

I got up from my desk and went to the bathroom to mull that over. And I got the most amazing, warm peaceful feeling. Like everything falling into place. And I started to cry as I walked back to my desk. I was very scared. Why is my brain doing that?! I started slamming doors in my brain. Back to the now! Right now! 

I swear I have not thought about our future (other than one night in December and the fact that there likely isn’t much of one after that). Keep it fun. Stay in the now. Why am I thinking about marrying you?! Probably a side effect of my anniversary musing. arrrgh. And you probably didn’t mean to open that door. So don’t let this weigh on you. Not your fault. Sorry. Just pat me on the head and move along. 

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Of course, what this probably means is that I love him. My under-brain has decided and is using tricks like this to tell my upper-brain. I will be happier when I figure it out and this emo crap stops. Probably bring on other emo crap, but whatever.