[from my personal blog]

Been riding the roller coaster with my guy. The weekend sucked, as I didn’t hear from Philip at all on Friday, when I thought he’d call me while he was driving. And I had offered to go down there again and he said he’d check his calendar and then didn’t ever mention it. 

I was driving myself crazy imagining that our time together had not been good for him and that he was trying to back away etc. I wrote three different emails trying to ask him where his head was. But could not send them. And hubby was being all busy and cranky. I was actually crying over it all. I never cry! Stupid emo crap. I spent most of Saturday cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom, and then I tackled my desk. Doing something to channel the sexual frustration and keep from just lying in bed crying. 

Sunday I texted Philip to say “Go Team!” before the football game and he texted right back. We snarked back and forth about football. 

But then Philip got back to D.C. Monday morning and chatted at me all day in FB messages. He explained that he was overwhelmed trying to close out his old job and start work on the new one, and clean up his house to put on the rental market, and be with his kids before he moves away. 

When I was in a trough over the weekend, I whined to one of my online friends, who told me to stop emailing Philip for a day. Let him miss me a little. Sucks when you have to pull tricks like that. I had not meant to, but it happened by chance. It turned out to be perfect advice. I went to bed early Monday night when I had messaged him twice without an answer, and then woke up late Tuesday, and work was oddly busy, and then I went to my parents, so by 10 pm last night it had been 24 hours since I wrote him or posted anything to FB.  And bless him, Philip pinged me on live chat! He hadn’t done that in almost a month!

We chatted about the Yankees and NCIS, and he said he was tired and needed to sleep. I said good night. But he didn’t log off. So I said “You’d better go before I say something sexy and make a fool of myself.” He said, “No such thing. :)” so I mentioned a sexy memory of our time together that has been haunting me, and he said “I hope I wasn’t a disappointment” and I realized that he was having the same fears I was, that I hadn’t said anything because he wasn’t saying anything… what idiots we are. So I admitted to him I was worried too and he said, “I enjoyed it all” and mentioned a magic moment for him, and we talked for another 20 minutes! I thanked him for the reassurance. He talked about our dinner in December when he’s up here for a conference. He had been focusing on the restaurant in the past two weeks, to the point where I was worried that the sex had been so bad he didn’t want to do it again, but last night he started talking about after dinner, or maybe before dinner and I was flying again. 

I feel like an idiot that my emotions are so tied to his attentions, but they are. I am trying to get some distance, be happy when he can contact him and not fret when he doesn’t. I have to get there, as his time is getting more tight all the time. We’ll see how that goes. 

And then this morning, after rebuffing me hard over the weekend, hubby crawled into bed at 8 am and said he was cold. So I offered to warm him up and started rubbing on him and suddenly he was talking about his fantasies about watching Philip doing things to me, and moving my hand to touch him and we carried on for quite awhile! I managed to segue into his fingers inside me and it worked. Wow. Big, big progress!  Miracles do happen!  It will be so much better for me if he will touch me again!  

Been trying to write to Philip all day… suddenly don’t know what to say. How can I run out of things to say? Ah, well. Something will come to me.

Lessons for me to remember: